Keeping Up With Fake Reality TV

I got to thinking, if you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians as a scripted TV show (because that's basically what it is) and not as a reality show (because there's nothing much real about it), it might be eminently watchable.
What does it offer - well, there's comedy (any time someone cries, namely Kim), drama (any time someone gets mad at someone else, again, Kim), hot chicks (your mileage may vary, but you could say all three older sisters and the mom), and crazy antics (usually involving Khloe).
What it doesn't offer - well, mostly, real-life interactions or situations. For instance, the Kardashians have no connection to the average person because the average person isn't worth millions of dollars and doesn't get paid for merely existing. There's an ironic disconnect between America struggling with today's economy, yet making a show about rich people popular. How many other shows on TV feature a cast of rich people?
I understand the idea of fantasy and escapism, but the Kardashians are supposed to be a reality show. A reality show would be the antithesis of fantasy. Hell, reality is the reason fantasy exists. How does someone escape into a reality show? Because, even if you accept that the show is not very real, the people in it are. I suppose you could fantasize about their reality. If you accept that the show is fake, yet understand that these people are very wealthy, there could be the chance for some escapism there. Peeking in to see how the other half lives, even if you're not quite sure what you're seeing is how they actually live.
Herein lies the problem with reality TV: what you're seeing isn't 100 percent real, you know it's not real, yet you pretend it is because these reality "stars" are living exciting, interesting lives (even if they're not really those people). They're living in big houses, they're spending $1,000s, they're going to hot clubs/parties/events, and they're doing it without so much as a wink. They know it's fake, you know it's fake, but it's all kept silent for the sake of the show. It's like wrestling: the wrestlers know it's scripted, the audience knows it's scripted, but no one says anything because it's no fun if they tell you what you're watching isn't real.
Don't get me wrong: the Kardashians do live in big houses, they do spend $1,000s and they do go to hot clubs/parties/events. That's all real. It's just all that other stuff, the reason people tune in every week, isn't.

Replacing J. Lo

It seems clear J. Lo isn't returning for a third season of Idol (Update: it's now all but certain after her interview with the Today Show). That means it's time to find a replacement. But, how does one replace J. Lo?
Jenny from the block, so to speak, brought many things to the judges table: confidence, star power, knowledge, and, you know, plain and simple gorgeousness. That means her heir has to bring at least some of that. Who, then, would be a good candidate for the seat (it has to be a woman, obviously). Here are some choices (excluding Christina, Britney and Demi because, duh, they already have jobs judging talent):
Miley Cyrus - If Demi is deemed worthy of judging singing talent, then Miley should fit right in. She has all the traits J. Lo has, plus youth. Of course, people will chastise her for not being a very good singer, but J. Lo wasn't known for her voice and she did all right.
Gwen Stefani - Another person who has all the traits that J. Lo has. She gets bonus points for being known as a singer and not a dancer (she did front a rock/ska/pop band, remember).
Mary J. Blige - She's the queen of hip-hop/soul. She's been a guest mentor a few times. We know she can sing. She even guest judged a few years ago during a couple audition stops. Beside, Idol hasn't had a judge with soul before.
Alicia Keys - Can sing? Yes. Play the piano? Yes. Huge superstar? Yes. Hit songs? Yes. Gorgeous? Yes. What else do you need. Plus, she's from "the block," too.
Kelly Clarkson - I think we have a winner. Perhaps she's not as gorgeous as J. Lo, but she'd bring a huge voice to the judges tables. I mean she did win some little singing show a few years back. I think she could discern a good singer from a bad one. Plus, who's not going to listen to the person who WON THE VERY FIRST SEASON OF AMERICAN IDOL. Seriously.
Kelly for President, err, Idol judge.
(Update: it appears Steven Tyler is leaving, too.)
A lot of upheaval at Idol. With J. Lo and Steven most likely out, the show needs replacements. One of the five girls above would be a perfect replacement for J. Lo (coughKellyClarksoncough). But what about Steven?
Clearly Idol wants one crazy judge. Scratch that, all shows want one crazy judge. Howard Stern on America's Got Talent, Cee-Lo Green on The Voice and now Britney Spears on X-Factor all do and say things that make you go, "Excuse me!" Well, out of the five female judges listed only Miley Cyrus is anywhere near crazy, and her crazy involves the way she dresses. I don't think that's enough for Idol.
Therefore, Idol needs a male judge who's crazy, over-the-top and maybe a bit psychotic. Let's see who we can dig up:
Alice Cooper - He was one of the original "shock rockers" back in the 70s.  While he may not say absurd things like Steven, a guy who wears more makeup than Lady Gaga (and weirder outfits) is definitely high up on the crazy scale.
Ozzy Osbourne - He bit the head off a bat and you can barely understand a word he says. If that's not at least a 9 on the crazy scale, we need a new scale.
Any member of Slipknot - They wear masks, look like sociopaths and scream a lot. That's crazy and scary.
Any member of Gwar - See above, only these guys are even more crazy and even more scary.
Justin Bieber - On the surface, this seems like a weird choice. He doesn't seem crazy at all. However, look closer. He dresses like a 20-year old lesbian half the time and like a kid stuck in the mid-90s the other half (even though he's dating one of the best dressed people alive). He's Canadian, so he eats strange food and probably started drinking by age 13. He probably loves hockey and curling. Finally, the guy attacks glass, drives 100 mph and rips women who pretend he got them pregnant. Yeah, he's definitely crazy.

Dear Mr. Media Man

It's been one day - ONE DAY! - that Britney Spears has sat down at the judges table for X-Factor and already there's controversy. Hilariously, this controversy couldn't be more fabricated.
TMZ reported yesterday that Britney "walked off" after some poor contestant reportedly butchered one of her songs. Today, they continue with that story, but also claim she was "overwhelmed" and apparently has some super contract where she can do whatever she wants. Like, if she wants Cheetos and Fanta, she can get up in the middle of the show and get some Cheetos and Fanta. Or, perhaps, if the air conditioning isn't set at the right level, Britney can apparently leave, find the guy responsible for adjusting it, get him to adjust it, then go to the bathroom, have a quickie with her fiancee, Skype with her kids, and order three pairs of YSL shoes online, all while Demi, Simon, and LA continue judging without her. Then, when she returns, it's not, "Where the hell have you been, Britney," it's, "Welcome back Miss Queen, we kept your seat warm for you."
There's no doubt Simon is doing jumping jacks in his living room after all the press the show has gotten on the first day of auditions. Clearly, Britney's reported "walk off" wasn't a "walk off," but more a "Britney, why don't you leave so people will think you walked off and we'll get tons of press," maneuver cooked up by Simon. He's a smart guy.
I can't wait until her next controversy where she disagrees with Demi and the media reports that she called Demi an "untalented skank-stain on the shirt of the music business."
Ah, Britney, making the media her bitch since 1999.

A Factor of One

This is the second season of X Factor in the U.S., so why does it feel like the show needs saving?
The first season had solid, if not unspectacular, ratings. However, Simon Cowell, who brought the show over from the UK, decided that wasn't good enough and dropped two judges (Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger) and the host. He replaced them with judges Britney Spears and Demi Loavto (though, as of now, no known host(s)).
Those are big moves, especially since Britney is reportedly being paid $15M and Demi $1M+. Those moves are akin to a baseball team making the playoffs, losing in the first round, then dumping two of their starting pitchers. Were the X Factor moves really necessary?
Britney is, in keeping with the baseball references, the Albert Pujols of entertainment, i.e. the biggest star. Well, the Anaheim Angels signed Pujols to a massive contract. They're currently in last place. Clearly, the two aren't 100 percent related, but there is a lot of pressure on Britney. The Angels also signed pitcher CJ Wilson. Yet, no one is blaming him for the team being in last place. If X Factor doesn't bring in the ratings, it won't be Demi's fault. Again, that places a lot of pressure on Britney.
It's hard to think that a show that just premiered would be in need of saving, but these moves make it seem as such. It's hard to compete with American Idol, just ask The Voice.  That show went out and got big name judges/coaches in Christina, Cee-lo, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton. Unfortunately, they're still playing second fiddle to Idol. Now, X Factor has gotten the biggest name judge you can get in Britney. If she falters, well . . .
It's a funny thing - people expect her to fail. In fact, that's why they'll be tuning in. Only two types of viewers will watch X Factor: Britney (and Demi) fans and everyone else waiting to see her screw up. In some warped way, it almost benefits Britney to fuck up. If people tune in to see a train wreck and don't see one, they'll tune out. But if they get their train wreck, they won't be able to turn away.
Driving on the highway, if you see an accident, you'll look at least once to examine the damage. If there's nothing there, you'll turn away. But, suppose there's a huge wreck. Well, you can't take your eyes off that, can you? Yes, Britney will be savaged if/when she screws up. Yes, the media is going to scrutinize everything she does, from what she says, how she says it, where she puts her hands, how she points her toes, etc. Ironically, those screw ups could deliver the biggest ratings.
Imagine that, the biggest star in the world getting paid $15M by a guy who secretly hopes she fucks up. Of course, people will eventually get tired of watching Britney make mistakes and the show will have to sink or swim on its own merit. But that might not be until season three, a season that probably won't even feature Britney. For this season, Britney's best move might be to make her worst move.

Brit Factor

Now that it's unofficially official that Britney Spears will be joining the judges table on X Factor (along with Simon Cowell, LA Reid and, reportedly, Demi Lovato), the questions about will she or won't she can be put to rest (plus the questions of how much will she make, will she do one-year or two, etc.). We can all now focus on, not will she do it, but how WELL will she do it.
Very well, I think.
In order to be a judge of anything, you need to have knowledge about the subject you are judging. Clearly, Britney has knowledge about singing/performing. She's been in the business 13 years. It also helps to have success in the field your judging. For instance, you wouldn't want the judge on a cooking show to be someone who, although the or she cooks, can't cook well. Britney, though, cooks very well: five #1 hits on the Billboard chart, plus countless top 10s (not to mention every studio album she's released has debuted in the top two on Billboard's 200 chart).
Besides knowledge and success, you need, at least for TV, a personality. This is where some people think Britney's in trouble. Over the last four years Britney's personality has changed, according to those who think she'll fail. In reality, has it? Yes, during TV interviews her answers are a bit more concise, her overuse of the word cool is evident, and she can appear uncomfortable at times. But if you watch videos of her when she thinks no one is watching, she appears to be the same old Britney.
Here's the thing: no one is interviewing her on X Factor. Here's another thing: some of those interviews Britney's done in the last four years, at least those on the radio, were awesome (showing that she still has that vibrant, larger-than-life personality). Plus, she has three other judges on X Factor to step in if she gets tongue-tied (or says cool one time too many).
I don't know how you rank the current crop of judges, Adam Levine, Cee-lo Green, Christina Aguilera, Blake Shelton, Steven Tyler, J-Lo, Randy Jackson, Simon or LA. Maybe Britney won't be as polished as J-Lo or as cool as Cee-lo. She definitely won't be as "difficult" as Christina. But she'll bring warmth, because if there's one thing everyone says about her it's how nice she is.
Sure, X Factor could be a train wreck. Britney could freeze up the moment the light goes on. However, bet against that. Bet on the woman who's headlined the MTV VMAs so many times, they might as well call it the MTV Britneys. Bet on someone who's been on TV since she was 10. Bet on someone who's been asked every question in the book - from her boobs to her parenting skills - and barely managed to bat an eye.
I'm confident she'll crush this. Why not, she's crushed everything else.