I Love You So Much I'm Gonna Sue Your Family

There are many ways to express your love for a girl: flowers, chocolates, a poem, a song, or just saying "I love you." If you're Sam Lutfi, though, the best way to express your love for a woman is to sue her and her family and drag her name through the mud. Such a romantic, that guy.
In his opening statement, Sam's lawyer claimed that his client cared for Britney and was trying to help her back in 2007. After that selfless act, he was verbally assaulted and abused by Britney's family. So much so that his once sparkling reputation is now and forever unclean.
Once you've stopped laughing, think about this: he cared about Britney so much that he reportedly, according to his lawyer, wouldn't be her manager if she remained on drugs. Supposedly, Britney was so fucked up at the time, he said he'd only be her manager if she got clean. Then, six months later, she supposedly overdosed on some medication and had to be carted away to the hospital. Apparently, at least according to Sam's lawyer, she never got clean. Yet, even though his lawyer said he wouldn't be her manager if she kept using, he's demanding to be paid for managerial duties, all the while the lawyer claimed she kept using.
To summarize, Sam wants to be paid for his work as her manager during a time Britney was supposedly addicted to drugs, even after saying he wouldn't manage her if she was addicted to drugs. Make sense?
It's very confusing, especially when you consider how much Sam supposedly cares for Britney. Cares enough to sue her and her family.
This whole case seems like a slam dunk for Team Britney. 1) If she was fucked up, she couldn't have been mentally competent to hire anyone to be her manager, 2) With Sam saying he wouldn't manage her if she was fucked up, then the lawyer saying she overdosed six months later, it proves that either Sam is a liar and he didn't care if she was fucked up or he was never her manager, and 3) There are enough restraining orders against Sam to show that his character was already irrevocably damaged before Britney's mom trashed him in her book.
Strangely, according to TMZ, Britney's defense team said in its opening statement that Britney was messed up because of her breakup with Justin Timberlake. What? Something that happened in 2002 caused Britney to go off the deep end in 2007?
I'm not a lawyer, but in what universe does that make any sense? With all the info out there about Sam being a douchebag, not to mention the contradictory statements, why would they choose to start with her breakup to JT?
I don't know what's worse: Sam caring enough about Britney to sue her or her defense team bringing up a breakup that happened 10 years ago?
Thankfully, Britney can focus on X-Factor and music. The only hope for the rest of us is that this trial wraps up quickly.

The Numbers Don't Lie

I love Britney Spears. Anyone who knows me knows that. Which is why it's so disheartening to say that, as of now, X-Factor wasted its $15M on her.
Although the shows have been entertaining, Britney just hasn't brought in the viewers. The first two shows saw less than nine million people tune in. Even with all the hype and promo, The Voice beat out X-Factor's big debut. From there, the numbers got better, but only the fourth show reached 10 million viewers.
The Wednesday shows routinely do better ratings with the second hour always higher than the first. Unfortunately, you can't say the show is growing its audience because this Wednesday's show was only the fourth most watched. In fact, Thursday show, featuring Britney's and LA Reid's teams will be one of the least watched (once final numbers come in; preliminary numbers have the show as the least watched, but they could trend upward slightly).
Paying Britney $15M to get the same ratings as Survivor seems ridiculous when you realize that no one on Survivor makes anywhere near that kind of money. There's no chance Britney comes back for a second season unless the live shows see a major ratings increase.
I know there is a lot of competition - Modern Family, Survivor, Big Bang Theory - but that competition existed last year and X-Factor did as well or even better.
Other than saying how awesome Britney's been as a judge, it's hard to spin it to make it look like she's been worth the money. Doesn't it seem like Simon Cowell could have kept Paula Abdul or Nicole Scherzinger, brought in Demi Lovato, and still be doing the same ratings. There'd be less buzz, sure, but buzz hasn't lead to viewers. I know there's been lots of talk on social media about the show, but people talk on social media about Idol and that show didn't fare so well last season.
Obviously, this won't affect Britney's career. She'll still be in demand. It's just disheartening to see that maybe she's not quite as popular as she used to be.
Fortunately, we haven't reached the live shows yet. There's a chance people are merely waiting until then to turn in. Maybe people want to see Britney unedited. It's possible that the numbers could see a big climb when the show goes live in a few weeks. I hope so. Britney's good. So is Demi.
In life it's about quality over quantity. Unfortunately, in business it's mostly about quantity. Not, how good is your product, but, how many people are buying it. We need more buyers for X-Factor. It's actually a pretty good product.

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

You seem like a really nice girl. I don't know you, but you seem sweet. You're not perfect, obviously, but I can tell you're doing your best.
That's why it's so hard to watch you constantly get into trouble. If it's not drugs, it's alcohol or stealing or fighting with your parents. It's always something. Some guy allegedly beats you up. Some random dude who somehow found his way into your hotel room supposedly assaulted you. That's not good.
You would have us believe the world is against you. Somehow God has conspired to make your life miserable. That's probably not true, if we're being honest. Truthfully, you probably bring this stuff on yourself by making poor life choices.
OK, let's say that you don't drink or do drugs any more. Great. But you manage to find yourself at places where alcohol and drugs are prevalent. Not great. Also not great: your crazy parents. Neither seems to be employed, unless you count making money off you as a job. Not only that, but they seem to know next to nothing about parenting.
You need to break the cycle. Far be it from me to tell you what to do. But here's some suggestions:
1. Avoid places where people drink. Drinkers tend to turn to drunks. Drunks are bad for someone like yourself who's on the wagon.
2. Avoid people who use drugs. Those people will eventually try to get you to use drugs. That would be a bad idea. Don't try to get them to stop using drugs, because that won't work. Just remove yourself from their life.
3. Move far away from your parents and never speak to them. They're allegedly grown-ups, so let them fend for themselves. They're nothing but bad news.
4. Nothing good happens after midnight, so stay in. Unless you need to have Taco Bell at 12:30 a.m. there's no reason to be out that late. And you don't need Taco Bell at 12:30 a..m. (trust me).
5. Shorten your list of friends by half. When you're famous you don't just have friends, you also have friends of friends of friends of friends. Everyone knows someone that knows someone that knows you. You need to reduce that number. Since you can't cut out the friends of friends, you need to cut out the friends. Demi Lovato just said she did a friends cleanse. You should, too.
I'm no expert, not a doctor, but this is just some friendly advice. You've made some pretty good movies. Mean Girls is great. Freaky Friday is really good. Herbie the Love Bug is better than it should be. I liked Just My Luck better than everyone else. But you can't make these movies if you're always the lead story on TMZ. You know who will make those movies: Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence and Rachel McAdams. Women who aren't the lead story on TMZ.
In summation: you're awesome - beautiful, talented, a hard worker (when you're not in court) - so it hurts to see you always in trouble. Stay out of trouble and take those roles back from Emma, Jennifer and Rachel. Get some money, don't give it to your parents (or hangers-on), and live a long, successful, happy life.
You deserve it.

Britney-ing the Witness

There's a rumor going around, probably perpetuated by Sam Lutfi's defense team, that Britney's not testifying because she would defend Sam on the stand (even though the judge says it would cause Britney irrevocable harm to testify).
There are probably some people who buy that, some who think Sam is a good guy and didn't do anything bad to Britney. It just doesn't matter. Sam is suing the Spears family (Jamie and Lynne, but mostly Lynne for the book she wrote in 2008*) for defamation of character and causing irreparable damage to his reputation, plus breach of contract. The problem is, how can you defame a character that's already been dragged through the mud?
If Britney were to take the stand, what could she say other than, "Sam never did those things my mother alleged in her book." If she says that, then clearly the Spears' lawyers would ask her who did, forcing her to admit that she did it all to herself. Except, she wouldn't throw herself under the bus like that. She can't say her parents did it, because they were never there. Basically, if she testified and didn't want to testify against Sam she wouldn't be able to say anything.
It seems that Sam won't win in court, so he's aiming for a win with the public by making it look like Britney's team won't allow her to testify, not because it would do her harm, but because it would prove that Sam is not guilty of what Lynne alleges he's done.
Of course, it's quite possible that Lynne did exaggerate some of the things she wrote. Even if she did, how can she do more harm to Sam's character or reputation than he's already (allegedly) done to himself. How many stories have we heard over the years and restraining orders read? It would seem his character has been quite damaged already, well before Lynne even met him.
I'm not a lawyer, but wouldn't;t this backlog of evidence point to him being the kind of guy who would drug Britney and take her phones away? The Spears' lawyers wouldn't have to prove he did those things, just that he was capable of it. Truthfully, either he drugged Britney or she drugged herself. Lynne says he did it, and if her lawyers can prove he's that kind of guy, then I don't see how Sam can argue his character was defamed or reputation damaged.
Curiously, I don't remember Sam ever suing any of those other people who said all those nasty things about him. Oh, wait, they don't have Spears money. Obviously, if you're poor, you can call Sam any name you want. Get some money, and he'll come after you. Oops, I think I insinuated he's a gold digger. He might sue me for defamation. Actually, I have no money. Never mind.

*Here's the saddest thing: that book turned Lynne Spears into Dina Lohan, a woman trying to make money off her daughter's downfall. Had that book never been written, this situation probably wouldn't exist. While she's sitting in court and Sam's lawyers are reading excerpts, I hope she feels guilty.

Pennies From Heaven

Three shows in and X-Factor has shown us one thing: Britney Spears was worth every penny. Clearly, no one knows whether the show will produce the kind of ratings that will make Fox and Simon Cowell happy. But if they don't, it ain't Britney's fault.
I don't know what kind of numbers the show would have to do to justify paying Britney upwards of $15M, but for pure entertainment value, the show could have paid her twice as much. In fact, her facial expressions alone are worth $15M.
If you've watched any of the first three episodes of the show, you know X-Factor has featured Britney prominently (she even got her own montage where she rejected contestant after contestant). They paid $15M or so, therefore, building the show around her makes sense. Thankfully, it's pad off. Britney has been, for me at least, the most enjoyable part of X-Factor. Not to take anything away from the actual talent (or Demi Lovato, Simon or L.A. Reid), but Britney makes that show. And she doesn't even have to say anything to do it.
Not even counting episode three where she sang happy birthday, she's given us a plethora of must see moments. From recoiling in horror during a terrible audition, to her open-mouthed laugh whenever a contestant says something particularly funny, she's shown that you don't need words to express how you feel about a performance. She's given us bored, excited, confused, surprised, OMG!, a couple "I'm not here for this," and I even think I saw some side-eye.
Maybe the show's ratings won't rebound enough to warrant bringing back Britney for $15M, but it'll be X-Factor's loss. Britney said she suffered panic attacks her first show, so imagine the kind of facial expressions we could have gotten if she was comfortable from day one.
Trust me, you could run the show on mute and not miss a thing.

32 Steps

There are 32 steps to your front porch. A dilapidated, run-down, piece of shit porch that I crossed every day to get to your door. Amazingly, the front door looked pristine. Then again, anything would compared to that god-awful porch. I think your dad kept it that way on purpose to make the rest of the house look better by comparison. "Hey, this porch looks like shit, but the house is beautiful."
I've turned that doorknob so many times the creak is burned into my brain. Actually, it sounded more like a creeeeeeeak, longer than your average creak. Yet, somehow, the door opened silently as if someone oiled the hinges every day. Maybe you did. You always were meticulous about that sort of thing. I can picture you with an oil can, standing on a chair so you can reach the top hinge, squiring just enough oil so the door doesn't make a sound when it's opened.
Today, I won't be walking the 32 steps to that hideous front porch, I won't be turning that creeeeeeaky doorknob, and I won't be hearing the silence as I push the door open. Oh, wait a minute, you can't hear silence. You only reminded me of that approximately a million times. "Every time I open that door all I hear is silence." "You can't hear silence, silly," you'd say. "If you could hear it, it wouldn't be silent."
As I remember you telling me not to be ridiculous, I brush some dirt off the stone and find a long blond hair almost floating on the granite surface. It's not yours obviously. You lost your hair months ago. Sadly, it takes pictures nowadays to remind me what you looked like with hair. It was blond, definitely, and long, too. Usually straight, and kind of boring, to be honest. No offense.
Holding the hair between my fingertips I twirl it around and realize it could belong to anyone - your mom, sister, a friend. There were a lot of blonds in your family. I remember your mom once coming home with dark hair, "you know, like that Kardashian girl." Thankfully that phase didn't last. You never changed, though, until you had no choice.
Standing in the, I don't know what you call it, a wig store I guess, you tried on so many different ones. No matter the color, style or length, you never looked like you. Eventually, you quit trying. You were bald. You had a nicely shaped head, so it worked for you. You asked me if I had a problem being with a bald woman; I said no way. "Hair is overrated."
You were born in a month with 31 days and you have 31 letters in your full name. That's how I remember the 32 steps. Leslie-Anne Christina Beckenbrauer. What a fucking mouthful. Born October 25, 1982, your mom said you came out halfway, then stopped. Which is funny, because you never did anything halfway. You had blue eyes and more hair than the last time I saw you. Unfortunately, for all the things you mastered, growing wasn't one of them. You peaked at 5'1 with boobs only slightly larger than mine. That boob job you claimed to want never happened, thank God. No one likes fake boobs.
Since this wasn't a crime scene, I let the hair fall from my fingers. The wind picked it up and carried it away. I didn't even watch it leave.
Now that I think about it, I didn't watch a lot of things. I mostly watched you. I even watched you sleep. Is that creepy? I figured if Edward could watch Bella sleep, why can't I watch you? Besides, in my defense you slept a lot. I watched your little chest rise and fall. Actually, putting it that way does make it sound creepy. Let me rephrase: I watched your grown up, legal chest rise and fall. Sometimes I'd get close enough to feel you breathe. I'd open my mouth so you'd breathe into me. I'd breathe myself into you.
All that life I breathed into you did no good. But I took some of yours and I'm keeping it. If that's selfish, sue me. You can't have it back. You don't need it where you are, anyway.
There are 32 steps to your front porch. I'll never forget that.

Press Junkets and Boredom

With X-Factor debuting in two days, one would imagine this would be the most exciting time for Britney Spears fans. Sadly, I have bad news to report - it's not.
While Britney will do interviews with everyone and their grandmother (ET, Access Hollywood, E! News, Extra, etc.), the sad fact is they're all the same. She sits in a room (with Simon Cowell; apparently they're interview buddies), a reporter comes in, asks a bunch of generic questions, leaves, then the cycle repeats itself for a couple of hours.
Don't get me wrong, I love interviews. I'll love seeing Britney on Ellen and Jimmy Kimmell. But most of what we're going to get consists of Britney in a room answering the same questions: "What's it like working with Simon?' "What's it like working with Demi?" "How is the experience working on the show?" "Were you nervous?"
We've been down this road before - when Britney promoted Femme Fatale she did the same thing. The only difference was that back then some of the foreign reporters asked some odd questions that won't be asked this time, because there won't be foreign reporters (I don't think anyone in England/Japan/Italy/Russia cares much about the X-Factor USA). So, while those interviews may have been oddly compelling - though still generic - these interviews will be just generic.
It's unfortunate, because there are a million great questions you could ask. You just can't. Either her team won't allow them to be asked or Britney won't answer them. No one from ET or Access Hollywood is going to ask any controversial questions, as those would never get answered and, therefore, never make air (and when I use the term controversial I don't mean questions about her conservatorship).
By the time the tenth reporter asks her whether she found any stars during audition phase or how she got along with Simon, he or she won't get anything more than a sigh and a short response. "Honestly, the talent was good." "I, honestly, enjoyed, you know, working with Simon." Not very compelling.
Let's "shoot straight" - we want to know about panic attacks, walking off stage, going head-to-head with Christina, how she feels when people say she has no business judging talent, the awkward auditions (the guy giving her the flowers, then butchering Circus, and the former duet partner), and all the other juicy tidbits.
Ironically, Simon will tell us more about Britney than Britney will. If he did these press junkets alone, we'd probably get all sorts of scoops. Hell, just what he's told TMZ is more interesting than anything Britney will say this week or next.
Sadly, that's the nature of the beast. Keep everything shrouded in mystery until we no longer care. Britney's team is great at that. Of course, they've had a lot of practice.