Vote 4 Britney

Ladies, gentlemen, and my fellow Americans,
Tonight is the start of a new dawn, as season 2 of X-Factor gets underway for real. Tonight is fan voting.
Now, you may be tempted to vote for one of Demi Lovato's young adults, one of Simon Cowell's groups or even one of L.A. Reid's over 25s, but I implore you to put down that phone. This is an important vote and you need all that facts.
Can you really trust Demi? Can you trust someone whose hairstyle changes daily, someone whose hair color goes from blond to brunette seemingly every hour? Can you trust someone with eyebrows that cover half her forehead? What is she hiding? Those tattoos, "Stay" and "Strong," what do they REALLY mean? You need to ask yourself what a vote for Demi would do to this country.
What about Simon? Is it really fair that Simon has 11 people on his team? Everyone else has four, but he has 11. Can you trust someone who needs three times as many people as everyone else? And what about those shirts that don't seem to cover everything? People haven't seen this much chest hair since the 1970s. Ask yourself this: what do Simon and his 11 performers do behind closed doors?
Finally, we have L.A. Sure, he looks innocent, but remember this: he has no hair. Do you know where it went, because I don't. Why did it leave? Isn't it interesting we never found out. What did L.A. do that was so terrible it made his hair up and leave his head? Is that the kind of man you want as your X-Factor champion?
People, it's clear there's only one person you can trust with your vote. Well, technically three: Carly, Beatrice and Arin. A vote for Britney isn't just a vote for Britney. It's a vote for all teens. Remember, you either are a teen, were a teen or will be a teen. If you vote against them it's like voting against yourself. Would you really vote against yourself?
Look at Britney - her bangs are so perfect that Carly Rae Jepsen calls her for hair advice, her legs so immaculate that Carrie Underwood asks for personal training tips, and her composure so polished that the Duchess herself calls for etiquette lessons.
America, a vote for Britney is a vote for yourself. Therefore, when you pick up the phone tonight, don't vote for Simon, Demi or L.A. Vote for Britney. Vote for you.