In honor of Britney's birthday I decided to rank her 30 best singles* (in descending order). These are only songs she released in the US (which means no "I Love Rock N Roll" or "Born to Make You Happy" - not that they'd have made it anyway). Feel free to disagree.
30. Outrageous - Not much of a single due to Britney suffering a knee injury whilst shooting the video. Not a great song, either. Written and produced by R. Kelly, "Outrageous" is pretty blase. Not to mention lyrics that probably even Britney didn't get: Trench coat in my underwear (yes, I know, trench coat means condom).
29. Boys (Co-ed Remix) - This was on the Austin Powers: Goldmember soundtrack (and in the movie with Britney making a cameo). Doesn't help. For some reason it's been in every Britney tour since the song was released. I don't know why, since it's pretty generic.
28. Overprotected (Darkchild Remix) - Speaking of generic, we have "Overprotected," a song off Britney's 2001 album "Britney" and also featured in her 2002 movie "Crossroads." It's pretty basic: she's overprotected, doesn't want people telling her what to do, wants to make mistakes, etc. Not exactly breaking new ground.
27. Sometimes - Did you know that sometimes Britney runs and sometimes Britney hides, but all she really wants is to hold you tight, treat you right, and be with you day and night? Let's be honest: this is not a song for a straight male. And I'm a straight male.
26. I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman - Judging by the title of the song, Britney and I have something in common. Also, like "Sometimes," this is not a song for a straight male. Other than that, it's not horrible.
25. From the Bottom of My Broken Heart - Poor Britney's got a broken heart (not THAT PoorBritney, she's doing just fine). It's a sweet song and all, and if you're young and in love (or just fell out of love) maybe it speaks to you. Just not to me.
24. Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know - The second best ballad Britney ever released. The video completely overshadows the song, as Brit parades around in a bikini top and daisy dukes. As a stand alone, it's still a sweet song.
23. Me Against the Music - Is it sacrilege to put a song featuring Madonna this low? Probably, but it's just not that good. Madonna doesn't add too much to the song, either. To be honest, Justin Timberlake wins the battle of the "exes who did a song with Madonna" when they released "4 Minutes."
22. My Prerogative - When you cover a song you want to do it justice, but you also want to add something to it. Here, Britney did a fine job, but she could never match the Bobby Brown original. Though, to be fair, it fit her perfectly.
21. Piece of Me - This is the song that started Robotney. The song that caused people to claim, "See, I told you she couldn't sing." But guess what: it's not that Britney can't sing (she can), it's that she wasn't afraid to try something new. T-Pain may have made autotune famous, but Britney made it cool.
20. Radar - In all fairness, had this list been made three years ago, "Radar" would have been potentially top 10. However, after hearing it so much (it was on two albums, both "Blackout" and "Circus") it lost its luster. Its replay value just isn't as high as the rest of the songs on the list.
19. Stronger - If I were a girl, no doubt this song would hold more weight for me. Alas, I'm stuck with a penis, and, therefore, while not against the song, not as in love with the song as I could be. It is some good power pop, though.
18. 3 - When it was first released I thought the song was too blah, too similar to other stuff Britney had done. But then my friend Alison (who's no longer my friend, but I'll still give her the credit) reminded me that "3" was for a singles collection, which is not a place one re-invents the wheel. Of course she was right.
17. Criminal - It begins with a flute and sounds like nothing on the radio. It wasn't a hit, but don't be surprised if in a few years other songs with a similar sound do become hits.
16. Oops! . . . I Did it Again - Maybe one of the greatest titles ever. Forget the song, "Oops" clearly was a dig at her critics, as though she was apologizing for having another hit song. Guess what: "Oops" she's had a lot more.
15. Gimme More - One of the greatest opening lines ever. One of the worst performances ever. One of the weirdest videos ever. This song has everything. And more.
14. Do Somethin' - Probably the most underrated song in Britney's catalog. It was released as the second single off a greatest hits record at a time when Britney just wanted to be married and take a break. It included a nice dig at other popstars with the line "Somebody pass my guitar, so I can look like a star." Britney sees the fakers.
13. Lucky - A song that became autobiographical. Nowadays it would have no chance at being a hit, but back then a cheesy pop song like "Lucky" fit right in.
12. Hold it Against Me - Cheesy? Yes. Cliched? Yes. Amazing? Double yes. Britney took dubstep mainstream while simultaneously reminding everyone of the song "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight." How? For Britney, things seem to come easy.
11. If You Seek Amy - Sure, the song could have been written by a 13-year old. And maybe Max Martin is that age at heart. But, regardless, it's a great song and possibly the only time ever where the word seek is censored.
10. Break the Ice - The beat is amazing. The only people who don't jump out of their seats when this comes on are those who have no use of their legs. When Britney says "it's been awhile," even though it hasn't, she makes you believe it has.
9. Circus - This is a perfect song. We've stared at Britney for 13 years and treated her as if she's some circus sideshow attraction. She gets it, but wants to remind us that she's not some sideshow, she's the ringleader and she runs the show.
8. I Wanna Go - Raising the roof hasn't been en vogue for years, but damn if Britney didn't try to bring it back. It's tough, nay impossible, to resist throwing your hands up when this song comes on. I dare you to try.
7. Everytime - Only flaw has nothing to do with the song; it's the fact that "Everytime" is two words. Grammatical snafu aside, this is the best Britney ballad ever. Her writing it makes it even better. Plus, she sings with such soft emotion. Hold on while I have a moment.
6. Womanizer - Comeback song? Sure. Instead of singing about sex or a hot guy, Britney sang about them both. However, this hot guy was having too much sex and Britney called him on it. You can't front with Britney.
5. Crazy - It's a classic. This is a club song that needs no remixing (because it was already remixed, see). It's the most fun you can have with your clothes on. About this time we started to realize that maybe this chick isn't just a one-hit wonder.
4. Till the World Ends - If there's one Britney song that can get even the most hardcore rocker, gangsta rapper, or flutist on the dance floor, it's this one. The minute the song starts (original or remix) you immediately start shaking. When it's over, you get withdrawals and have to play it again.
3. Toxic - This is the comeback. During 2001-2002, Britney had a dispute with Clear Channel Communications, which basically own the radio, and so she got very little airplay. Her movie, "Crossroads," was a critical failure, though fared well enough at the box office. Her relationship with Justin Timberlake ended and he proceeded to release "Cry Me a River," basically accusing Britney of cheating on him. She desperately needed a smash. Along came Toxic, and the rest is history.
2. Baby One More Time - One of the greatest pop songs ever recorded. One of the greatest videos of all time. It put Britney on the map. Without it, this countdown wouldn't exist.
1. I'm a Slave 4 U - Simply, the greatest Britney song ever. But more than that, it took her from a nice, little girl who sang nice, little pop songs, to a naughty, filthy woman who sang about getting down and dirty. It kept her relevant. Imagine if she had released another sweet, innocent song, what are the odds she'd be around today? "Slave" was Britney's coming out - her public bar mitzvah or quienceanera.
*Until I wrote it all down, I never realized Britney has released exactly 30 songs. It's symmetry (unless I missed one, which I don't think I did).
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