Britannica's birthday is right around the corner. I would tell you how old she'll be but a gentleman never reveals a lady's age. Let's just say she's legal. Anyway, here are 30 reasons why it's awesome being Britannica.
1) Her job is to write about Britney Spears. Read that sentence again. Here, read it in all caps HER JOB IS TO WRITE ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS!!! (exclamation points added for even more emphasis). Do you know what your job is? It's definitely NOT writing about Britney Spears.
Think about it for a second. When she types up her resume, under previously held jobs, she can write "Wrote about Britney Spears." Seriously, how jealous are you right now?
Not only that, but when her mom says, "Honey, you write about Britney Spears too much," she can say back, "Sorry, ma, it's my job. Now, what's for dinner."
2) Being that her job is to write about Britney Spears, it would suffice that she spends all day LISTENING to Britney Spears. Not actually Britney, but her music (though, maybe they're secret friends. Maybe Britney calls Britannica up all the time and is like, "Hey, girl, missing you," and Britannica replies, "Ugh, I know, I miss you, too. Let's meet up." Then they meet up. That's totally fantasy, by the way.)
You know how when you listen to Britney your roommate, sibling, parent, significant other says, "Enough Britney?" and you reply, "Sorry," then play Carly Rae Jepson. Britannica doesn't need to apologize - she says "Yo, it's my job, homey. Chill the F out" (OK, I doubt she says homey, but she'd totally tell someone to chill the F out. Right?)..
3) Writing about Britney Spears gives her the perfect excuse to bug her friends with non-stop Britney music. And when they complain, like, "Hey Tannica (not that they'd call her Tannica, because that would be weird. They'd probably call her by her real name, which is . . . I better not give it away. I'll call her TM), cool it with the Britney," she counters with, "Yo, Sally (I'm sure she has a friend named Sally), I gots to be bumpin my Britney. You know how I roll (yes, she totally speaks like a black woman. There's no doubt about that).
4) She watches nothing but Britney videos. We all live sad lives where we stay up all night pigging out on ice cream (fudge brownie) watching "Slave 4 U" wishing we either had Britney's body or HAD Britney's body (you know what I mean), while Britannica does the exact same thing, only it's her JOB. Not the soft weeping, but the part where she watches Britney videos all night. Then texts Britney afterwards and says things like "O-M-G, Criminal is such a great video. Jason's abs are off the wall. Break me off a piece of that" (because, beside talking black, she also talks in hackneyed quips). Of course Britney responds, "Really? That's so cool. Honestly, thank you."
5) She can stare at pictures of Britney, and when people give her that funny look she tells them it's her job. As in, it's her job to STARE AT PICTURES OF BRITNEY. Let that sink in. I bet Britannica could tell you exactly what dress/shoe combo Britney wore to any awards show. You'd be like "'08 VMAs" and Britannica would answer . . . um, whatever the correct answer would be. Or, you could ask her what Britney wore to the RI X-Factor auditions and Britannica would reply, "Herve Leger/YSL, duh."
6) She has the perfect rejection line for any boy who tries to hit on her. Let's say a cute or mildly cute boy tries to spit some game and Britannica is NOT feeling it. She simply says, "Yo, I would love to spend time with you but all my time is taken up by Britney Spears. Sorry." Seriously, there's no comeback for that. It's game over.
7) She has the perfect come on for any boy she wants to get with. It's kinda like the rejection line only flipped. So, she walks up to a cute boy wearing her Herve Leger bandage wrap dress and YSL shoes (cause you know she's got Britney's fashion sense) and says, "I'd love to get to know you better but all my time is taken up by Britney Spears. We're just gabbing all the time, talking about her kids and her, you know, smoking hot bod. No biggie. Whatevs." Of course, any boy with half a brain would spend the rest of the night buying Britannica drinks and paying attention to everything she says.
8) She knows the dance moves to every Britney routine. OK, so most Britney fans know the dance moves to every Britney routine.
8) Someday she might babysit Britney's kids. Imagine Britney, Jason and the kids take a trip to the NY. They all stop by the record label where Britannica is hard at work (watching Britney videos, natch). Britney pops in and says, "Sweetie, could you watch Preston and JayJay (because you know Britney calls Jayden JayJay) while Jason and I get in a quickie in the copy room. Thanks doll." Boom, suddenly Britannica's babysitting the world's most famous children. Next think you know, they're all eating ice cream (the kids asked aunti Tanni for some, since Britannica would never eat on the job) and talking about how amazing Britney is. Britannica says, "I miss brunetteney," to which SP replies, "Don't we all, sister." Of course JayJay chimes in with an "I hear that," then they all enjoy a good chuckle.
9) If Britney ever needed a fill-in assistant, Britannica would probably be high on the list of candidates. Let's say Brett comes down with small pox (or chicken pox or she gets bitten by a Cullen), Britney would totally text Britannica and say, "Honey, can you come over? I need some help picking between these Louboutins or these Jimmy Choos." Hello?!?! You know Britannica would be right there.
10) Plainly and simply, Britannica just rocks. It's great to be Britannica because Britannica is flat-out awesome. She works hard and is devoted to Britney. Her only miscue is wanting to have Justin Bieber's baby. Um, eww!
11) Er, did I say 30 reasons? I meant 10. There are 10 reasons why it's good to be Britannica.
Happy birthday
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