To Boldly Go Where No Pop Star Has Gone Before

I'll admit I'm not a Star Trek fan. Since the title of this essay references the show/movies, you might think I am. I'm not. Sure, I could name some of the characters (Scottie, Dr. Spock, Capt. Picard), but I'm no Trekkie (or Trekker or whatever Star Trek fans call themselves).
I used the quote to illustrate what Britney Spears needs to do on her 9th album. She needs to boldly go where no pop star has gone before. In 2014, if you aren't breaking new ground, you might as well not even bother.
This means no Femme Fatale, no Blackout, no Circus, and no Britney Jean. That's right, no 2.0s. The next album has to be a 1.0, meaning it has to be new, fresh and innovative. Britney has to seek out producers who are daring and trying new things. She can't rely on the old stand-byes - Max Martin, Dr. Luke, Will.i.am, etc. Those guys are great and have produced some of her best work; however, pop stars can't live in the past.
Regardless of what you think about Taylor Swift (I think she's amazing) you have to give her credit for stepping outside her comfort zone. Sure, she was never really pure country, but now she's thrown the country out of the window. She's reinvented herself as a sexy pop star. She's showing a lot more skin, she's ditched the guitar and she's dancing (sort of). She's doing something new, fresh and innovative.
I don't expect Britney to become a country singer, but id she wants success on her 9th album she'll need that same kind of reinvention. Doing the same thing is akin to moving backward. That was Britney Jean's biggest problem. By giving us the same sounds she basically brought to the mainstream, Britney was actually taking a step backwards. Lyrically it was a step forward from Femme Fatale, but pop music doesn't concern itself with lyrics.
There's no doubt she can do it. Look at Blackout and Femme Fatale for proof. Both albums featured sounds that weren't on the radio. She took a gamble that the underground beats she featured would be popular. Thanks to four top 10 singles, she was dead-on. There's no reason she can't do it again.

Loneliness and Desperation

I see you in the stars
I see you in the clouds
I see you in my dreams
I see you in my doubts

You surround me
But I can never get that close to you
You surround me
Yet so far away it can't be true
So I've come to the conclusion that I will never be the one for you

I feel you shake the ground
I feel you pierce the air
I feel you all around
I feel you disappear

You surround me
And I try to get so close to you
You surround me
But who am I to think it could be true
So I've come to the conclusion that I will never be the one for you

There you go again

You're messing up my life

On you I can't depend

Cause I'm always right

...That I will never be that close to you

You surround me

But you're far away

You surround me

And I will never be

Oh, I will never be

And I will never get that close to you

No matter what I do

I will never get that close to you

Can Do Kim (More Like Can't Do Kim)

Is Kim Kardashian the most delusional person on the planet Earth or is she a role-model for women everywhere?
It seems like an obvious answer, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. She recently tweeted about wanting to lose 15-20 lbs. Apparently, she gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy and has had difficulty losing it (although, she later clarified that it's not just baby weight, because apparently calling it baby weight is just an excuse). I'm sure 100 percent of moms can sympathize with that. What mother has an easy time dropping the baby lbs?
Here's Kim's problem: she's complaining about losing those extra pounds while at the same time taking selfies in her bikini and being photographed wearing the tightest and shortest outfits imaginable. Do you see the disconnect?
Most women who feel slightly overweight, or who feel they weigh a bit more than they'd like, don't flaunt their bodies on social media. Granted, some women are overweight and proud. However, talking about the need to lose 15-20 lbs doesn't seem like something a proud person would say. Therefore, it's safe to assume Kim isn't proud of her current body. Yet, she flaunts it all over town. Again, see the disconnect?
So, it seems like the obvious answer is obvious for a reason. Kim is just delusional and doesn't understand the words that come out of her mouth (or in this case, out of her fingers). Perhaps she's looking for some sympathy. She did tweet that she was "glad some of you can relate." That begs another question: who the hell can relate to Kim Kardashian?
She also said that "dieting is soooo hard for me." Extra O's for emphasis, because the woman with one of the most enviable bodies on Earth has trouble keeping herself in shape (and she wants you to know it).
Kim needs to realize that you can't love yourself enough to dress in uber-skinny jeans and super tight dresses while also complaining about the 15-20 lbs you need to lose. Beside, no one is going to feel sorry/empathy for someone with THAT body (boobs and ass) and all that money.

Saying Goodbye to Britney Spears

Britney recently confessed to Mario Lopez that she's considering retiring after her Vegas run is up. I once read an article that began, "Britney is so famous that it's hard to imagine a world in which she doesn't exist." Well, in two years, we might find out what that world would look like. I'm guessing it probably won't look that great.
I was a freshman in college when I first heard ". . . Baby One More Time," Britney's first smash hit. I liked the song, but didn't immediately become enamored with the singer. I saw the video, and even though Britney looked amazing, I still didn't fall in love with her. Truthfully, I never bought either of her first two albums (I downloaded them illegally). In my defense, it was hard for a straight, college boy to go out and buy a Britney CD (remember, there was no iTunes back then).
By album three, her first self-titled album, I got up the courage to actually purchase it. At that point, like much of America, I had fallen in love with Britney. It wasn't the VMA snake or the "I'm A Slave 4 U" body. If I'm being honest, it was the whole package. She had the personality of someone you went to high school with: bubbly, but not annoying; sweet, but not boring.
The only thing that really changed over the past 10-plus years was that while America sorta gave up on her, her true fans never did. There's no doubt that on the road of life, she's seen her fair share of bumps. But, really, who hasn't? I know that I've had many ups and downs going from birth to where I am now. I've been the victim of some poor circumstances and I've caused my own pain.
Life is a learning experience that you never quite figure out until you're dead. I'm sure Britney will make more mistakes. You don't stop making mistakes just because you get older. I'm right there in the 30-club with Britney and I'm definitely not done screwing up.
I don't think Britney will really retire in two years. If she does, she'll leave behind quite the legacy. However, she'll also leave behind a lot of sad fans. I wonder if she truly knows the impact she's had on people's lives. She more than anyone else has encapsulated the phrase, "Be Yourself." Have you ever thought, even for a second, that Britney was ever being fake? Some artists you don't know about, but you always know with Britney.
When Britney retires, whether it's in two years or 20 years, she won't get a gold watch, she won't get a party, she won't even get a pat on the back and a "good job." She might get a thanks and a "don't let the door hit you on the way out." Many people have written her obituary for years; in fact, the AP wrote her actual obituary in 2007. Critics have been trying to get rid of her for years.
Here's the truth: we need Britney, warts and all. We need someone to look utterly bored during a boring interview instead of faking it, we need her quotes, we need the sexy videos, the songs, the choreography that everyone seems to think they can do better than Britney. But mostly we need a counterbalance to all the weird shit we see nowadays.
Yes, somehow Britney has become the most normal person in pop music. She keeps in tongue in her mouth and doesn't dress in meat.
I'm gonna miss Britney when she goes.

More Britney than Britney: Britney Jean delivers on all the promises

It can be hard to live up to a legacy. If you have a famous parent, people expect you to achieve the same level of fame. It's even harder to live up to a legacy if that legacy is your own.
Britney Spears didn't have famous parents. Her mom taught and her dad cooked. She forged her own legacy through hard work and determination. Her debut album and single both went #1. Her followup sold 1.3 million copies in its first week of release, a record that still stands. There's only one problem with being that good: you can only be that good for so long.
Every album after her second was successful. All but one reached #1. But because she couldn't top her second album, people wondered if she was finished. In fact, since her second album came out in 2000, people have been wondering if she was finished for 13 years.
No matter how many albums she sold, and she sold plenty given the nature of the music business, critics couldn't help but point out how each album after her second sold less and less. Even though one million here and a couple million there is pretty impressive, it wasn't 10 and 20 million like her first two albums. Therefore, something had to give. Either Britney really was finished or people would just have to accept that she'd never be able to top her first two albums.
If you accept the music for what it is, and not worry about how much it sells, you can really enjoy it. Britney knows that. If Britney wanted to sell millions of records, if that was her only goal, she would have simply copied the popular trends. Instead, she stayed ahead of the game: on Blackout she introduced EDM and dubstep-style music to the masses. When that sound got played out, she went in a different direction for Circus. A couple years later, Britney brought that sound back, even harder, with Femme Fatale.
It's hard to constantly stay ahead of the trends, though. You can only push music so far before you push it off the cliff. At some point Britney realized that fact. Therefore, she had to find another way to stay creative and ahead of her peers. What did she do? She created Britney Jean.
The mash-up has become very popular over the past decade. Taking two styles and combining them has worked for Jay Z and Linkin Park. It also works for Britney. While Britney Jean doesn't mash-up two different music styles, it mashes up two ideas: dance songs and personal songs.
Every pop artist has in their back pocket the treacly ballad designed to make you weep or to make you feel. They also have uptempo tracks designed to get you moving. Britney Jean gives you both, minus the treacly part. There are no tender weepy ballads here. No Everytime. What Britney has given us are thoughtful, even poignant songs about love and heartache that just happen to be set to a beat you can dance to.
She could have mailed this effort in. She didn't have to co-write every track on the album. But she realized something: if she wanted to continue to have success, she had to evolve. The dance-floor diva had to let people see behind the curtain. She may not reveal everything - a good magician never does - but she's pulled back the curtain to give us lessors a sneak peak.
Perfume is the story of a woman who's afraid her boyfriend still has feelings for an ex. She may not name names, but this is personal. Alien let's us know that Britney wants to go home. She's never belonged in Hollywood, and now she's finally telling us. In Passenger, Britney reveals that she's finally ready to let someone else take the wheel. Maybe it's Jesus, maybe it's not, but it's from her heart.
Britney gets so personal on this record that she even duets with her sister. They sing about drinking wine and chilling out. I know, Britney doesn't drink. But don't look at the wine as anything other than a metaphor. Perhaps Britney is now finally ready to relax. I don't know if she'll ever get to go "home" - she is a celebrity, after all, and the camera never disappears - but if she's comfortable enough to work with her sister, maybe she can turn Hollywood into home.
Britney's been a loner. Britney Jean reflects that fact. She has love now, though, thanks to her boyfriend and her children. Maybe on a future record, she could include this lyric:
I was happy being alone until I got lonely/Now I just wanna spend my life with you

Work Bitch Just Can't Push the Envelope

There was a time when anything that Britney Spears did was controversial: perform a strip-tease, dance with a snake, wear nothing but crystals/a red leather catsuit/nothing, and of course make out with a woman. Nowadays, that envelope is pretty hard to push. In the last couple of months we've seen videos featuring nudity, strippers, giant bears (?), hot dogs (?), and lots of tongue. And that's just from Miley Cyrus. Let's not even talk about Rihanna's booty shaking "Pout It Up" video.
We've seen it all it seems, so when Britney dropped her "Work Bitch" video featuring whips, chains, bondage, and sharks (!) the general reaction wasn't "Oh My God," it was "Oh." It's a great video and the response has been positive, but in a world in which twerking is the norm it just can't shock us.
Go back to the late 90s when Prodigy dropped their video for "Smack My Bitch Up." That video featured a first-person look at what we think is a guy doing drugs, getting drunk, abusing women (and men), and finally getting laid. Turns out it was a woman doing all that. It was so controversial that it could only air late at night on MTV. Today, if you just blurred out the boobs, you could air that in the middle of the day.
Therefore, how do you shock? How do you push the envelope? Britney is whipping girls in her video and she has one girl with a Beats Boombox in her mouth like a ball-gag. Yet, there's no outrage, no one crying foul. Maybe her and director Ben Mor didn't intend to shock anyone. Maybe they both know that the envelope has been pushed so far that it's not even worth trying.
Obviously, we've come along way since Prodigy asked us to smack our bitch up. We can see things on the Internet we never could: sex, blood, you name it, it's out there. So, Britney whipping some girl on the ass is pretty tame. In fact, we've pushed the envelope so far that the only way to shock is to not shock at all. In that regard, maybe "Work Bitch" is shocking.
Congrats Britney, you found a new way to push that envelope.

Big Brother Proves the Internet Has Flaws

For some ungodly reason, the TV show Big Brother has decided to start a live Internet feed. That means you can sit on your couch and watch people sitting on their couch. It's pretty meta. It's also pretty fucking stupid.
Of course, watching people 24 hours a day, racism and bigotry is bound to show up. Because when we don't like somebody, the easiest thing to do is to attack their race. Hate an Asian person - make fun of their driving. Hate a black person - offer them fried chicken and watermelon. Hate a gay person - call them a queen (or queer or faggot).
Seriously, is there nothing better to do than watch people behaving like morons? I can think of 50 things better to do. Here's a list:
1. Mow your lawn
2. Mow your neighbors lawn
3. Repaint your house
4. Put on an orange jumpsuit and pick up trash along the highway
5. Try on every item in your closet
6. Make borsch
7. Vacuum
8. Listen to every album Justin Bieber has ever released
9. Watch all 10 Friday the 13th movies in order
10. Donate a kidney
11. Alphabetize your soups
12. Download every single picture ever taken of Britney Spears
13. Watch every season of the Jersey Shore
14. Take apart your computer and put it back together
15. Cry
16. Dance the Macarena
17. Do the electric slide
18. Read the Bible from cover to cover
19. Learn Finnish
20. Bike ride to the northern most point in Canada
21. Light yourself on fire
22. Write a poem in iambic pentameter to Miley Cyrus
23. Twerk
24. Climb on the roof of your house and just stand there
25. Vomit
26. Liquify a cookie
27. Memorize the phone book
28. Play freeze tag, stay frozen
29. Watch the VHS tape of your parents' wedding
30. Play a round of golf with your eyes closed
31. Teach your goldfish yoga
32. Follow every single person on Twitter. Literally, every person
33. Build a time machine
34. Listen to your wife tell you about someone she doesn't like at work
35. Work Bitch
36. Sell your VCR on ebay
37. Read the Collected Works of William Shakesspeare
38. Buy a pair of yoga pants in every color
39. Create a program similar to Facebook (but not so similar that you'll get sued)
40.Sleep
41. Shoot a sex video that has no sex in it
42. Buy one scratch ticket for every day you thought about strangling someone
43. Shoot a rhino
44. Get breast implants, then have them removed the next day
45. Fall down
46. Get up
47. Cook every meal in your cookbook in one day
48. Knock on people's doors and offer to iron their shirts
49. Take up smoking
50. Swim from Cuba to Florida