An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

You seem like a really nice girl. I don't know you, but you seem sweet. You're not perfect, obviously, but I can tell you're doing your best.
That's why it's so hard to watch you constantly get into trouble. If it's not drugs, it's alcohol or stealing or fighting with your parents. It's always something. Some guy allegedly beats you up. Some random dude who somehow found his way into your hotel room supposedly assaulted you. That's not good.
You would have us believe the world is against you. Somehow God has conspired to make your life miserable. That's probably not true, if we're being honest. Truthfully, you probably bring this stuff on yourself by making poor life choices.
OK, let's say that you don't drink or do drugs any more. Great. But you manage to find yourself at places where alcohol and drugs are prevalent. Not great. Also not great: your crazy parents. Neither seems to be employed, unless you count making money off you as a job. Not only that, but they seem to know next to nothing about parenting.
You need to break the cycle. Far be it from me to tell you what to do. But here's some suggestions:
1. Avoid places where people drink. Drinkers tend to turn to drunks. Drunks are bad for someone like yourself who's on the wagon.
2. Avoid people who use drugs. Those people will eventually try to get you to use drugs. That would be a bad idea. Don't try to get them to stop using drugs, because that won't work. Just remove yourself from their life.
3. Move far away from your parents and never speak to them. They're allegedly grown-ups, so let them fend for themselves. They're nothing but bad news.
4. Nothing good happens after midnight, so stay in. Unless you need to have Taco Bell at 12:30 a.m. there's no reason to be out that late. And you don't need Taco Bell at 12:30 a..m. (trust me).
5. Shorten your list of friends by half. When you're famous you don't just have friends, you also have friends of friends of friends of friends. Everyone knows someone that knows someone that knows you. You need to reduce that number. Since you can't cut out the friends of friends, you need to cut out the friends. Demi Lovato just said she did a friends cleanse. You should, too.
I'm no expert, not a doctor, but this is just some friendly advice. You've made some pretty good movies. Mean Girls is great. Freaky Friday is really good. Herbie the Love Bug is better than it should be. I liked Just My Luck better than everyone else. But you can't make these movies if you're always the lead story on TMZ. You know who will make those movies: Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence and Rachel McAdams. Women who aren't the lead story on TMZ.
In summation: you're awesome - beautiful, talented, a hard worker (when you're not in court) - so it hurts to see you always in trouble. Stay out of trouble and take those roles back from Emma, Jennifer and Rachel. Get some money, don't give it to your parents (or hangers-on), and live a long, successful, happy life.
You deserve it.