She's lip gloss, Kate Moss (coke free)
Getting wasted on that stuff (coffee)
She's blue eyes, surprise (Britney)
Filing multi-colored nails (haphazardly)
She's everywhere, never there (ghostly)
Pushing herself to the limit (automatically)
She's Internet famous, never aimless (surprisingly)
Twittering till her heart desires (inappropriately)
She's hot stuff, double tough (amazingly)
Spinning out of control (on the daily)
She's pure, clean, never mean (sweetly)
Comes and goes as she please (softly)
She's more Simpson than simpleton (Ashley)
With blond hair flowing down her back (naturally)
She's an au natural, femme fatale (sexily)
#1 in our hearts and minds forever (lovely)
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Foolishness and Fuckery
There are really three guarantees in life: death, taxes, and that when Britney Spears releases something new (be it video, song, movie, perfume, t-shirts, etc., etc. etc) people will be there with their magnifying glasses searching out every blemish, every mistake, and every omission. But these people aren't critics. And they're not even "haters." No, these people are her own fans.
A valid question could be asked: namely, why would her own fans do this? Unfortunately, the answer is not so simple.
Just recently, as in today (or maybe yesterday), someone slowed down Britney's latest video, "Hold it Against Me," to prove she wasn't the one shooting paint from her fingers (not really her fingers, but tubes attached to her fingers). What he or she found, and decided to share with everyone, was that you could see 1/35th of Britney's (or fake Britney's) face and how she (or perhaps he) had dark eyebrows.
Apparently, in the court of public opinion that's enough to definitively prove that's not Britney. How that's possible is a question the reader has to figure out for his or her own self. Just remember that her fans are the same people who overtly criticize everything she does. One of their biggest criticisms has been the Circus era (an era being the time from the announcement of an album until the release of the last single from that album).
During this supposedly atrocious era Britney fans were treated to (or subjected to, per the opinion of the overly critical) four TV performances, a TV interview, multiple print interviews, a documentary, a making of for the album, and four complete and finished music videos. Not to mention both the album and lead single hit #1 (only the second time that's ever happened for Britney; the first being "Baby One More Time" song and album).
If that sounds like a pretty good era, well, it was (and, by the way, those four complete music videos? First time she released that many videos during one era since 2001's Britney album).
However, if one uses a fine-tooth comb, imperfections can be found. But why would a fan look for imperfections?
Ironically, one era fans seem to love more and more as the years pass is the "Blackout' era, which, and here's the ironic part, is filled with imperfections. So many, in fact, one would have to brush them out of his or her face to avoid seeing them. Where to even begin: no interviews, one horrendous "live" performance, and a general malaise from Britney. Not to mention neither her album nor any song from that album hit #1 on Billboard's 200 or Hot 100 chart (a feat she never did previously and hasn't done since).
No one knows what the future holds for Britney, but one thing is certain: one would have to be a fool to prefer the Blackout era over the Circus era.
A fool or a Britney fan.
A valid question could be asked: namely, why would her own fans do this? Unfortunately, the answer is not so simple.
Just recently, as in today (or maybe yesterday), someone slowed down Britney's latest video, "Hold it Against Me," to prove she wasn't the one shooting paint from her fingers (not really her fingers, but tubes attached to her fingers). What he or she found, and decided to share with everyone, was that you could see 1/35th of Britney's (or fake Britney's) face and how she (or perhaps he) had dark eyebrows.
Apparently, in the court of public opinion that's enough to definitively prove that's not Britney. How that's possible is a question the reader has to figure out for his or her own self. Just remember that her fans are the same people who overtly criticize everything she does. One of their biggest criticisms has been the Circus era (an era being the time from the announcement of an album until the release of the last single from that album).
During this supposedly atrocious era Britney fans were treated to (or subjected to, per the opinion of the overly critical) four TV performances, a TV interview, multiple print interviews, a documentary, a making of for the album, and four complete and finished music videos. Not to mention both the album and lead single hit #1 (only the second time that's ever happened for Britney; the first being "Baby One More Time" song and album).
If that sounds like a pretty good era, well, it was (and, by the way, those four complete music videos? First time she released that many videos during one era since 2001's Britney album).
However, if one uses a fine-tooth comb, imperfections can be found. But why would a fan look for imperfections?
Ironically, one era fans seem to love more and more as the years pass is the "Blackout' era, which, and here's the ironic part, is filled with imperfections. So many, in fact, one would have to brush them out of his or her face to avoid seeing them. Where to even begin: no interviews, one horrendous "live" performance, and a general malaise from Britney. Not to mention neither her album nor any song from that album hit #1 on Billboard's 200 or Hot 100 chart (a feat she never did previously and hasn't done since).
No one knows what the future holds for Britney, but one thing is certain: one would have to be a fool to prefer the Blackout era over the Circus era.
A fool or a Britney fan.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Lindsay Lohan is a Bad Thief
According to a police report, via TMZ, Lindsay Lohan was in the same jewelry store she supposedly robbed a few days before she supposedly robbed it. The report states that she was trying on earrings, took one out, and left the other one in as she continued to look around the store. On her way out, she apparently forgot to remove the earring, which a store clerk helpfully pointed out to her.
Here's the rub: the earrings she took off were allegedly more expensive than the ones she tried on. She left those more expensive earrings behind as she left the store. If she's a thief, she's the dumbest thief alive. At that time she wasn't charged with a crime, because she never left the store with the earring. However, if her intentions were to steal the earring (one earring, mind you, according to the report), what sense would that make considering she wore more expensive earrings into the store? That would be similar to a bank robber dropping off $1,000 and demanding $500 from the teller.
Also, if the store thought Lindsay was trying to steal the earring, wouldn't someone (the owner, a clerk) closely watch her the next time she came in? And if they caught her almost leaving with the jewelry the first time, how did no one catch her the second time?
For my money, all the evidence points to Lindsay being innocent.
Here's the rub: the earrings she took off were allegedly more expensive than the ones she tried on. She left those more expensive earrings behind as she left the store. If she's a thief, she's the dumbest thief alive. At that time she wasn't charged with a crime, because she never left the store with the earring. However, if her intentions were to steal the earring (one earring, mind you, according to the report), what sense would that make considering she wore more expensive earrings into the store? That would be similar to a bank robber dropping off $1,000 and demanding $500 from the teller.
Also, if the store thought Lindsay was trying to steal the earring, wouldn't someone (the owner, a clerk) closely watch her the next time she came in? And if they caught her almost leaving with the jewelry the first time, how did no one catch her the second time?
For my money, all the evidence points to Lindsay being innocent.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Britaholic
I'm not a worldly person, per se, but I know this much: if you have an addiction, there is a meeting out there for you . . . almost. See, there are meetings for alcoholics, over eaters, people suffering from depression, cancer, and so on and so on. While those meetings are valuable to the attendees, there's one group of sufferers left out: Britaholics.
Before you ask, Britaholics are not addicted to British people (although I do quite like them, personally. I find them to be cheerful, intelligent and the accents are unbeatable). No, a Britaholic won't be boarding a plane for London or Manchester, they won't gobble up all the Chelsea football club paraphernalia they can get their hands on, and they certainly won't be ordering bangers and mash (which I found out are sausages and mashed potatoes).
No, a Britaholic has a much deeper addiction. Let's pretend this is a Britaholics Anonymous meeting. I'll start.
"My name is Ryan and I'm a Britaholic. I've been addicted to Britney Spears since 2000."
How, you might ask, did I come to be this way. The same way an alcoholic becomes addicted to alcohol or a smoker to cigarettes: I had a taste and I needed more. And like most addicts, my addiction didn't develop overnight. Like a drunk, I needed more than one drink to discover I had a problem.
I'd like to think I'm a functioning Britaholic. Of course, like anyone, my addiction is well know. Most drinkers can't hide their alcoholism. The biggest difference between us is how they get drunk off spirits and I get drunk off Spears.
Would it be easier (and healthier) to get my kicks off broccoli spears? Sure. But no one ever got high off broccoli. I've chosen this addiction and I have to live with it.
It all started in the fall of 1998 when I was a freshman in high school, err, college (damn, I'm old). One day while driving back to campus I had the radio on (proving just how long ago this occurred) and an innocuous, little pop song came on by an artist named Britney Spears. The song was called "Baby One More Time." It was good
Some time later the video premiered on MTV (again, this was a LONG time ago) and it was really good. I mean REALLY good. Iconic good. Legendarily good. It seemed the seeds had been sown for a full blown Brit addiction.
Not so fast. Unfortunately for my burgeoning addiction, Britney chose to release "Sometimes." While it's a fine song, it's not the kind of song a heterosexual 18-year old should be listening to. However, although the fire died a bit, an ember still burned.
I saw her on TV, read her in print, but most importantly, I saw her on the beach (not in person, of course, though back then the possibility kind of existed) in the video for "Sometimes." So while the song wasn't fit for someone such as myself, a video of a gorgeous 17-year old cavorting on the beach was right up my ally.
Combine the video with her third single, a much more heterosexually-friendly dance number called "(You Drive Me) Crazy," and the accompanying video (where she, and don't be shocked when I say this, looked fantastic), the ember burned just a bit stronger.
Sadly, Britney chose to slow it way down with "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart." She got all sappy and romantic. And to top it off, she wasn't even cavorting on the beach. Actually, she wasn't cavorting at all.
It hurts to say this, but it appeared my addiction wouldn't get past the infatuation phase. Perhaps Britney would be just another pretty face with a couple catchy songs. To be fair, no one knew her career would explode. No one could have seen that coming.
Let's pause here for a second and get some facts straight: Britney's a gorgeous woman. However, to claim her success was solely due to that factor ignores all her other attributes, such as her voice, her dancing, and, mostly importantly, the quality of her songs. Remember at that time there was a handful of attractive young pop singers and none of them reached Britney's level of success.
Anyway, in 2000, Britney released her sophomore album, "Oops I Did it Again!" and the song and video of the same name. Well, that video (and, for the record, on its merits it sucks, but Britney in red leather does not) and that song were enough for me to start to develop that addiction. If I may steal from Twilight: "She was my own personal brand of heroin."
I have to take a second and point out that Britney was not my first addiction. No, before she came along, my heart was taken by Love. Not emotional love, though I'm sure that's wonderful. I'm speaking about a better kind Love: one that's sexy, funny, angelic, and comes without heartbreak or rejection. That Love would be Jennifer Love. Yes, I was technically a Loveaholic before I was a Britaholic. But, honestly, when my Britney flame began to radiate enough heat to warm a 1,000 houses, Love faded into the background. It's like when a married man goes to the beach with his wife and he sees a gorgeous woman in a skimpy bikini; although he loves the wife, she doesn't exist for that moment. For me, when Britney said she did it again and when became a slave, Love just disappeared.
Has my Brit addiction waned? Like anything, time does dull the senses to it. And others have come and gone: Amanda Bynes, Kristen Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams to name a few. But in my heart I'll always be a Britaholic.
Even when she's old and irrelevant to the mainstream, I'll always remember those days when that fire burned deep inside. The days I suffered withdrawal symptoms when she took that break, got married, had kids. And, of course, the days when I nearly OB'ed (Over-Britneyed).
Nothing good ever ends, as long as you keep it in your heart.
Are you a Britaholic? Share your story.
Before you ask, Britaholics are not addicted to British people (although I do quite like them, personally. I find them to be cheerful, intelligent and the accents are unbeatable). No, a Britaholic won't be boarding a plane for London or Manchester, they won't gobble up all the Chelsea football club paraphernalia they can get their hands on, and they certainly won't be ordering bangers and mash (which I found out are sausages and mashed potatoes).
No, a Britaholic has a much deeper addiction. Let's pretend this is a Britaholics Anonymous meeting. I'll start.
"My name is Ryan and I'm a Britaholic. I've been addicted to Britney Spears since 2000."
How, you might ask, did I come to be this way. The same way an alcoholic becomes addicted to alcohol or a smoker to cigarettes: I had a taste and I needed more. And like most addicts, my addiction didn't develop overnight. Like a drunk, I needed more than one drink to discover I had a problem.
I'd like to think I'm a functioning Britaholic. Of course, like anyone, my addiction is well know. Most drinkers can't hide their alcoholism. The biggest difference between us is how they get drunk off spirits and I get drunk off Spears.
Would it be easier (and healthier) to get my kicks off broccoli spears? Sure. But no one ever got high off broccoli. I've chosen this addiction and I have to live with it.
It all started in the fall of 1998 when I was a freshman in high school, err, college (damn, I'm old). One day while driving back to campus I had the radio on (proving just how long ago this occurred) and an innocuous, little pop song came on by an artist named Britney Spears. The song was called "Baby One More Time." It was good
Some time later the video premiered on MTV (again, this was a LONG time ago) and it was really good. I mean REALLY good. Iconic good. Legendarily good. It seemed the seeds had been sown for a full blown Brit addiction.
Not so fast. Unfortunately for my burgeoning addiction, Britney chose to release "Sometimes." While it's a fine song, it's not the kind of song a heterosexual 18-year old should be listening to. However, although the fire died a bit, an ember still burned.
I saw her on TV, read her in print, but most importantly, I saw her on the beach (not in person, of course, though back then the possibility kind of existed) in the video for "Sometimes." So while the song wasn't fit for someone such as myself, a video of a gorgeous 17-year old cavorting on the beach was right up my ally.
Combine the video with her third single, a much more heterosexually-friendly dance number called "(You Drive Me) Crazy," and the accompanying video (where she, and don't be shocked when I say this, looked fantastic), the ember burned just a bit stronger.
Sadly, Britney chose to slow it way down with "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart." She got all sappy and romantic. And to top it off, she wasn't even cavorting on the beach. Actually, she wasn't cavorting at all.
It hurts to say this, but it appeared my addiction wouldn't get past the infatuation phase. Perhaps Britney would be just another pretty face with a couple catchy songs. To be fair, no one knew her career would explode. No one could have seen that coming.
Let's pause here for a second and get some facts straight: Britney's a gorgeous woman. However, to claim her success was solely due to that factor ignores all her other attributes, such as her voice, her dancing, and, mostly importantly, the quality of her songs. Remember at that time there was a handful of attractive young pop singers and none of them reached Britney's level of success.
Anyway, in 2000, Britney released her sophomore album, "Oops I Did it Again!" and the song and video of the same name. Well, that video (and, for the record, on its merits it sucks, but Britney in red leather does not) and that song were enough for me to start to develop that addiction. If I may steal from Twilight: "She was my own personal brand of heroin."
I have to take a second and point out that Britney was not my first addiction. No, before she came along, my heart was taken by Love. Not emotional love, though I'm sure that's wonderful. I'm speaking about a better kind Love: one that's sexy, funny, angelic, and comes without heartbreak or rejection. That Love would be Jennifer Love. Yes, I was technically a Loveaholic before I was a Britaholic. But, honestly, when my Britney flame began to radiate enough heat to warm a 1,000 houses, Love faded into the background. It's like when a married man goes to the beach with his wife and he sees a gorgeous woman in a skimpy bikini; although he loves the wife, she doesn't exist for that moment. For me, when Britney said she did it again and when became a slave, Love just disappeared.
Has my Brit addiction waned? Like anything, time does dull the senses to it. And others have come and gone: Amanda Bynes, Kristen Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams to name a few. But in my heart I'll always be a Britaholic.
Even when she's old and irrelevant to the mainstream, I'll always remember those days when that fire burned deep inside. The days I suffered withdrawal symptoms when she took that break, got married, had kids. And, of course, the days when I nearly OB'ed (Over-Britneyed).
Nothing good ever ends, as long as you keep it in your heart.
Are you a Britaholic? Share your story.
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