New Year's Resolutions

This year, make some resolutions you can actually stick to. Such as:
- Resolve to smack your girlfriend around less
- Resolve to fuck your wife more
- Resolve to only smoke a pack a day (and not two)
- Resolve to listen to more Billy Joel and less Rebecca Black
- Resolve to wear clothing that covers your boobs and ass
- Resolve to put off that nose job for another year
- Resolve to drink only on the weekends, holidays or when there are three or more people in the same room as you
- Resolve to forget all the bad things you did and remember the good things
- Resolve to stop cheating on your husband with those two black guys (just pick one)
- Resolve to spend more money on cheap alcohol and strippers
- Resolve to stop stressing over dirty dishes
- Resolve to forgive your idiotic kid for wrecking the family car that you stupidly let him drive
- Resolve to GAIN weight . . . but just a little
- Resolve to lose that weight in 2013
- Resolve to take that money you were gonna spend on Lady Gaga tickets and give it to the homeless (or a really good friend who likes Lady Gaga)
- Resolve to hug your kids more - you know, those little people who live in your house and eat your food
- Resolve to slap your wife less in the face and more on the ass
- Resolve to learn more Japanese and less English
- Resolve to visit the in-laws once this year (even if you know they're not going to be home)
- Resolve to stop looking at pictures of Lindsay Lohan topless
- Resolve to sell your $100,000 car, give 3/4 of that money to charity, and then buy a regular fucking car
- Resolve to wear less fur . . . or wear more fur but at least inform PETA of your decision so they can throw things at you
- Resolve to be more religious - or less religious - whatever makes you less likely to commit mass homicide
- Resolve to watch less MTV until they start showing the M again
- Resolve to buy more Britney Spears songs
- Resolve to sober up before you drive, unless you're driving on a lonely dirt road where there's no chance of you hitting anyone. Then drive as drunk as you like
- Resolve to bully more, assuming, of course, you're willing to take it up the ass
- Resolve to work on your flow so one day you can spew homophobic rants in rhyme form
- Resolve to be a bigger fucking asshole than you were in 2012
- Resolve to be poorer
- Resolve to NOT date, speak to, or have sex with that incredibly attractive single woman you work with
- Resolve to end more sentences with a preposition
- Resolve to lose weight, quit smoking, and be a better person. Just kidding
- Resolve to be more like Taylor Swift: tall, blond, beautiful, and always ripping on some guy for breaking your heart
- Resolve to improve you're grammer
- Resolve to improve your spelling
- Resolve to take that vacation, so long as you do it during the busiest time of the year at work thereby screwing over all the people you work with
- Resolve to make less resolutions
- Resolve to inject yourself with so much botox that when you're 55 you'll have the face of a 25-year old . . . who can't smile, frown or show any emotion
- Resolve to get divorced the minute your marriage encounters one bump in the road
- Resolve to become famous for getting hit in the genitals
- Resolve to masturbate 400 times this year . . . with your left hand
- Resolve to kick the marijuana habit by using cocaine.
- Finally, resolve to fuck someone over: park in a handicapped space, take the last doughnut, refuse to give to the Salvation Army, throw away your old clothes instead of donating them, waste food, don't recycle, and cut someone off while driving 88 mph. In general, keep doing what you've been doing.