When Simon Cowell signed Britney Spears to a contract to be a mentor on X-Factor, he, most likely, rightly assumed he'd be getting the pop superstar/legend that's sold 60 million albums (give or take) in the US. However, he, maybe not so surprisingly, ended up with Britney the Mother.
It would have made sense to assume that Britney, being the Queen of Pop, would have expected everyone to be as amazing as she is and never settle for less, to even be overtly critical of her own group. But it's really been the opposite. Britney never said one negative comment about any of her teens the entire show. No matter how poorly they performed or how negative the other judges were, every comment from Britney stayed positive and included such lines as, "I'm so proud of you" and "That was amazing."
When you think about it, what she said was no different than what any mother tells their young children. No matter how unrecognizable their drawing is, no matter how many times they struck out, no matter how bad whatever you let them cook tastes, you always tell them whatever they did was amazing. It's almost like a reflex.
Remember when Simon said something unflattering about Beatrice Miller? Britney quickly defended her by saying she had more talent in her pinky than all of Simon's groups combined. The comeback was clearly ridiculous, but it's what a mother says when her baby is insulted. Plus, Beatrice's huge smile showed how much she appreciated Britney standing up for her.
Would it have been more fun if Britney were more critical, more demanding? Maybe, maybe not. But it wouldn't have felt as real. I'm sure she spends most of her day telling her sons something that did was amazing. It's probably much more natural for her than sitting on some imaginary throne that her fans love to pretend she sits on judging people.
None of Britney's teens won X-Factor, but she was clearly the best mentor. The top 10 consisted of four of Britney's acts. She took Carly Rose to the finals. All the while, she kept a positive attitude. Some people hated her stock quotes. But this is what mom's do, they repeat stuff. Britney just did what she's been doing for the last seven years.
Perhaps Simon is secretly disappointed in Britney's performance. But this is who she is now. She's a mother first and you can't just turn those instincts off. She's not mean, and she probably never will be.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
A Rose By Any Other Name
Britney's last remaining mentee, Carly Rose Sonenclar, has had her share of ups and downs. Of course, most of those downs involved people butchering her name: Carly Rose Sonenblurg, Carly Rae, and Carly Rose Sonaclar (even Britney screwed up when she accidentally announced Arin Ray's name instead of Carly's). Thankfully, her ups have far overshadowed her downs.
Since day one, she's been one of the favorites to win it all and has ranked in the top two every single week (along with Tate Stevens). Every performance she's given has been almost flawless (or flaw free, if you will). It's legitimately amazing to think she's not even in high school yet and she out-sings people twice her age (or in the case of Tate, almost three times her age).
It's almost a dead certainty that she makes the final three. The best part is, even with Britney and all her fans behind her, she's earned it based on her singing ability. Britney's asked people to vote for her, but she's been good enough that she could probably get by without it.
It would be pretty cool if Britney's mentee won, especially for Britney's fans. But it might be even better for X-Factor. If they want her back for season three, her winning would be a great starting point in negotiations. It would be easy to convince her that she did such a great job by mentoring the winner that she should come back and try to do it again. People love to win.
As for CRS, it's impossible to know if she'll have success once the show ends. Britney won't be there any more to guide her and walk her through the mine-field that is the music business. Of course, it's quite possible she doesn't need Britney. It's also quite possible that Britney becomes so attached to Carly she offers to help with her debut album (writing, producing, or getting her writers and producers to work with Carly).
So, even with a name that's been butchered by both Mario Lopez and Khloe Kardashian, Carly's shown that she can be the butcher, too. And, really, a Carly Rose by any other name would still crush the competition. Just make sure you spell her name right, X-Factor, when she wins.
Since day one, she's been one of the favorites to win it all and has ranked in the top two every single week (along with Tate Stevens). Every performance she's given has been almost flawless (or flaw free, if you will). It's legitimately amazing to think she's not even in high school yet and she out-sings people twice her age (or in the case of Tate, almost three times her age).
It's almost a dead certainty that she makes the final three. The best part is, even with Britney and all her fans behind her, she's earned it based on her singing ability. Britney's asked people to vote for her, but she's been good enough that she could probably get by without it.
It would be pretty cool if Britney's mentee won, especially for Britney's fans. But it might be even better for X-Factor. If they want her back for season three, her winning would be a great starting point in negotiations. It would be easy to convince her that she did such a great job by mentoring the winner that she should come back and try to do it again. People love to win.
As for CRS, it's impossible to know if she'll have success once the show ends. Britney won't be there any more to guide her and walk her through the mine-field that is the music business. Of course, it's quite possible she doesn't need Britney. It's also quite possible that Britney becomes so attached to Carly she offers to help with her debut album (writing, producing, or getting her writers and producers to work with Carly).
So, even with a name that's been butchered by both Mario Lopez and Khloe Kardashian, Carly's shown that she can be the butcher, too. And, really, a Carly Rose by any other name would still crush the competition. Just make sure you spell her name right, X-Factor, when she wins.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Britney 31
Somehow, Britney Spears is 31 (well, will be on Sunday). I'm 32, so I know what it's like to be old. Britney, though, should forever be 20. How is she 31? Either way, I decided to list 31 Britney songs. Not just any Britney songs, but the best 31. I think so, at least.
31. Love Is . . .
30. Autumn Goodbye
29. Strangest Love
28. Do Something
27. Don't Keep Me Waiting
26. Before the Goodbye
25. Anticipating
24. I Got That Boom Boom
23. I Run Away
22. Toy Soldier
21. How I Roll
20. Rockstar
19. Quicksand
18. Shattered Glass
17. Inside Out
16. Amnesia
15. Everyday
14. If You Seek Amy
13. Big Fat Bass
12. I Wanna Go
11. Gimme More
10. Break the Ice
9. Hold it Against Me
8. Circus
7. Womanizer
6. (You Drive Me) Crazy
5. Everytime
4. Till The World Ends
3. Toxic
2. Baby One More Time
1. I'm a Slave 4 U
31. Love Is . . .
30. Autumn Goodbye
29. Strangest Love
28. Do Something
27. Don't Keep Me Waiting
26. Before the Goodbye
25. Anticipating
24. I Got That Boom Boom
23. I Run Away
22. Toy Soldier
21. How I Roll
20. Rockstar
19. Quicksand
18. Shattered Glass
17. Inside Out
16. Amnesia
15. Everyday
14. If You Seek Amy
13. Big Fat Bass
12. I Wanna Go
11. Gimme More
10. Break the Ice
9. Hold it Against Me
8. Circus
7. Womanizer
6. (You Drive Me) Crazy
5. Everytime
4. Till The World Ends
3. Toxic
2. Baby One More Time
1. I'm a Slave 4 U
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Going to the Chapel
There are two things Britney fans are waiting for: a new album and for her to get married to Jason. I don't know if either will happen this year (though I assume they will), but I'm quite confident which one will happen before the other.
Britney has been engaged for nearly a full calendar year. Clearly, she's in no rush to get married. Perhaps she learned from rushing into marriage, as she did with Kevin.
Britney last released an album in March of 2011. Now, she's a TV judge for X-Factor. Clearly, she's in no rush to record an album.
Here's the thing, Britney LOVES being on X-Factor. How do I know? When asked if she'd be back for another season, she said, "Yes, definitely." Not, "Maybe, I'll think about it," or "We'd have to work out a contract first" or "I haven't thought about it yet." No, she said "definitely." Well, this season will end just before Christmas. Next season's auditions will begin in the summer. If she takes a little vacation (and you know she will), that doesn't leave much time for recording.
What it does leave time for, though, is a wedding and a honeymoon. A nice early spring wedding, perhaps. This is why I'm confident she'll get married before she releases a new album.
Do you agree?
Britney has been engaged for nearly a full calendar year. Clearly, she's in no rush to get married. Perhaps she learned from rushing into marriage, as she did with Kevin.
Britney last released an album in March of 2011. Now, she's a TV judge for X-Factor. Clearly, she's in no rush to record an album.
Here's the thing, Britney LOVES being on X-Factor. How do I know? When asked if she'd be back for another season, she said, "Yes, definitely." Not, "Maybe, I'll think about it," or "We'd have to work out a contract first" or "I haven't thought about it yet." No, she said "definitely." Well, this season will end just before Christmas. Next season's auditions will begin in the summer. If she takes a little vacation (and you know she will), that doesn't leave much time for recording.
What it does leave time for, though, is a wedding and a honeymoon. A nice early spring wedding, perhaps. This is why I'm confident she'll get married before she releases a new album.
Do you agree?
Friday, November 16, 2012
Into the Great Bea-yond
The Internet is a funny place. Once created to share ideas, its existence now revolves around sharing nude pictures and insults. It doesn't even matter how old you are, because whether you're 13 or 30 you will get bashed if you say something with which the Internet doesn't agree. Just ask 13-year old Beatrice Miller.
Poor Beatrice made a statement to reporters after Wednesday's performance show about how she disagreed with Britney's song choice. Somehow, that escalated from a simple comment where she disagreed with Britney to her being an ungrateful bitch who trashed Britney. For the record, she has every right to disagree with Britney, since it's her career on the line. Britney's career is already carved in stone.
Regardless, even if she did take a shot at Britney, does that give anyone the right to attack a 13-year old girl? If your argument is that she has a Twitter account and can, therefore, fight back, then you probably believe that it's OK to shoot a 13-year old, so long as the teen has a gun.
How low is your self-esteem that you need to take shots at a 13-year old girl? If your excuse is that she "insulted my queen," do you think "your queen" would be pleased with your actions? I would suggest not and use the fact that Britney defended Beatrice on the show as proof.
Either way, a 13-year old is probably going to blurt things out from time to time. Things she might mean and things she, after thinking it over, might not. This behavior, as wacky as it is, in no way justifies cyber bashing. As shocking as this may be to some people, cyber bashing can effect the recipient of the attack. I know people think they can either get away with it or that it doesn't count because it's just the Internet.
It does count. Insulting someone to their face, putting that insult on Facebook or Twitter, it's all the same. Therefore, it may be best to take stock of your own life before you feel the need to attack a 13-year old. Not only does it make you look bad, in this situation with Beatrice, it makes Britney look bad.
Poor Beatrice made a statement to reporters after Wednesday's performance show about how she disagreed with Britney's song choice. Somehow, that escalated from a simple comment where she disagreed with Britney to her being an ungrateful bitch who trashed Britney. For the record, she has every right to disagree with Britney, since it's her career on the line. Britney's career is already carved in stone.
Regardless, even if she did take a shot at Britney, does that give anyone the right to attack a 13-year old girl? If your argument is that she has a Twitter account and can, therefore, fight back, then you probably believe that it's OK to shoot a 13-year old, so long as the teen has a gun.
How low is your self-esteem that you need to take shots at a 13-year old girl? If your excuse is that she "insulted my queen," do you think "your queen" would be pleased with your actions? I would suggest not and use the fact that Britney defended Beatrice on the show as proof.
Either way, a 13-year old is probably going to blurt things out from time to time. Things she might mean and things she, after thinking it over, might not. This behavior, as wacky as it is, in no way justifies cyber bashing. As shocking as this may be to some people, cyber bashing can effect the recipient of the attack. I know people think they can either get away with it or that it doesn't count because it's just the Internet.
It does count. Insulting someone to their face, putting that insult on Facebook or Twitter, it's all the same. Therefore, it may be best to take stock of your own life before you feel the need to attack a 13-year old. Not only does it make you look bad, in this situation with Beatrice, it makes Britney look bad.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Battle of the Pop Star Judges
After a couple weeks on X-Factor, Demi Lovato's young adults have struggled. Britney Spears' teens, meanwhile, have flourished. In a battle of the pop star judges, Britney is far ahead on points. Demi's 20-somethings need to step up.
Part of Demi's group's lack of success can be attributed to Demi herself. She dyed Cece Frey's hair blonde and shaved some of Paige Thomas' hair off. She hasn't done much to Jennell Garcia; coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally), Jennell has been the best one on her team. Of course, part of the blame has to fall on the girls themselves.
Meanwhile, Britney's kept things fairly simple for her team. No hair color changes, no hair style changes; the only oddity about Britney's team may be the clothing Beatrice Miller wears. Though, to be honest, those choices may be her own and have nothing to do with Britney. Of course, it helps when you have talent to fall back on, as Britney's team does.
There's no guarantee that had Demi kept things simple like Britney that her team would be fairing any better. There's also no guarantee that had Britney changed things up that her team would be doing poorly. It may just be that X-Factor producers gave Britney the more talented group. Regardless, Demi hasn't helped herself.
Last night, all three of her charges struggled. You would think three young adults would dominate "Diva Week" and the young teens would falter. It ended up the opposite. Other than Arin Ray, all of Britney's girls ranged from good to great. Demi's girls ranged from bad to worse.
I think the teens are fortunate to have Britney as their mentor, not because she's a music legend or because she has name value. They're fortunate because she'll defend them like she defended Beatrice last night. When Simon dared to question the song choice (not necessarily the performance), Britney quickly jumped in by pointing out that Beatrice had more talent in her pinky than all of Simon's teams. I guess Simon learned that when you poke the (mama) bear, you get the claws. I'm not quite sure that Demi or L.A. would have come back like that.
It reminded me of the scene in "The Blind Side" when the coach stood up for Michael Oher. After that, Oher played like a beast. I can see Beatrice giving even more now wanting to prove Britney right. I kinda see her teens looking to Britney, not as a singer, but as a mythical creature, someone you just read about but never get to experience.
For Demi, she's probably just another singer to her group - no different than Miley, Selena, Ke$ha or Katy Perry. There's no aura around her, no halo over her head. You wonder if her group tries hard for her, themselves or no one. I think Britney's teens honestly want to win for Britney more than even themselves.
Regardless of who sings for whom, Demi's group need to turn it up a notch. Otherwise, Britney's teens will be all alone against Simon and L.A.
Part of Demi's group's lack of success can be attributed to Demi herself. She dyed Cece Frey's hair blonde and shaved some of Paige Thomas' hair off. She hasn't done much to Jennell Garcia; coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally), Jennell has been the best one on her team. Of course, part of the blame has to fall on the girls themselves.
Meanwhile, Britney's kept things fairly simple for her team. No hair color changes, no hair style changes; the only oddity about Britney's team may be the clothing Beatrice Miller wears. Though, to be honest, those choices may be her own and have nothing to do with Britney. Of course, it helps when you have talent to fall back on, as Britney's team does.
There's no guarantee that had Demi kept things simple like Britney that her team would be fairing any better. There's also no guarantee that had Britney changed things up that her team would be doing poorly. It may just be that X-Factor producers gave Britney the more talented group. Regardless, Demi hasn't helped herself.
Last night, all three of her charges struggled. You would think three young adults would dominate "Diva Week" and the young teens would falter. It ended up the opposite. Other than Arin Ray, all of Britney's girls ranged from good to great. Demi's girls ranged from bad to worse.
I think the teens are fortunate to have Britney as their mentor, not because she's a music legend or because she has name value. They're fortunate because she'll defend them like she defended Beatrice last night. When Simon dared to question the song choice (not necessarily the performance), Britney quickly jumped in by pointing out that Beatrice had more talent in her pinky than all of Simon's teams. I guess Simon learned that when you poke the (mama) bear, you get the claws. I'm not quite sure that Demi or L.A. would have come back like that.
It reminded me of the scene in "The Blind Side" when the coach stood up for Michael Oher. After that, Oher played like a beast. I can see Beatrice giving even more now wanting to prove Britney right. I kinda see her teens looking to Britney, not as a singer, but as a mythical creature, someone you just read about but never get to experience.
For Demi, she's probably just another singer to her group - no different than Miley, Selena, Ke$ha or Katy Perry. There's no aura around her, no halo over her head. You wonder if her group tries hard for her, themselves or no one. I think Britney's teens honestly want to win for Britney more than even themselves.
Regardless of who sings for whom, Demi's group need to turn it up a notch. Otherwise, Britney's teens will be all alone against Simon and L.A.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Vote 4 Britney
Ladies, gentlemen, and my fellow Americans,
Tonight is the start of a new dawn, as season 2 of X-Factor gets underway for real. Tonight is fan voting.
Now, you may be tempted to vote for one of Demi Lovato's young adults, one of Simon Cowell's groups or even one of L.A. Reid's over 25s, but I implore you to put down that phone. This is an important vote and you need all that facts.
Can you really trust Demi? Can you trust someone whose hairstyle changes daily, someone whose hair color goes from blond to brunette seemingly every hour? Can you trust someone with eyebrows that cover half her forehead? What is she hiding? Those tattoos, "Stay" and "Strong," what do they REALLY mean? You need to ask yourself what a vote for Demi would do to this country.
What about Simon? Is it really fair that Simon has 11 people on his team? Everyone else has four, but he has 11. Can you trust someone who needs three times as many people as everyone else? And what about those shirts that don't seem to cover everything? People haven't seen this much chest hair since the 1970s. Ask yourself this: what do Simon and his 11 performers do behind closed doors?
Finally, we have L.A. Sure, he looks innocent, but remember this: he has no hair. Do you know where it went, because I don't. Why did it leave? Isn't it interesting we never found out. What did L.A. do that was so terrible it made his hair up and leave his head? Is that the kind of man you want as your X-Factor champion?
People, it's clear there's only one person you can trust with your vote. Well, technically three: Carly, Beatrice and Arin. A vote for Britney isn't just a vote for Britney. It's a vote for all teens. Remember, you either are a teen, were a teen or will be a teen. If you vote against them it's like voting against yourself. Would you really vote against yourself?
Look at Britney - her bangs are so perfect that Carly Rae Jepsen calls her for hair advice, her legs so immaculate that Carrie Underwood asks for personal training tips, and her composure so polished that the Duchess herself calls for etiquette lessons.
America, a vote for Britney is a vote for yourself. Therefore, when you pick up the phone tonight, don't vote for Simon, Demi or L.A. Vote for Britney. Vote for you.
Tonight is the start of a new dawn, as season 2 of X-Factor gets underway for real. Tonight is fan voting.
Now, you may be tempted to vote for one of Demi Lovato's young adults, one of Simon Cowell's groups or even one of L.A. Reid's over 25s, but I implore you to put down that phone. This is an important vote and you need all that facts.
Can you really trust Demi? Can you trust someone whose hairstyle changes daily, someone whose hair color goes from blond to brunette seemingly every hour? Can you trust someone with eyebrows that cover half her forehead? What is she hiding? Those tattoos, "Stay" and "Strong," what do they REALLY mean? You need to ask yourself what a vote for Demi would do to this country.
What about Simon? Is it really fair that Simon has 11 people on his team? Everyone else has four, but he has 11. Can you trust someone who needs three times as many people as everyone else? And what about those shirts that don't seem to cover everything? People haven't seen this much chest hair since the 1970s. Ask yourself this: what do Simon and his 11 performers do behind closed doors?
Finally, we have L.A. Sure, he looks innocent, but remember this: he has no hair. Do you know where it went, because I don't. Why did it leave? Isn't it interesting we never found out. What did L.A. do that was so terrible it made his hair up and leave his head? Is that the kind of man you want as your X-Factor champion?
People, it's clear there's only one person you can trust with your vote. Well, technically three: Carly, Beatrice and Arin. A vote for Britney isn't just a vote for Britney. It's a vote for all teens. Remember, you either are a teen, were a teen or will be a teen. If you vote against them it's like voting against yourself. Would you really vote against yourself?
Look at Britney - her bangs are so perfect that Carly Rae Jepsen calls her for hair advice, her legs so immaculate that Carrie Underwood asks for personal training tips, and her composure so polished that the Duchess herself calls for etiquette lessons.
America, a vote for Britney is a vote for yourself. Therefore, when you pick up the phone tonight, don't vote for Simon, Demi or L.A. Vote for Britney. Vote for you.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Britney's Album Catalog
Here are Britney's albums, ranked from worst to best, in my opinion. Standard album only, no bonus tracks included.
7. "Oops! . . . I Did it Again" - No iconic songs hurt an otherwise solid from top to bottom album (minus the wretched "Dear Diary"). Probably the album that showcased her voice best, before she became commercial (I mean, more than she already was).
6. "...Baby One More Time" - One all-time classic (the title track) and one other really good song (Crazy), plus a lot of filler make for a good enough debut. Nowhere near as good as the rest of her catalog. Plus, "E-Mail My Heart" is one of the worst songs ever recorded. Also, what is "Soda Pop" even about?
5. "Britney" - Thanks to "I'm A Slave 4 U" Britney got real sexy, real quick. It also looked like she was gonna start writing a ton more songs (oops, I guess not). It would have been better without the cheesy "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" or the cliched "Overprotected."
4. "Circus" - Britney's return to a traditional pop album after the experimental "Blackout," "Circus" has a few teary ballads (including one about her kids). Chock full of good songs - "Womanizer," "If U Seek Amy" and "Circus" - the album was Britney's alleged comeback. It does suffer from some weirdness like "Mannequin" and "Mmm Papi."
3. "In the Zone" - This album features the song that put Britney back on the map - "Toxic." After a dispute with Clear Channel, Britney needed a big radio hit and she got it. "In the Zone" also features Madonna, though it's basically a weak track. Best part of the album: Britney wrote a top 20 hit in "Everytime."
2. "Blackout" - Argued by many to be the greatest Britney album ever, it suffers from a few mistakes, namely concerning the amount of work Britney actually did for the album. Regardless, this album is loaded with great songs, from "Gimme More" to "Toy Soldier." It's a non-stop dance party until you get to the last song, "Why Should I Be Sad?" Of course, this was the start of auto-tune overload.
1. "Femme Fatale" - This album features a murder's row of hits: "Till the World Ends," "Hold it Against Me," "Inside Out," "I Wanna Go," and "How I Roll." And those are just the first five songs. Two missteps include "(Drop Dead) Beautiful" and "Seal it With a Kiss." Other than that, you could put this album on and no one would complain.
Agree/disagree?
7. "Oops! . . . I Did it Again" - No iconic songs hurt an otherwise solid from top to bottom album (minus the wretched "Dear Diary"). Probably the album that showcased her voice best, before she became commercial (I mean, more than she already was).
6. "...Baby One More Time" - One all-time classic (the title track) and one other really good song (Crazy), plus a lot of filler make for a good enough debut. Nowhere near as good as the rest of her catalog. Plus, "E-Mail My Heart" is one of the worst songs ever recorded. Also, what is "Soda Pop" even about?
5. "Britney" - Thanks to "I'm A Slave 4 U" Britney got real sexy, real quick. It also looked like she was gonna start writing a ton more songs (oops, I guess not). It would have been better without the cheesy "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" or the cliched "Overprotected."
4. "Circus" - Britney's return to a traditional pop album after the experimental "Blackout," "Circus" has a few teary ballads (including one about her kids). Chock full of good songs - "Womanizer," "If U Seek Amy" and "Circus" - the album was Britney's alleged comeback. It does suffer from some weirdness like "Mannequin" and "Mmm Papi."
3. "In the Zone" - This album features the song that put Britney back on the map - "Toxic." After a dispute with Clear Channel, Britney needed a big radio hit and she got it. "In the Zone" also features Madonna, though it's basically a weak track. Best part of the album: Britney wrote a top 20 hit in "Everytime."
2. "Blackout" - Argued by many to be the greatest Britney album ever, it suffers from a few mistakes, namely concerning the amount of work Britney actually did for the album. Regardless, this album is loaded with great songs, from "Gimme More" to "Toy Soldier." It's a non-stop dance party until you get to the last song, "Why Should I Be Sad?" Of course, this was the start of auto-tune overload.
1. "Femme Fatale" - This album features a murder's row of hits: "Till the World Ends," "Hold it Against Me," "Inside Out," "I Wanna Go," and "How I Roll." And those are just the first five songs. Two missteps include "(Drop Dead) Beautiful" and "Seal it With a Kiss." Other than that, you could put this album on and no one would complain.
Agree/disagree?
Friday, October 19, 2012
I Love You So Much I'm Gonna Sue Your Family
There are many ways to express your love for a girl: flowers, chocolates, a poem, a song, or just saying "I love you." If you're Sam Lutfi, though, the best way to express your love for a woman is to sue her and her family and drag her name through the mud. Such a romantic, that guy.
In his opening statement, Sam's lawyer claimed that his client cared for Britney and was trying to help her back in 2007. After that selfless act, he was verbally assaulted and abused by Britney's family. So much so that his once sparkling reputation is now and forever unclean.
Once you've stopped laughing, think about this: he cared about Britney so much that he reportedly, according to his lawyer, wouldn't be her manager if she remained on drugs. Supposedly, Britney was so fucked up at the time, he said he'd only be her manager if she got clean. Then, six months later, she supposedly overdosed on some medication and had to be carted away to the hospital. Apparently, at least according to Sam's lawyer, she never got clean. Yet, even though his lawyer said he wouldn't be her manager if she kept using, he's demanding to be paid for managerial duties, all the while the lawyer claimed she kept using.
To summarize, Sam wants to be paid for his work as her manager during a time Britney was supposedly addicted to drugs, even after saying he wouldn't manage her if she was addicted to drugs. Make sense?
It's very confusing, especially when you consider how much Sam supposedly cares for Britney. Cares enough to sue her and her family.
This whole case seems like a slam dunk for Team Britney. 1) If she was fucked up, she couldn't have been mentally competent to hire anyone to be her manager, 2) With Sam saying he wouldn't manage her if she was fucked up, then the lawyer saying she overdosed six months later, it proves that either Sam is a liar and he didn't care if she was fucked up or he was never her manager, and 3) There are enough restraining orders against Sam to show that his character was already irrevocably damaged before Britney's mom trashed him in her book.
Strangely, according to TMZ, Britney's defense team said in its opening statement that Britney was messed up because of her breakup with Justin Timberlake. What? Something that happened in 2002 caused Britney to go off the deep end in 2007?
I'm not a lawyer, but in what universe does that make any sense? With all the info out there about Sam being a douchebag, not to mention the contradictory statements, why would they choose to start with her breakup to JT?
I don't know what's worse: Sam caring enough about Britney to sue her or her defense team bringing up a breakup that happened 10 years ago?
Thankfully, Britney can focus on X-Factor and music. The only hope for the rest of us is that this trial wraps up quickly.
In his opening statement, Sam's lawyer claimed that his client cared for Britney and was trying to help her back in 2007. After that selfless act, he was verbally assaulted and abused by Britney's family. So much so that his once sparkling reputation is now and forever unclean.
Once you've stopped laughing, think about this: he cared about Britney so much that he reportedly, according to his lawyer, wouldn't be her manager if she remained on drugs. Supposedly, Britney was so fucked up at the time, he said he'd only be her manager if she got clean. Then, six months later, she supposedly overdosed on some medication and had to be carted away to the hospital. Apparently, at least according to Sam's lawyer, she never got clean. Yet, even though his lawyer said he wouldn't be her manager if she kept using, he's demanding to be paid for managerial duties, all the while the lawyer claimed she kept using.
To summarize, Sam wants to be paid for his work as her manager during a time Britney was supposedly addicted to drugs, even after saying he wouldn't manage her if she was addicted to drugs. Make sense?
It's very confusing, especially when you consider how much Sam supposedly cares for Britney. Cares enough to sue her and her family.
This whole case seems like a slam dunk for Team Britney. 1) If she was fucked up, she couldn't have been mentally competent to hire anyone to be her manager, 2) With Sam saying he wouldn't manage her if she was fucked up, then the lawyer saying she overdosed six months later, it proves that either Sam is a liar and he didn't care if she was fucked up or he was never her manager, and 3) There are enough restraining orders against Sam to show that his character was already irrevocably damaged before Britney's mom trashed him in her book.
Strangely, according to TMZ, Britney's defense team said in its opening statement that Britney was messed up because of her breakup with Justin Timberlake. What? Something that happened in 2002 caused Britney to go off the deep end in 2007?
I'm not a lawyer, but in what universe does that make any sense? With all the info out there about Sam being a douchebag, not to mention the contradictory statements, why would they choose to start with her breakup to JT?
I don't know what's worse: Sam caring enough about Britney to sue her or her defense team bringing up a breakup that happened 10 years ago?
Thankfully, Britney can focus on X-Factor and music. The only hope for the rest of us is that this trial wraps up quickly.
Friday, October 12, 2012
The Numbers Don't Lie
I love Britney Spears. Anyone who knows me knows that. Which is why it's so disheartening to say that, as of now, X-Factor wasted its $15M on her.
Although the shows have been entertaining, Britney just hasn't brought in the viewers. The first two shows saw less than nine million people tune in. Even with all the hype and promo, The Voice beat out X-Factor's big debut. From there, the numbers got better, but only the fourth show reached 10 million viewers.
The Wednesday shows routinely do better ratings with the second hour always higher than the first. Unfortunately, you can't say the show is growing its audience because this Wednesday's show was only the fourth most watched. In fact, Thursday show, featuring Britney's and LA Reid's teams will be one of the least watched (once final numbers come in; preliminary numbers have the show as the least watched, but they could trend upward slightly).
Paying Britney $15M to get the same ratings as Survivor seems ridiculous when you realize that no one on Survivor makes anywhere near that kind of money. There's no chance Britney comes back for a second season unless the live shows see a major ratings increase.
I know there is a lot of competition - Modern Family, Survivor, Big Bang Theory - but that competition existed last year and X-Factor did as well or even better.
Other than saying how awesome Britney's been as a judge, it's hard to spin it to make it look like she's been worth the money. Doesn't it seem like Simon Cowell could have kept Paula Abdul or Nicole Scherzinger, brought in Demi Lovato, and still be doing the same ratings. There'd be less buzz, sure, but buzz hasn't lead to viewers. I know there's been lots of talk on social media about the show, but people talk on social media about Idol and that show didn't fare so well last season.
Obviously, this won't affect Britney's career. She'll still be in demand. It's just disheartening to see that maybe she's not quite as popular as she used to be.
Fortunately, we haven't reached the live shows yet. There's a chance people are merely waiting until then to turn in. Maybe people want to see Britney unedited. It's possible that the numbers could see a big climb when the show goes live in a few weeks. I hope so. Britney's good. So is Demi.
In life it's about quality over quantity. Unfortunately, in business it's mostly about quantity. Not, how good is your product, but, how many people are buying it. We need more buyers for X-Factor. It's actually a pretty good product.
Although the shows have been entertaining, Britney just hasn't brought in the viewers. The first two shows saw less than nine million people tune in. Even with all the hype and promo, The Voice beat out X-Factor's big debut. From there, the numbers got better, but only the fourth show reached 10 million viewers.
The Wednesday shows routinely do better ratings with the second hour always higher than the first. Unfortunately, you can't say the show is growing its audience because this Wednesday's show was only the fourth most watched. In fact, Thursday show, featuring Britney's and LA Reid's teams will be one of the least watched (once final numbers come in; preliminary numbers have the show as the least watched, but they could trend upward slightly).
Paying Britney $15M to get the same ratings as Survivor seems ridiculous when you realize that no one on Survivor makes anywhere near that kind of money. There's no chance Britney comes back for a second season unless the live shows see a major ratings increase.
I know there is a lot of competition - Modern Family, Survivor, Big Bang Theory - but that competition existed last year and X-Factor did as well or even better.
Other than saying how awesome Britney's been as a judge, it's hard to spin it to make it look like she's been worth the money. Doesn't it seem like Simon Cowell could have kept Paula Abdul or Nicole Scherzinger, brought in Demi Lovato, and still be doing the same ratings. There'd be less buzz, sure, but buzz hasn't lead to viewers. I know there's been lots of talk on social media about the show, but people talk on social media about Idol and that show didn't fare so well last season.
Obviously, this won't affect Britney's career. She'll still be in demand. It's just disheartening to see that maybe she's not quite as popular as she used to be.
Fortunately, we haven't reached the live shows yet. There's a chance people are merely waiting until then to turn in. Maybe people want to see Britney unedited. It's possible that the numbers could see a big climb when the show goes live in a few weeks. I hope so. Britney's good. So is Demi.
In life it's about quality over quantity. Unfortunately, in business it's mostly about quantity. Not, how good is your product, but, how many people are buying it. We need more buyers for X-Factor. It's actually a pretty good product.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan
Dear Lindsay,
You seem like a really nice girl. I don't know you, but you seem sweet. You're not perfect, obviously, but I can tell you're doing your best.
That's why it's so hard to watch you constantly get into trouble. If it's not drugs, it's alcohol or stealing or fighting with your parents. It's always something. Some guy allegedly beats you up. Some random dude who somehow found his way into your hotel room supposedly assaulted you. That's not good.
You would have us believe the world is against you. Somehow God has conspired to make your life miserable. That's probably not true, if we're being honest. Truthfully, you probably bring this stuff on yourself by making poor life choices.
OK, let's say that you don't drink or do drugs any more. Great. But you manage to find yourself at places where alcohol and drugs are prevalent. Not great. Also not great: your crazy parents. Neither seems to be employed, unless you count making money off you as a job. Not only that, but they seem to know next to nothing about parenting.
You need to break the cycle. Far be it from me to tell you what to do. But here's some suggestions:
1. Avoid places where people drink. Drinkers tend to turn to drunks. Drunks are bad for someone like yourself who's on the wagon.
2. Avoid people who use drugs. Those people will eventually try to get you to use drugs. That would be a bad idea. Don't try to get them to stop using drugs, because that won't work. Just remove yourself from their life.
3. Move far away from your parents and never speak to them. They're allegedly grown-ups, so let them fend for themselves. They're nothing but bad news.
4. Nothing good happens after midnight, so stay in. Unless you need to have Taco Bell at 12:30 a.m. there's no reason to be out that late. And you don't need Taco Bell at 12:30 a..m. (trust me).
5. Shorten your list of friends by half. When you're famous you don't just have friends, you also have friends of friends of friends of friends. Everyone knows someone that knows someone that knows you. You need to reduce that number. Since you can't cut out the friends of friends, you need to cut out the friends. Demi Lovato just said she did a friends cleanse. You should, too.
I'm no expert, not a doctor, but this is just some friendly advice. You've made some pretty good movies. Mean Girls is great. Freaky Friday is really good. Herbie the Love Bug is better than it should be. I liked Just My Luck better than everyone else. But you can't make these movies if you're always the lead story on TMZ. You know who will make those movies: Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence and Rachel McAdams. Women who aren't the lead story on TMZ.
In summation: you're awesome - beautiful, talented, a hard worker (when you're not in court) - so it hurts to see you always in trouble. Stay out of trouble and take those roles back from Emma, Jennifer and Rachel. Get some money, don't give it to your parents (or hangers-on), and live a long, successful, happy life.
You deserve it.
You seem like a really nice girl. I don't know you, but you seem sweet. You're not perfect, obviously, but I can tell you're doing your best.
That's why it's so hard to watch you constantly get into trouble. If it's not drugs, it's alcohol or stealing or fighting with your parents. It's always something. Some guy allegedly beats you up. Some random dude who somehow found his way into your hotel room supposedly assaulted you. That's not good.
You would have us believe the world is against you. Somehow God has conspired to make your life miserable. That's probably not true, if we're being honest. Truthfully, you probably bring this stuff on yourself by making poor life choices.
OK, let's say that you don't drink or do drugs any more. Great. But you manage to find yourself at places where alcohol and drugs are prevalent. Not great. Also not great: your crazy parents. Neither seems to be employed, unless you count making money off you as a job. Not only that, but they seem to know next to nothing about parenting.
You need to break the cycle. Far be it from me to tell you what to do. But here's some suggestions:
1. Avoid places where people drink. Drinkers tend to turn to drunks. Drunks are bad for someone like yourself who's on the wagon.
2. Avoid people who use drugs. Those people will eventually try to get you to use drugs. That would be a bad idea. Don't try to get them to stop using drugs, because that won't work. Just remove yourself from their life.
3. Move far away from your parents and never speak to them. They're allegedly grown-ups, so let them fend for themselves. They're nothing but bad news.
4. Nothing good happens after midnight, so stay in. Unless you need to have Taco Bell at 12:30 a.m. there's no reason to be out that late. And you don't need Taco Bell at 12:30 a..m. (trust me).
5. Shorten your list of friends by half. When you're famous you don't just have friends, you also have friends of friends of friends of friends. Everyone knows someone that knows someone that knows you. You need to reduce that number. Since you can't cut out the friends of friends, you need to cut out the friends. Demi Lovato just said she did a friends cleanse. You should, too.
I'm no expert, not a doctor, but this is just some friendly advice. You've made some pretty good movies. Mean Girls is great. Freaky Friday is really good. Herbie the Love Bug is better than it should be. I liked Just My Luck better than everyone else. But you can't make these movies if you're always the lead story on TMZ. You know who will make those movies: Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence and Rachel McAdams. Women who aren't the lead story on TMZ.
In summation: you're awesome - beautiful, talented, a hard worker (when you're not in court) - so it hurts to see you always in trouble. Stay out of trouble and take those roles back from Emma, Jennifer and Rachel. Get some money, don't give it to your parents (or hangers-on), and live a long, successful, happy life.
You deserve it.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Britney-ing the Witness
There's a rumor going around, probably perpetuated by Sam Lutfi's defense team, that Britney's not testifying because she would defend Sam on the stand (even though the judge says it would cause Britney irrevocable harm to testify).
There are probably some people who buy that, some who think Sam is a good guy and didn't do anything bad to Britney. It just doesn't matter. Sam is suing the Spears family (Jamie and Lynne, but mostly Lynne for the book she wrote in 2008*) for defamation of character and causing irreparable damage to his reputation, plus breach of contract. The problem is, how can you defame a character that's already been dragged through the mud?
If Britney were to take the stand, what could she say other than, "Sam never did those things my mother alleged in her book." If she says that, then clearly the Spears' lawyers would ask her who did, forcing her to admit that she did it all to herself. Except, she wouldn't throw herself under the bus like that. She can't say her parents did it, because they were never there. Basically, if she testified and didn't want to testify against Sam she wouldn't be able to say anything.
It seems that Sam won't win in court, so he's aiming for a win with the public by making it look like Britney's team won't allow her to testify, not because it would do her harm, but because it would prove that Sam is not guilty of what Lynne alleges he's done.
Of course, it's quite possible that Lynne did exaggerate some of the things she wrote. Even if she did, how can she do more harm to Sam's character or reputation than he's already (allegedly) done to himself. How many stories have we heard over the years and restraining orders read? It would seem his character has been quite damaged already, well before Lynne even met him.
I'm not a lawyer, but wouldn't;t this backlog of evidence point to him being the kind of guy who would drug Britney and take her phones away? The Spears' lawyers wouldn't have to prove he did those things, just that he was capable of it. Truthfully, either he drugged Britney or she drugged herself. Lynne says he did it, and if her lawyers can prove he's that kind of guy, then I don't see how Sam can argue his character was defamed or reputation damaged.
Curiously, I don't remember Sam ever suing any of those other people who said all those nasty things about him. Oh, wait, they don't have Spears money. Obviously, if you're poor, you can call Sam any name you want. Get some money, and he'll come after you. Oops, I think I insinuated he's a gold digger. He might sue me for defamation. Actually, I have no money. Never mind.
*Here's the saddest thing: that book turned Lynne Spears into Dina Lohan, a woman trying to make money off her daughter's downfall. Had that book never been written, this situation probably wouldn't exist. While she's sitting in court and Sam's lawyers are reading excerpts, I hope she feels guilty.
There are probably some people who buy that, some who think Sam is a good guy and didn't do anything bad to Britney. It just doesn't matter. Sam is suing the Spears family (Jamie and Lynne, but mostly Lynne for the book she wrote in 2008*) for defamation of character and causing irreparable damage to his reputation, plus breach of contract. The problem is, how can you defame a character that's already been dragged through the mud?
If Britney were to take the stand, what could she say other than, "Sam never did those things my mother alleged in her book." If she says that, then clearly the Spears' lawyers would ask her who did, forcing her to admit that she did it all to herself. Except, she wouldn't throw herself under the bus like that. She can't say her parents did it, because they were never there. Basically, if she testified and didn't want to testify against Sam she wouldn't be able to say anything.
It seems that Sam won't win in court, so he's aiming for a win with the public by making it look like Britney's team won't allow her to testify, not because it would do her harm, but because it would prove that Sam is not guilty of what Lynne alleges he's done.
Of course, it's quite possible that Lynne did exaggerate some of the things she wrote. Even if she did, how can she do more harm to Sam's character or reputation than he's already (allegedly) done to himself. How many stories have we heard over the years and restraining orders read? It would seem his character has been quite damaged already, well before Lynne even met him.
I'm not a lawyer, but wouldn't;t this backlog of evidence point to him being the kind of guy who would drug Britney and take her phones away? The Spears' lawyers wouldn't have to prove he did those things, just that he was capable of it. Truthfully, either he drugged Britney or she drugged herself. Lynne says he did it, and if her lawyers can prove he's that kind of guy, then I don't see how Sam can argue his character was defamed or reputation damaged.
Curiously, I don't remember Sam ever suing any of those other people who said all those nasty things about him. Oh, wait, they don't have Spears money. Obviously, if you're poor, you can call Sam any name you want. Get some money, and he'll come after you. Oops, I think I insinuated he's a gold digger. He might sue me for defamation. Actually, I have no money. Never mind.
*Here's the saddest thing: that book turned Lynne Spears into Dina Lohan, a woman trying to make money off her daughter's downfall. Had that book never been written, this situation probably wouldn't exist. While she's sitting in court and Sam's lawyers are reading excerpts, I hope she feels guilty.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Pennies From Heaven
Three shows in and X-Factor has shown us one thing: Britney Spears was worth every penny. Clearly, no one knows whether the show will produce the kind of ratings that will make Fox and Simon Cowell happy. But if they don't, it ain't Britney's fault.
I don't know what kind of numbers the show would have to do to justify paying Britney upwards of $15M, but for pure entertainment value, the show could have paid her twice as much. In fact, her facial expressions alone are worth $15M.
If you've watched any of the first three episodes of the show, you know X-Factor has featured Britney prominently (she even got her own montage where she rejected contestant after contestant). They paid $15M or so, therefore, building the show around her makes sense. Thankfully, it's pad off. Britney has been, for me at least, the most enjoyable part of X-Factor. Not to take anything away from the actual talent (or Demi Lovato, Simon or L.A. Reid), but Britney makes that show. And she doesn't even have to say anything to do it.
Not even counting episode three where she sang happy birthday, she's given us a plethora of must see moments. From recoiling in horror during a terrible audition, to her open-mouthed laugh whenever a contestant says something particularly funny, she's shown that you don't need words to express how you feel about a performance. She's given us bored, excited, confused, surprised, OMG!, a couple "I'm not here for this," and I even think I saw some side-eye.
Maybe the show's ratings won't rebound enough to warrant bringing back Britney for $15M, but it'll be X-Factor's loss. Britney said she suffered panic attacks her first show, so imagine the kind of facial expressions we could have gotten if she was comfortable from day one.
Trust me, you could run the show on mute and not miss a thing.
I don't know what kind of numbers the show would have to do to justify paying Britney upwards of $15M, but for pure entertainment value, the show could have paid her twice as much. In fact, her facial expressions alone are worth $15M.
If you've watched any of the first three episodes of the show, you know X-Factor has featured Britney prominently (she even got her own montage where she rejected contestant after contestant). They paid $15M or so, therefore, building the show around her makes sense. Thankfully, it's pad off. Britney has been, for me at least, the most enjoyable part of X-Factor. Not to take anything away from the actual talent (or Demi Lovato, Simon or L.A. Reid), but Britney makes that show. And she doesn't even have to say anything to do it.
Not even counting episode three where she sang happy birthday, she's given us a plethora of must see moments. From recoiling in horror during a terrible audition, to her open-mouthed laugh whenever a contestant says something particularly funny, she's shown that you don't need words to express how you feel about a performance. She's given us bored, excited, confused, surprised, OMG!, a couple "I'm not here for this," and I even think I saw some side-eye.
Maybe the show's ratings won't rebound enough to warrant bringing back Britney for $15M, but it'll be X-Factor's loss. Britney said she suffered panic attacks her first show, so imagine the kind of facial expressions we could have gotten if she was comfortable from day one.
Trust me, you could run the show on mute and not miss a thing.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
32 Steps
There are 32 steps to your front porch. A dilapidated, run-down, piece of shit porch that I crossed every day to get to your door. Amazingly, the front door looked pristine. Then again, anything would compared to that god-awful porch. I think your dad kept it that way on purpose to make the rest of the house look better by comparison. "Hey, this porch looks like shit, but the house is beautiful."
I've turned that doorknob so many times the creak is burned into my brain. Actually, it sounded more like a creeeeeeeak, longer than your average creak. Yet, somehow, the door opened silently as if someone oiled the hinges every day. Maybe you did. You always were meticulous about that sort of thing. I can picture you with an oil can, standing on a chair so you can reach the top hinge, squiring just enough oil so the door doesn't make a sound when it's opened.
Today, I won't be walking the 32 steps to that hideous front porch, I won't be turning that creeeeeeaky doorknob, and I won't be hearing the silence as I push the door open. Oh, wait a minute, you can't hear silence. You only reminded me of that approximately a million times. "Every time I open that door all I hear is silence." "You can't hear silence, silly," you'd say. "If you could hear it, it wouldn't be silent."
As I remember you telling me not to be ridiculous, I brush some dirt off the stone and find a long blond hair almost floating on the granite surface. It's not yours obviously. You lost your hair months ago. Sadly, it takes pictures nowadays to remind me what you looked like with hair. It was blond, definitely, and long, too. Usually straight, and kind of boring, to be honest. No offense.
Holding the hair between my fingertips I twirl it around and realize it could belong to anyone - your mom, sister, a friend. There were a lot of blonds in your family. I remember your mom once coming home with dark hair, "you know, like that Kardashian girl." Thankfully that phase didn't last. You never changed, though, until you had no choice.
Standing in the, I don't know what you call it, a wig store I guess, you tried on so many different ones. No matter the color, style or length, you never looked like you. Eventually, you quit trying. You were bald. You had a nicely shaped head, so it worked for you. You asked me if I had a problem being with a bald woman; I said no way. "Hair is overrated."
You were born in a month with 31 days and you have 31 letters in your full name. That's how I remember the 32 steps. Leslie-Anne Christina Beckenbrauer. What a fucking mouthful. Born October 25, 1982, your mom said you came out halfway, then stopped. Which is funny, because you never did anything halfway. You had blue eyes and more hair than the last time I saw you. Unfortunately, for all the things you mastered, growing wasn't one of them. You peaked at 5'1 with boobs only slightly larger than mine. That boob job you claimed to want never happened, thank God. No one likes fake boobs.
Since this wasn't a crime scene, I let the hair fall from my fingers. The wind picked it up and carried it away. I didn't even watch it leave.
Now that I think about it, I didn't watch a lot of things. I mostly watched you. I even watched you sleep. Is that creepy? I figured if Edward could watch Bella sleep, why can't I watch you? Besides, in my defense you slept a lot. I watched your little chest rise and fall. Actually, putting it that way does make it sound creepy. Let me rephrase: I watched your grown up, legal chest rise and fall. Sometimes I'd get close enough to feel you breathe. I'd open my mouth so you'd breathe into me. I'd breathe myself into you.
All that life I breathed into you did no good. But I took some of yours and I'm keeping it. If that's selfish, sue me. You can't have it back. You don't need it where you are, anyway.
There are 32 steps to your front porch. I'll never forget that.
I've turned that doorknob so many times the creak is burned into my brain. Actually, it sounded more like a creeeeeeeak, longer than your average creak. Yet, somehow, the door opened silently as if someone oiled the hinges every day. Maybe you did. You always were meticulous about that sort of thing. I can picture you with an oil can, standing on a chair so you can reach the top hinge, squiring just enough oil so the door doesn't make a sound when it's opened.
Today, I won't be walking the 32 steps to that hideous front porch, I won't be turning that creeeeeeaky doorknob, and I won't be hearing the silence as I push the door open. Oh, wait a minute, you can't hear silence. You only reminded me of that approximately a million times. "Every time I open that door all I hear is silence." "You can't hear silence, silly," you'd say. "If you could hear it, it wouldn't be silent."
As I remember you telling me not to be ridiculous, I brush some dirt off the stone and find a long blond hair almost floating on the granite surface. It's not yours obviously. You lost your hair months ago. Sadly, it takes pictures nowadays to remind me what you looked like with hair. It was blond, definitely, and long, too. Usually straight, and kind of boring, to be honest. No offense.
Holding the hair between my fingertips I twirl it around and realize it could belong to anyone - your mom, sister, a friend. There were a lot of blonds in your family. I remember your mom once coming home with dark hair, "you know, like that Kardashian girl." Thankfully that phase didn't last. You never changed, though, until you had no choice.
Standing in the, I don't know what you call it, a wig store I guess, you tried on so many different ones. No matter the color, style or length, you never looked like you. Eventually, you quit trying. You were bald. You had a nicely shaped head, so it worked for you. You asked me if I had a problem being with a bald woman; I said no way. "Hair is overrated."
You were born in a month with 31 days and you have 31 letters in your full name. That's how I remember the 32 steps. Leslie-Anne Christina Beckenbrauer. What a fucking mouthful. Born October 25, 1982, your mom said you came out halfway, then stopped. Which is funny, because you never did anything halfway. You had blue eyes and more hair than the last time I saw you. Unfortunately, for all the things you mastered, growing wasn't one of them. You peaked at 5'1 with boobs only slightly larger than mine. That boob job you claimed to want never happened, thank God. No one likes fake boobs.
Since this wasn't a crime scene, I let the hair fall from my fingers. The wind picked it up and carried it away. I didn't even watch it leave.
Now that I think about it, I didn't watch a lot of things. I mostly watched you. I even watched you sleep. Is that creepy? I figured if Edward could watch Bella sleep, why can't I watch you? Besides, in my defense you slept a lot. I watched your little chest rise and fall. Actually, putting it that way does make it sound creepy. Let me rephrase: I watched your grown up, legal chest rise and fall. Sometimes I'd get close enough to feel you breathe. I'd open my mouth so you'd breathe into me. I'd breathe myself into you.
All that life I breathed into you did no good. But I took some of yours and I'm keeping it. If that's selfish, sue me. You can't have it back. You don't need it where you are, anyway.
There are 32 steps to your front porch. I'll never forget that.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Press Junkets and Boredom
With X-Factor debuting in two days, one would imagine this would be the most exciting time for Britney Spears fans. Sadly, I have bad news to report - it's not.
While Britney will do interviews with everyone and their grandmother (ET, Access Hollywood, E! News, Extra, etc.), the sad fact is they're all the same. She sits in a room (with Simon Cowell; apparently they're interview buddies), a reporter comes in, asks a bunch of generic questions, leaves, then the cycle repeats itself for a couple of hours.
Don't get me wrong, I love interviews. I'll love seeing Britney on Ellen and Jimmy Kimmell. But most of what we're going to get consists of Britney in a room answering the same questions: "What's it like working with Simon?' "What's it like working with Demi?" "How is the experience working on the show?" "Were you nervous?"
We've been down this road before - when Britney promoted Femme Fatale she did the same thing. The only difference was that back then some of the foreign reporters asked some odd questions that won't be asked this time, because there won't be foreign reporters (I don't think anyone in England/Japan/Italy/Russia cares much about the X-Factor USA). So, while those interviews may have been oddly compelling - though still generic - these interviews will be just generic.
It's unfortunate, because there are a million great questions you could ask. You just can't. Either her team won't allow them to be asked or Britney won't answer them. No one from ET or Access Hollywood is going to ask any controversial questions, as those would never get answered and, therefore, never make air (and when I use the term controversial I don't mean questions about her conservatorship).
By the time the tenth reporter asks her whether she found any stars during audition phase or how she got along with Simon, he or she won't get anything more than a sigh and a short response. "Honestly, the talent was good." "I, honestly, enjoyed, you know, working with Simon." Not very compelling.
Let's "shoot straight" - we want to know about panic attacks, walking off stage, going head-to-head with Christina, how she feels when people say she has no business judging talent, the awkward auditions (the guy giving her the flowers, then butchering Circus, and the former duet partner), and all the other juicy tidbits.
Ironically, Simon will tell us more about Britney than Britney will. If he did these press junkets alone, we'd probably get all sorts of scoops. Hell, just what he's told TMZ is more interesting than anything Britney will say this week or next.
Sadly, that's the nature of the beast. Keep everything shrouded in mystery until we no longer care. Britney's team is great at that. Of course, they've had a lot of practice.
While Britney will do interviews with everyone and their grandmother (ET, Access Hollywood, E! News, Extra, etc.), the sad fact is they're all the same. She sits in a room (with Simon Cowell; apparently they're interview buddies), a reporter comes in, asks a bunch of generic questions, leaves, then the cycle repeats itself for a couple of hours.
Don't get me wrong, I love interviews. I'll love seeing Britney on Ellen and Jimmy Kimmell. But most of what we're going to get consists of Britney in a room answering the same questions: "What's it like working with Simon?' "What's it like working with Demi?" "How is the experience working on the show?" "Were you nervous?"
We've been down this road before - when Britney promoted Femme Fatale she did the same thing. The only difference was that back then some of the foreign reporters asked some odd questions that won't be asked this time, because there won't be foreign reporters (I don't think anyone in England/Japan/Italy/Russia cares much about the X-Factor USA). So, while those interviews may have been oddly compelling - though still generic - these interviews will be just generic.
It's unfortunate, because there are a million great questions you could ask. You just can't. Either her team won't allow them to be asked or Britney won't answer them. No one from ET or Access Hollywood is going to ask any controversial questions, as those would never get answered and, therefore, never make air (and when I use the term controversial I don't mean questions about her conservatorship).
By the time the tenth reporter asks her whether she found any stars during audition phase or how she got along with Simon, he or she won't get anything more than a sigh and a short response. "Honestly, the talent was good." "I, honestly, enjoyed, you know, working with Simon." Not very compelling.
Let's "shoot straight" - we want to know about panic attacks, walking off stage, going head-to-head with Christina, how she feels when people say she has no business judging talent, the awkward auditions (the guy giving her the flowers, then butchering Circus, and the former duet partner), and all the other juicy tidbits.
Ironically, Simon will tell us more about Britney than Britney will. If he did these press junkets alone, we'd probably get all sorts of scoops. Hell, just what he's told TMZ is more interesting than anything Britney will say this week or next.
Sadly, that's the nature of the beast. Keep everything shrouded in mystery until we no longer care. Britney's team is great at that. Of course, they've had a lot of practice.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
What's Eating Amanda Bynes?
As a kid, Amanda Bynes was funny. As an adult, she was gorgeous. She looked to have a long and successful career in front of her. Clearly, life has changed.
I don't know what happened to the girl who starred in "She's the Man" and "Sydney White." Granted, those weren't Oscar movies, but they were fine. Hell, Channing Tatum was in "She's the Man" and Amanda was the bigger star at the time. Now, Channing is so far ahead of her it's not even close.
She retired after appearing in "Easy A" with Emma Stone. Retired in her mid-20s, mind you. Who does that? And she didn't retire from acting to pursue a career in music. She flat out retired.
Then came the car accidents and the DUI (alleged). Right now, she's clearly less bankable than Lindsay Lohan (which is saying a lot considering where Lindsay has been). To be fair, Amanda hadn't yet become as big a star as Lindsay (and maybe never would), but she had made enough "Young, Hot Stars under 25" lists to think she had a bright future.
That's not even mentioning her drop-dead gorgeous looks, her incredibly long legs, and so on. It helps to be pretty in show business. Amanda was definitely pretty (technically, she still is, but it may not matter much now).
I miss Amanda movies. Hell, I watched "What a Girl Wants."
It should be noted that Amanda may be perfectly fine. The DUI may be bogus (or a one time mistake), the accidents may be simple accidents, and her retirement may be for a legitimate reason. I don't necessarily believe that, but since I don't know the whole story, I can talk myself into it.
The odds are good that she'll make another movie. Girl has to eat (yes, she's skinny but I'm sure she eats). Most likely, when she comes back her next film will suck. I accept that just like I accept that Lindsay's next few movies will probably suck. However, I hold out hope that after she proves she can be trusted, she'll get to star in better movies.
I hope.
I don't know what happened to the girl who starred in "She's the Man" and "Sydney White." Granted, those weren't Oscar movies, but they were fine. Hell, Channing Tatum was in "She's the Man" and Amanda was the bigger star at the time. Now, Channing is so far ahead of her it's not even close.
She retired after appearing in "Easy A" with Emma Stone. Retired in her mid-20s, mind you. Who does that? And she didn't retire from acting to pursue a career in music. She flat out retired.
Then came the car accidents and the DUI (alleged). Right now, she's clearly less bankable than Lindsay Lohan (which is saying a lot considering where Lindsay has been). To be fair, Amanda hadn't yet become as big a star as Lindsay (and maybe never would), but she had made enough "Young, Hot Stars under 25" lists to think she had a bright future.
That's not even mentioning her drop-dead gorgeous looks, her incredibly long legs, and so on. It helps to be pretty in show business. Amanda was definitely pretty (technically, she still is, but it may not matter much now).
I miss Amanda movies. Hell, I watched "What a Girl Wants."
It should be noted that Amanda may be perfectly fine. The DUI may be bogus (or a one time mistake), the accidents may be simple accidents, and her retirement may be for a legitimate reason. I don't necessarily believe that, but since I don't know the whole story, I can talk myself into it.
The odds are good that she'll make another movie. Girl has to eat (yes, she's skinny but I'm sure she eats). Most likely, when she comes back her next film will suck. I accept that just like I accept that Lindsay's next few movies will probably suck. However, I hold out hope that after she proves she can be trusted, she'll get to star in better movies.
I hope.
Friday, August 17, 2012
A Broken Heart is Money
A broken heart is good for business. Well, Taylor Swift's business, anyway. The songstress has made millions off her own heartache. Although, if it's making you millions, can it be considered heartache?
You have to wonder if Taylor dates boys just for the breakup. Most people date for love, some date for sex, and even some date for money. For Taylor that's boring.
Imagine dating the country/pop star. You have to know that eventually the breakup is coming. Either she's dumping you or you're dumping her. I'm sure the worse the breakup, the better for Taylor. In fact, it wouldn't shock me if she acted in such a way to force her mate to give her a rude sendoff.
It's always nice to part as friends, but that doesn't make for a good song: "We believed to the end/But we parted as friends." It's much better if your heart is torn out of your chest: "The lying bastard stole my heart/Ripped it out, tore it apart."
I'm sure sometimes Taylor had to move the needle, so to speak, toward a more vicious ending. She's not gonna walk away after a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She didn't make millions by promising a happy ending. She said "We are never, ever getting back together," not "You're amazing, let's remain friends."
Don't get me wrong, everything about Taylor screams nice girl. But nice girls can be vicious. And if she's not the vicious one, then she's gonna make you look like the vicious one. Every good breakup song needs a bad guy.
Picture coming to the end of your relationship with the singer. You want to end it, but don't want to wind up the chorus in her next hit song. Therefore, you take her out somewhere nice. You order a big bottle of wine. You schmooze her. Then you lay it down, gently.
You: Taylor, we need to talk.
Taylor (a wry smile because she knows what's coming): OK!
You: You're a great girl. I've loved spending time with you. I just think it would be best if we saw other people.
Taylor (feigning surprise): What do you mean? Are-are-are you bbbbreaking up with me?
You: Baby, no. It's not like that. It's not about you. It's me. It's not you, it's me.
Taylor (feigning anger): I can't believe you're dumping me. I was so good to you.
You: Oh my God, yes, yes you were. It's just best for you if we move on. I want you to be happy.
Taylor (wipes away the fake tears): I gave you everything. But if this is what's best for me, then I'll try to be strong.
Then she goes and writes a song and makes millions of dollars and has millions of teenage girls playing it and screaming and crying and etc.
It's good to be Taylor Swift.
You have to wonder if Taylor dates boys just for the breakup. Most people date for love, some date for sex, and even some date for money. For Taylor that's boring.
Imagine dating the country/pop star. You have to know that eventually the breakup is coming. Either she's dumping you or you're dumping her. I'm sure the worse the breakup, the better for Taylor. In fact, it wouldn't shock me if she acted in such a way to force her mate to give her a rude sendoff.
It's always nice to part as friends, but that doesn't make for a good song: "We believed to the end/But we parted as friends." It's much better if your heart is torn out of your chest: "The lying bastard stole my heart/Ripped it out, tore it apart."
I'm sure sometimes Taylor had to move the needle, so to speak, toward a more vicious ending. She's not gonna walk away after a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She didn't make millions by promising a happy ending. She said "We are never, ever getting back together," not "You're amazing, let's remain friends."
Don't get me wrong, everything about Taylor screams nice girl. But nice girls can be vicious. And if she's not the vicious one, then she's gonna make you look like the vicious one. Every good breakup song needs a bad guy.
Picture coming to the end of your relationship with the singer. You want to end it, but don't want to wind up the chorus in her next hit song. Therefore, you take her out somewhere nice. You order a big bottle of wine. You schmooze her. Then you lay it down, gently.
You: Taylor, we need to talk.
Taylor (a wry smile because she knows what's coming): OK!
You: You're a great girl. I've loved spending time with you. I just think it would be best if we saw other people.
Taylor (feigning surprise): What do you mean? Are-are-are you bbbbreaking up with me?
You: Baby, no. It's not like that. It's not about you. It's me. It's not you, it's me.
Taylor (feigning anger): I can't believe you're dumping me. I was so good to you.
You: Oh my God, yes, yes you were. It's just best for you if we move on. I want you to be happy.
Taylor (wipes away the fake tears): I gave you everything. But if this is what's best for me, then I'll try to be strong.
Then she goes and writes a song and makes millions of dollars and has millions of teenage girls playing it and screaming and crying and etc.
It's good to be Taylor Swift.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Birthdaytime Britannica
Britannica's birthday is right around the corner. I would tell you how old she'll be but a gentleman never reveals a lady's age. Let's just say she's legal. Anyway, here are 30 reasons why it's awesome being Britannica.
1) Her job is to write about Britney Spears. Read that sentence again. Here, read it in all caps HER JOB IS TO WRITE ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS!!! (exclamation points added for even more emphasis). Do you know what your job is? It's definitely NOT writing about Britney Spears.
Think about it for a second. When she types up her resume, under previously held jobs, she can write "Wrote about Britney Spears." Seriously, how jealous are you right now?
Not only that, but when her mom says, "Honey, you write about Britney Spears too much," she can say back, "Sorry, ma, it's my job. Now, what's for dinner."
2) Being that her job is to write about Britney Spears, it would suffice that she spends all day LISTENING to Britney Spears. Not actually Britney, but her music (though, maybe they're secret friends. Maybe Britney calls Britannica up all the time and is like, "Hey, girl, missing you," and Britannica replies, "Ugh, I know, I miss you, too. Let's meet up." Then they meet up. That's totally fantasy, by the way.)
You know how when you listen to Britney your roommate, sibling, parent, significant other says, "Enough Britney?" and you reply, "Sorry," then play Carly Rae Jepson. Britannica doesn't need to apologize - she says "Yo, it's my job, homey. Chill the F out" (OK, I doubt she says homey, but she'd totally tell someone to chill the F out. Right?)..
3) Writing about Britney Spears gives her the perfect excuse to bug her friends with non-stop Britney music. And when they complain, like, "Hey Tannica (not that they'd call her Tannica, because that would be weird. They'd probably call her by her real name, which is . . . I better not give it away. I'll call her TM), cool it with the Britney," she counters with, "Yo, Sally (I'm sure she has a friend named Sally), I gots to be bumpin my Britney. You know how I roll (yes, she totally speaks like a black woman. There's no doubt about that).
4) She watches nothing but Britney videos. We all live sad lives where we stay up all night pigging out on ice cream (fudge brownie) watching "Slave 4 U" wishing we either had Britney's body or HAD Britney's body (you know what I mean), while Britannica does the exact same thing, only it's her JOB. Not the soft weeping, but the part where she watches Britney videos all night. Then texts Britney afterwards and says things like "O-M-G, Criminal is such a great video. Jason's abs are off the wall. Break me off a piece of that" (because, beside talking black, she also talks in hackneyed quips). Of course Britney responds, "Really? That's so cool. Honestly, thank you."
5) She can stare at pictures of Britney, and when people give her that funny look she tells them it's her job. As in, it's her job to STARE AT PICTURES OF BRITNEY. Let that sink in. I bet Britannica could tell you exactly what dress/shoe combo Britney wore to any awards show. You'd be like "'08 VMAs" and Britannica would answer . . . um, whatever the correct answer would be. Or, you could ask her what Britney wore to the RI X-Factor auditions and Britannica would reply, "Herve Leger/YSL, duh."
6) She has the perfect rejection line for any boy who tries to hit on her. Let's say a cute or mildly cute boy tries to spit some game and Britannica is NOT feeling it. She simply says, "Yo, I would love to spend time with you but all my time is taken up by Britney Spears. Sorry." Seriously, there's no comeback for that. It's game over.
7) She has the perfect come on for any boy she wants to get with. It's kinda like the rejection line only flipped. So, she walks up to a cute boy wearing her Herve Leger bandage wrap dress and YSL shoes (cause you know she's got Britney's fashion sense) and says, "I'd love to get to know you better but all my time is taken up by Britney Spears. We're just gabbing all the time, talking about her kids and her, you know, smoking hot bod. No biggie. Whatevs." Of course, any boy with half a brain would spend the rest of the night buying Britannica drinks and paying attention to everything she says.
8) She knows the dance moves to every Britney routine. OK, so most Britney fans know the dance moves to every Britney routine.
8) Someday she might babysit Britney's kids. Imagine Britney, Jason and the kids take a trip to the NY. They all stop by the record label where Britannica is hard at work (watching Britney videos, natch). Britney pops in and says, "Sweetie, could you watch Preston and JayJay (because you know Britney calls Jayden JayJay) while Jason and I get in a quickie in the copy room. Thanks doll." Boom, suddenly Britannica's babysitting the world's most famous children. Next think you know, they're all eating ice cream (the kids asked aunti Tanni for some, since Britannica would never eat on the job) and talking about how amazing Britney is. Britannica says, "I miss brunetteney," to which SP replies, "Don't we all, sister." Of course JayJay chimes in with an "I hear that," then they all enjoy a good chuckle.
9) If Britney ever needed a fill-in assistant, Britannica would probably be high on the list of candidates. Let's say Brett comes down with small pox (or chicken pox or she gets bitten by a Cullen), Britney would totally text Britannica and say, "Honey, can you come over? I need some help picking between these Louboutins or these Jimmy Choos." Hello?!?! You know Britannica would be right there.
10) Plainly and simply, Britannica just rocks. It's great to be Britannica because Britannica is flat-out awesome. She works hard and is devoted to Britney. Her only miscue is wanting to have Justin Bieber's baby. Um, eww!
11) Er, did I say 30 reasons? I meant 10. There are 10 reasons why it's good to be Britannica.
Happy birthday
1) Her job is to write about Britney Spears. Read that sentence again. Here, read it in all caps HER JOB IS TO WRITE ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS!!! (exclamation points added for even more emphasis). Do you know what your job is? It's definitely NOT writing about Britney Spears.
Think about it for a second. When she types up her resume, under previously held jobs, she can write "Wrote about Britney Spears." Seriously, how jealous are you right now?
Not only that, but when her mom says, "Honey, you write about Britney Spears too much," she can say back, "Sorry, ma, it's my job. Now, what's for dinner."
2) Being that her job is to write about Britney Spears, it would suffice that she spends all day LISTENING to Britney Spears. Not actually Britney, but her music (though, maybe they're secret friends. Maybe Britney calls Britannica up all the time and is like, "Hey, girl, missing you," and Britannica replies, "Ugh, I know, I miss you, too. Let's meet up." Then they meet up. That's totally fantasy, by the way.)
You know how when you listen to Britney your roommate, sibling, parent, significant other says, "Enough Britney?" and you reply, "Sorry," then play Carly Rae Jepson. Britannica doesn't need to apologize - she says "Yo, it's my job, homey. Chill the F out" (OK, I doubt she says homey, but she'd totally tell someone to chill the F out. Right?)..
3) Writing about Britney Spears gives her the perfect excuse to bug her friends with non-stop Britney music. And when they complain, like, "Hey Tannica (not that they'd call her Tannica, because that would be weird. They'd probably call her by her real name, which is . . . I better not give it away. I'll call her TM), cool it with the Britney," she counters with, "Yo, Sally (I'm sure she has a friend named Sally), I gots to be bumpin my Britney. You know how I roll (yes, she totally speaks like a black woman. There's no doubt about that).
4) She watches nothing but Britney videos. We all live sad lives where we stay up all night pigging out on ice cream (fudge brownie) watching "Slave 4 U" wishing we either had Britney's body or HAD Britney's body (you know what I mean), while Britannica does the exact same thing, only it's her JOB. Not the soft weeping, but the part where she watches Britney videos all night. Then texts Britney afterwards and says things like "O-M-G, Criminal is such a great video. Jason's abs are off the wall. Break me off a piece of that" (because, beside talking black, she also talks in hackneyed quips). Of course Britney responds, "Really? That's so cool. Honestly, thank you."
5) She can stare at pictures of Britney, and when people give her that funny look she tells them it's her job. As in, it's her job to STARE AT PICTURES OF BRITNEY. Let that sink in. I bet Britannica could tell you exactly what dress/shoe combo Britney wore to any awards show. You'd be like "'08 VMAs" and Britannica would answer . . . um, whatever the correct answer would be. Or, you could ask her what Britney wore to the RI X-Factor auditions and Britannica would reply, "Herve Leger/YSL, duh."
6) She has the perfect rejection line for any boy who tries to hit on her. Let's say a cute or mildly cute boy tries to spit some game and Britannica is NOT feeling it. She simply says, "Yo, I would love to spend time with you but all my time is taken up by Britney Spears. Sorry." Seriously, there's no comeback for that. It's game over.
7) She has the perfect come on for any boy she wants to get with. It's kinda like the rejection line only flipped. So, she walks up to a cute boy wearing her Herve Leger bandage wrap dress and YSL shoes (cause you know she's got Britney's fashion sense) and says, "I'd love to get to know you better but all my time is taken up by Britney Spears. We're just gabbing all the time, talking about her kids and her, you know, smoking hot bod. No biggie. Whatevs." Of course, any boy with half a brain would spend the rest of the night buying Britannica drinks and paying attention to everything she says.
8) She knows the dance moves to every Britney routine. OK, so most Britney fans know the dance moves to every Britney routine.
8) Someday she might babysit Britney's kids. Imagine Britney, Jason and the kids take a trip to the NY. They all stop by the record label where Britannica is hard at work (watching Britney videos, natch). Britney pops in and says, "Sweetie, could you watch Preston and JayJay (because you know Britney calls Jayden JayJay) while Jason and I get in a quickie in the copy room. Thanks doll." Boom, suddenly Britannica's babysitting the world's most famous children. Next think you know, they're all eating ice cream (the kids asked aunti Tanni for some, since Britannica would never eat on the job) and talking about how amazing Britney is. Britannica says, "I miss brunetteney," to which SP replies, "Don't we all, sister." Of course JayJay chimes in with an "I hear that," then they all enjoy a good chuckle.
9) If Britney ever needed a fill-in assistant, Britannica would probably be high on the list of candidates. Let's say Brett comes down with small pox (or chicken pox or she gets bitten by a Cullen), Britney would totally text Britannica and say, "Honey, can you come over? I need some help picking between these Louboutins or these Jimmy Choos." Hello?!?! You know Britannica would be right there.
10) Plainly and simply, Britannica just rocks. It's great to be Britannica because Britannica is flat-out awesome. She works hard and is devoted to Britney. Her only miscue is wanting to have Justin Bieber's baby. Um, eww!
11) Er, did I say 30 reasons? I meant 10. There are 10 reasons why it's good to be Britannica.
Happy birthday
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Who I Am
I think what music you listen to really says a lot about you. Here are 25 random songs from my iPod.
Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Jay-Z - Sweet
Yes - Roundabout
Seether - Country Song
Blink 182 - First Date
Weird Al Yankovic - Smells Like Nirvana
Aerosmith - Hole in My Soul
Destiny's Child - Brown Eyes
Kris Allen - Heartless
Porcelain Black - This is What Rock n Roll Looks Like
Augustana - Coffee and Cigarettes
Jay-Z - Ignorant Shit
David Cook - Light On
Britney Spears - I'm a Slave 4 U
Metallica - Enter Sandman
B.o.B. - Where Are You
Sheryl Crow - Sign Your Name
John Mayer - Who Says
Chris Tomlin & Matt Redman - Set Free
Halestorm - Bad Romance
Halestorm - Break In
Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Michelle Branch - You Get Me
John Legend - Let's Get Lifted Again
Rihanna - Take a Bow
Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Jay-Z - Sweet
Yes - Roundabout
Seether - Country Song
Blink 182 - First Date
Weird Al Yankovic - Smells Like Nirvana
Aerosmith - Hole in My Soul
Destiny's Child - Brown Eyes
Kris Allen - Heartless
Porcelain Black - This is What Rock n Roll Looks Like
Augustana - Coffee and Cigarettes
Jay-Z - Ignorant Shit
David Cook - Light On
Britney Spears - I'm a Slave 4 U
Metallica - Enter Sandman
B.o.B. - Where Are You
Sheryl Crow - Sign Your Name
John Mayer - Who Says
Chris Tomlin & Matt Redman - Set Free
Halestorm - Bad Romance
Halestorm - Break In
Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Michelle Branch - You Get Me
John Legend - Let's Get Lifted Again
Rihanna - Take a Bow
Monday, July 16, 2012
Britney Spears is an American Idol
Britney Spears is reportedly making $15 million to judge the X-Factor this year. Jennifer Lopez reportedly made $15 million to judge American Idol last year. J. Lo announced her decision to leave Idol a week or so ago. Clearly, Britney has a job, but imagine for a second that J. Lo announced right after Idol ended that she wouldn't come back for a third season. Imagine, then, that while Idol would need to replace J. Lo, X-Factor needs two female judges to replace Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger. That means Britney would now be available for both shows. Question is, who gets her and how much does she make.
We all know Simon wanted her for X-Factor (and got her). We don't know if Idol would have any interest in her. We do know that Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe said back in 2007 that he had no interest in Britney performing on the show. Of course, it's been five years since then and Britney's better. Idol, on the other hand, has seen ratings decrease to the point where last season's finale was the lowest rated ever. Judging by the list of contenders to replace J. Lo (and other departing judge Steven Tyler), they obviously want to make a splash. Britney would be a splash.
While Nigel said no thanks to Britney performing, he never mentioned if he'd be for Britney judging. Regardless of what he thinks of Britney personally, you can't replace an A-list star like J. Lo with a B-list star. Therefore, let's assume he, in wanting to make that big splash, put Britney on his radar (no pun intended . . . actually, pun intended).
In this situation, Britney's being courted by two shows - Idol and X-Factor. Since J. Lo reportedly wanted a raise to $17 million, Idol would most likely have to come in around that number in its first offer to Britney. For her, she originally wanted, according to reports, $20 million for X-Factor. The show offered a reported $10 million. In our imagined scenario, X-Factor wouldn't have been able to low-ball her like that because Idol would have swooped in with a stronger offer and that'd be that.
Just because Britney wants $20 million doesn't mean both shows - or either show - would offer that much to start. Most likely, Idol and X-Factor would probably come in around $16 million. From there, it becomes a game of who wants Britney more. Would either show shell out the reported $20 million that Britney originally wanted?
I think Simon really wanted Britney, but I don't think Idol would go all out. It seems from reports that the show is trying to cut costs. In this scenario, X-Factor gets Britney, but pays a couple million more than they currently are. Of course, if the media took the story of two shows fighting for Britney and ran with it, Idol may not give in so easily. Otherwise, the general public may see X-Factor signing Britney as a sign that it is now the #1 show. In that case, Britney could easily get $20 million. I still think X-Factor would win out, because I think Simon really wants to beat Idol.
Either way, it would have been a very interesting few months and made for a plethora of good stories.
We all know Simon wanted her for X-Factor (and got her). We don't know if Idol would have any interest in her. We do know that Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe said back in 2007 that he had no interest in Britney performing on the show. Of course, it's been five years since then and Britney's better. Idol, on the other hand, has seen ratings decrease to the point where last season's finale was the lowest rated ever. Judging by the list of contenders to replace J. Lo (and other departing judge Steven Tyler), they obviously want to make a splash. Britney would be a splash.
While Nigel said no thanks to Britney performing, he never mentioned if he'd be for Britney judging. Regardless of what he thinks of Britney personally, you can't replace an A-list star like J. Lo with a B-list star. Therefore, let's assume he, in wanting to make that big splash, put Britney on his radar (no pun intended . . . actually, pun intended).
In this situation, Britney's being courted by two shows - Idol and X-Factor. Since J. Lo reportedly wanted a raise to $17 million, Idol would most likely have to come in around that number in its first offer to Britney. For her, she originally wanted, according to reports, $20 million for X-Factor. The show offered a reported $10 million. In our imagined scenario, X-Factor wouldn't have been able to low-ball her like that because Idol would have swooped in with a stronger offer and that'd be that.
Just because Britney wants $20 million doesn't mean both shows - or either show - would offer that much to start. Most likely, Idol and X-Factor would probably come in around $16 million. From there, it becomes a game of who wants Britney more. Would either show shell out the reported $20 million that Britney originally wanted?
I think Simon really wanted Britney, but I don't think Idol would go all out. It seems from reports that the show is trying to cut costs. In this scenario, X-Factor gets Britney, but pays a couple million more than they currently are. Of course, if the media took the story of two shows fighting for Britney and ran with it, Idol may not give in so easily. Otherwise, the general public may see X-Factor signing Britney as a sign that it is now the #1 show. In that case, Britney could easily get $20 million. I still think X-Factor would win out, because I think Simon really wants to beat Idol.
Either way, it would have been a very interesting few months and made for a plethora of good stories.
Monday, July 9, 2012
I (Don't) Know What Girls Like
Broken hearts and cracked fingernails
Is this what girls like?
Torn up weaves and side ponytails
Tell me, what do girls like?
Because I don't know what girls like
Smokey kissing with lips dripping nicotine
Is this what girls like?
Bloody t-shirts stained with iodine
Tell me what girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
Do they like kissing in the rain?
Under a tall oak tree
Do they enjoy blinding, searing pain?
With secrets between you and me
Tell me what girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
Cold, damp rugs on a summer's eve
Is this what girls like?
Promising to stay, they always leave
Tell me, what do girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
A light breeze in the summer air
Is this what girls like?
Eating cotton candy at the state fair
Tell me what girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
Do they like kissing in the snow?
Under a tall pine tree
Do they enjoy watching the show?
With only you and never me
Tell me what girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
Someone tell me what girls like
I'd really love to know what girls like
Is this what girls like?
Torn up weaves and side ponytails
Tell me, what do girls like?
Because I don't know what girls like
Smokey kissing with lips dripping nicotine
Is this what girls like?
Bloody t-shirts stained with iodine
Tell me what girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
Do they like kissing in the rain?
Under a tall oak tree
Do they enjoy blinding, searing pain?
With secrets between you and me
Tell me what girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
Cold, damp rugs on a summer's eve
Is this what girls like?
Promising to stay, they always leave
Tell me, what do girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
A light breeze in the summer air
Is this what girls like?
Eating cotton candy at the state fair
Tell me what girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
Do they like kissing in the snow?
Under a tall pine tree
Do they enjoy watching the show?
With only you and never me
Tell me what girls like
Because I don't know what girls like
Someone tell me what girls like
I'd really love to know what girls like
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Leave Britney Alone
Britney Spears was the first superstar of the Internet age. She grew up as the Internet did.
In the beginning there wasn't much: e-mail, the world wide web, basically the Internet was a place to look at porn and download pictures of women. Eventually, websites popped up with forums for discussion. Then came Myspace, Facebook, Youtube, Google, etc. The Internet kept getting bigger and bigger. Just like Britney.
Her career started in the late 90s, about that time when more and more people were online. As we moved into the 2000s, her career took off. At that time, the Internet became faster and there was more to do. 100s of fan sites popped up where 1000s of people now had a voice to discuss all things Britney. Eventually, Myspace pages full of Britney pictures and songs were created, followed by Youtube videos of her fans (and detractors) offering their opinion on her music and life. Britney hasn't existed in the public eye without someone being able to offer an opinion on her that could be seen/read by millions of people instantly.
Imagine that, producing something that the whole world can comment on in a matter of minutes. That something includes, not just music and movies, but any normal, every day activity. Before the Internet, the only people commenting on the lives of celebrities were the media. And not to say the media is better, but at least the celebrity had a week before the magazine hit newsstands. Nowadays, a video of Britney sneezing is on the Internet and has 10,000 views by lunchtime (not to mention 1,000 comments about how she sneezes, whether she used a tissue, was there snot, etc.).
How many people stop and wonder if Britney had a breakdown in 2007 or just got fed up with being the center of attention? Perhaps she didn't want to be the show any more. There's a Seinfeld quote where George hates going on blind dates because he always has to be "on." Isn't it possible that Britney snapped because she didn't want to be "on" any more?
When Madonna was famous in the 80s and 90s, she never had to worry about her picture being the lead story on Yahoo, Perez, TMZ, etc. Sure, there were paparazzi and her picture could be in the magazines, but that would be days later, and only if something more interesting didn't knock her photo off the headlines. Today, sites need content and will put up anything involving a celebrity. Check out TMZ or X17 - both sites are filled with inane stories that only exist to take up space.
When Britney snapped and attacked the paparazzi's van with an umbrella, everyone assumed she had a nervous breakdown or suffered from a mental illness. Perhaps she just wanted to be left alone. In fact, if you watch the video, or most videos from 2007, Britney says repeatedly, "Please, leave me alone." Sadly, no one listened.
Britney didn't have a breakdown. Her wild antics weren't because she was psycho, bi-polar or mentally unstable. She was frustrated with being the world's entertainer. Think about it: she had been the most sought after person since she first donned the catholic skirt, nine years in the public eye from 1998 - 2007. Even when she took a "break" to have kids and get married, even when she announced it and told us to enjoy the other overexposed blondes as our entertainment, even when she stopped acting and dressing like a prototypical pop star, no one stopped taking her picture. The Internet demanded content, and no one drives up web hits like Britney.
Being famous nowadays is like checking into the Hotel California, i.e. you can check out, but you can never leave. Britney will be photographed and discussed until the day she dies. Her children have no chance at a normal life. It's almost a certainty they will wind up on TV someday. They've already conquered the Internet. We've seen Sean and Jayden in their diapers in their backyard, eating ice cream, playing in the sand, swimming in the pool, you name it.
At 30, Britney has been surrounded by paparazzi and people wanting a handout for almost half her life. South Park ran an, amazingly, pointed episode about her in 2008 when she made her "comeback" (which is an ironic term, since the Internet never allowed her to leave). She blew her own head off, but kept on performing. Yes, even with half a head, Britney has to be "on."
Maybe someday Britney can finally be "off." She won't have to be the "center of attention." Unfortunately, the Internet monster craves content. And Britney is just so damn good at entertaining us that, well . . .
It's a shame, because no one asks to have their whole life documented on film. Yet, we've got more than 10 solid years of Britney's existence stored in the archives. Want to know what Britney had for lunch in 2006? Don't even ask her, there's probably a video somewhere. And don't worry, she'll be "on." She always is.
In the beginning there wasn't much: e-mail, the world wide web, basically the Internet was a place to look at porn and download pictures of women. Eventually, websites popped up with forums for discussion. Then came Myspace, Facebook, Youtube, Google, etc. The Internet kept getting bigger and bigger. Just like Britney.
Her career started in the late 90s, about that time when more and more people were online. As we moved into the 2000s, her career took off. At that time, the Internet became faster and there was more to do. 100s of fan sites popped up where 1000s of people now had a voice to discuss all things Britney. Eventually, Myspace pages full of Britney pictures and songs were created, followed by Youtube videos of her fans (and detractors) offering their opinion on her music and life. Britney hasn't existed in the public eye without someone being able to offer an opinion on her that could be seen/read by millions of people instantly.
Imagine that, producing something that the whole world can comment on in a matter of minutes. That something includes, not just music and movies, but any normal, every day activity. Before the Internet, the only people commenting on the lives of celebrities were the media. And not to say the media is better, but at least the celebrity had a week before the magazine hit newsstands. Nowadays, a video of Britney sneezing is on the Internet and has 10,000 views by lunchtime (not to mention 1,000 comments about how she sneezes, whether she used a tissue, was there snot, etc.).
How many people stop and wonder if Britney had a breakdown in 2007 or just got fed up with being the center of attention? Perhaps she didn't want to be the show any more. There's a Seinfeld quote where George hates going on blind dates because he always has to be "on." Isn't it possible that Britney snapped because she didn't want to be "on" any more?
When Madonna was famous in the 80s and 90s, she never had to worry about her picture being the lead story on Yahoo, Perez, TMZ, etc. Sure, there were paparazzi and her picture could be in the magazines, but that would be days later, and only if something more interesting didn't knock her photo off the headlines. Today, sites need content and will put up anything involving a celebrity. Check out TMZ or X17 - both sites are filled with inane stories that only exist to take up space.
When Britney snapped and attacked the paparazzi's van with an umbrella, everyone assumed she had a nervous breakdown or suffered from a mental illness. Perhaps she just wanted to be left alone. In fact, if you watch the video, or most videos from 2007, Britney says repeatedly, "Please, leave me alone." Sadly, no one listened.
Britney didn't have a breakdown. Her wild antics weren't because she was psycho, bi-polar or mentally unstable. She was frustrated with being the world's entertainer. Think about it: she had been the most sought after person since she first donned the catholic skirt, nine years in the public eye from 1998 - 2007. Even when she took a "break" to have kids and get married, even when she announced it and told us to enjoy the other overexposed blondes as our entertainment, even when she stopped acting and dressing like a prototypical pop star, no one stopped taking her picture. The Internet demanded content, and no one drives up web hits like Britney.
Being famous nowadays is like checking into the Hotel California, i.e. you can check out, but you can never leave. Britney will be photographed and discussed until the day she dies. Her children have no chance at a normal life. It's almost a certainty they will wind up on TV someday. They've already conquered the Internet. We've seen Sean and Jayden in their diapers in their backyard, eating ice cream, playing in the sand, swimming in the pool, you name it.
At 30, Britney has been surrounded by paparazzi and people wanting a handout for almost half her life. South Park ran an, amazingly, pointed episode about her in 2008 when she made her "comeback" (which is an ironic term, since the Internet never allowed her to leave). She blew her own head off, but kept on performing. Yes, even with half a head, Britney has to be "on."
Maybe someday Britney can finally be "off." She won't have to be the "center of attention." Unfortunately, the Internet monster craves content. And Britney is just so damn good at entertaining us that, well . . .
It's a shame, because no one asks to have their whole life documented on film. Yet, we've got more than 10 solid years of Britney's existence stored in the archives. Want to know what Britney had for lunch in 2006? Don't even ask her, there's probably a video somewhere. And don't worry, she'll be "on." She always is.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Call Me, Britney
If Carly Rae Jepson wrote a song about meeting Britney Spears, it would go like this:
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's a pen, would you sign this maybe . . . hug me maybe . . . take a picture maybe . . . stand there for five minutes and pretend to listen maybe . . . maybe.
Running into Britney must be awkward for almost all parties involved. There's you, not quite sure what to do; Britney, not quite sure what to do; and the bodyguard, quite sure what to do, and that's move you along.
I don't think Britney is a bad person for ignoring total strangers if she happens to be in a 1-on-1-on-1 situation. And I can't even feel bad for the person who gets ignored, because I've never heard an "I met Britney" story where the person even seemed slightly angry about getting ignored. Most IMB stories contain the same words/phrases: dead, died, OMG, amazing, couldn't speak, and fainted. They never contain the words: angry, mad, annoyed or pissed.
It seems like Britney fans don't care that she ignores them. They're just honored to be in her presence, like she's royalty. I guess to them she is. If you stood five feet from Kate Middleton and she didn't acknowledge you, would you be angry or would you tell everyone you stood five feet from the duchess? I suppose sometimes just being there is enough.
Of course, herein lies the debate of whether or not you can claim to have met someone if they never acknowledged your existence. I think a mutual acknowledgment is a big key to the meeting process. I stand next to people all the time: in line, on the subway, in an elevator. That doesn't mean we met.
Technically, these people saw Britney, stood near her, even experienced her, if you want to go that far. But a story that begins with "I saw Britney" isn't nearly as interesting as a story that begins with "I met Britney." If you saw Britney, then I don't care. If you met her, then tell me more.
But how do you turn an "I saw Britney" story into an "I met Britney" story? First, you'd have to avoid the bodyguard, which is next to impossible. Next, if you somehow climbed that mountain, you'd have to get Britney to acknowledge your existence. That, like avoiding the bodyguard, would be another tough task. It's not to say Britney is a jerk who doesn't care about her fans, but more saying that she's uncomfortable around people she doesn't know (or maybe she is a jerk. I've never met her).
Is there a way to make it work? Could someone actually meet Britney (naturally, not a meet and greet or by winning a contest) where you acknowledge her and she acknowledges you? Maybe it's happened. Maybe someone out there has actually had an honest to God meeting with Britney.
Most likely, they'll start the story with an "I met Britney," but end it with, "She didn't say anything, but it was amazing. I almost died."
So, I guess while never meeting Britney is no fun, having a near death experience is pretty cool . . . maybe.
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's a pen, would you sign this maybe . . . hug me maybe . . . take a picture maybe . . . stand there for five minutes and pretend to listen maybe . . . maybe.
Running into Britney must be awkward for almost all parties involved. There's you, not quite sure what to do; Britney, not quite sure what to do; and the bodyguard, quite sure what to do, and that's move you along.
I don't think Britney is a bad person for ignoring total strangers if she happens to be in a 1-on-1-on-1 situation. And I can't even feel bad for the person who gets ignored, because I've never heard an "I met Britney" story where the person even seemed slightly angry about getting ignored. Most IMB stories contain the same words/phrases: dead, died, OMG, amazing, couldn't speak, and fainted. They never contain the words: angry, mad, annoyed or pissed.
It seems like Britney fans don't care that she ignores them. They're just honored to be in her presence, like she's royalty. I guess to them she is. If you stood five feet from Kate Middleton and she didn't acknowledge you, would you be angry or would you tell everyone you stood five feet from the duchess? I suppose sometimes just being there is enough.
Of course, herein lies the debate of whether or not you can claim to have met someone if they never acknowledged your existence. I think a mutual acknowledgment is a big key to the meeting process. I stand next to people all the time: in line, on the subway, in an elevator. That doesn't mean we met.
Technically, these people saw Britney, stood near her, even experienced her, if you want to go that far. But a story that begins with "I saw Britney" isn't nearly as interesting as a story that begins with "I met Britney." If you saw Britney, then I don't care. If you met her, then tell me more.
But how do you turn an "I saw Britney" story into an "I met Britney" story? First, you'd have to avoid the bodyguard, which is next to impossible. Next, if you somehow climbed that mountain, you'd have to get Britney to acknowledge your existence. That, like avoiding the bodyguard, would be another tough task. It's not to say Britney is a jerk who doesn't care about her fans, but more saying that she's uncomfortable around people she doesn't know (or maybe she is a jerk. I've never met her).
Is there a way to make it work? Could someone actually meet Britney (naturally, not a meet and greet or by winning a contest) where you acknowledge her and she acknowledges you? Maybe it's happened. Maybe someone out there has actually had an honest to God meeting with Britney.
Most likely, they'll start the story with an "I met Britney," but end it with, "She didn't say anything, but it was amazing. I almost died."
So, I guess while never meeting Britney is no fun, having a near death experience is pretty cool . . . maybe.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Thanks
I want to take time to give thanks. It may not be Thanksgiving, but these people deserve to be shown love every day for their unending devotion to Britney Spears (and their hilariousness).
First, I have to pay respect to the one who never sleeps, Jazmin (aka PieceofBritney). I constantly see her tweeting at 9, 10, 11 at night, which would be fine, except I'm talking about 9 - 11 p.m. EST and she lives in the UK. So, this girl stays up till 3 a.m. to talk about Britney. That means one of three things: she's hugely devoted to Britney, she's a vampire or she's dating a vampire. All three options are quite possible, by the way. I've seen Twilight. And her site is top notch, so some thanks have to also go out to her partner-in-crime, Joanne.
Second, I have to show some love to (real name withheld on account of me not wanting to be killed) BRITannica. While she may not stay up all night like Jazmin, she's clearly uber-devoted. She even went to the middle of nowhere, Kansas City, MO, to see her judge hopeful X-Factor contestants. That's dedication. Plus, people kinda hated her in the beginning, but she never let them get to her. She's Britney-strong. Only drawback: she does NOT check her e-mails. True story: I sent her a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail back when us Americans celebrate the holiday. Did I ever get a reply? No. It's now June.
Lastly, and definitely leastly, is everyone's favorite old drunkard (real name withheld, again, so I don't get killed) PoorBritney. Here's a woman with a kid, husband, dogs, bunnies, cats, fish, etc., yet she still finds time to talk about Britney. She even holds down a job. Plus, she's old enough to be a grandmother, yet still carries the Britney torch. Oops, I meant, she's nowhere near old enough to be a grandmother. In fact, I'm surprised she has a child. She should be on teen mom. But her posts crack me up . . . and she flirts with me.
Three legends in the Britney-verse. I've got love for all.
First, I have to pay respect to the one who never sleeps, Jazmin (aka PieceofBritney). I constantly see her tweeting at 9, 10, 11 at night, which would be fine, except I'm talking about 9 - 11 p.m. EST and she lives in the UK. So, this girl stays up till 3 a.m. to talk about Britney. That means one of three things: she's hugely devoted to Britney, she's a vampire or she's dating a vampire. All three options are quite possible, by the way. I've seen Twilight. And her site is top notch, so some thanks have to also go out to her partner-in-crime, Joanne.
Second, I have to show some love to (real name withheld on account of me not wanting to be killed) BRITannica. While she may not stay up all night like Jazmin, she's clearly uber-devoted. She even went to the middle of nowhere, Kansas City, MO, to see her judge hopeful X-Factor contestants. That's dedication. Plus, people kinda hated her in the beginning, but she never let them get to her. She's Britney-strong. Only drawback: she does NOT check her e-mails. True story: I sent her a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail back when us Americans celebrate the holiday. Did I ever get a reply? No. It's now June.
Lastly, and definitely leastly, is everyone's favorite old drunkard (real name withheld, again, so I don't get killed) PoorBritney. Here's a woman with a kid, husband, dogs, bunnies, cats, fish, etc., yet she still finds time to talk about Britney. She even holds down a job. Plus, she's old enough to be a grandmother, yet still carries the Britney torch. Oops, I meant, she's nowhere near old enough to be a grandmother. In fact, I'm surprised she has a child. She should be on teen mom. But her posts crack me up . . . and she flirts with me.
Three legends in the Britney-verse. I've got love for all.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Keeping Up With Fake Reality TV
I got to thinking, if you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians as a scripted TV show (because that's basically what it is) and not as a reality show (because there's nothing much real about it), it might be eminently watchable.
What does it offer - well, there's comedy (any time someone cries, namely Kim), drama (any time someone gets mad at someone else, again, Kim), hot chicks (your mileage may vary, but you could say all three older sisters and the mom), and crazy antics (usually involving Khloe).
What it doesn't offer - well, mostly, real-life interactions or situations. For instance, the Kardashians have no connection to the average person because the average person isn't worth millions of dollars and doesn't get paid for merely existing. There's an ironic disconnect between America struggling with today's economy, yet making a show about rich people popular. How many other shows on TV feature a cast of rich people?
I understand the idea of fantasy and escapism, but the Kardashians are supposed to be a reality show. A reality show would be the antithesis of fantasy. Hell, reality is the reason fantasy exists. How does someone escape into a reality show? Because, even if you accept that the show is not very real, the people in it are. I suppose you could fantasize about their reality. If you accept that the show is fake, yet understand that these people are very wealthy, there could be the chance for some escapism there. Peeking in to see how the other half lives, even if you're not quite sure what you're seeing is how they actually live.
Herein lies the problem with reality TV: what you're seeing isn't 100 percent real, you know it's not real, yet you pretend it is because these reality "stars" are living exciting, interesting lives (even if they're not really those people). They're living in big houses, they're spending $1,000s, they're going to hot clubs/parties/events, and they're doing it without so much as a wink. They know it's fake, you know it's fake, but it's all kept silent for the sake of the show. It's like wrestling: the wrestlers know it's scripted, the audience knows it's scripted, but no one says anything because it's no fun if they tell you what you're watching isn't real.
Don't get me wrong: the Kardashians do live in big houses, they do spend $1,000s and they do go to hot clubs/parties/events. That's all real. It's just all that other stuff, the reason people tune in every week, isn't.
What does it offer - well, there's comedy (any time someone cries, namely Kim), drama (any time someone gets mad at someone else, again, Kim), hot chicks (your mileage may vary, but you could say all three older sisters and the mom), and crazy antics (usually involving Khloe).
What it doesn't offer - well, mostly, real-life interactions or situations. For instance, the Kardashians have no connection to the average person because the average person isn't worth millions of dollars and doesn't get paid for merely existing. There's an ironic disconnect between America struggling with today's economy, yet making a show about rich people popular. How many other shows on TV feature a cast of rich people?
I understand the idea of fantasy and escapism, but the Kardashians are supposed to be a reality show. A reality show would be the antithesis of fantasy. Hell, reality is the reason fantasy exists. How does someone escape into a reality show? Because, even if you accept that the show is not very real, the people in it are. I suppose you could fantasize about their reality. If you accept that the show is fake, yet understand that these people are very wealthy, there could be the chance for some escapism there. Peeking in to see how the other half lives, even if you're not quite sure what you're seeing is how they actually live.
Herein lies the problem with reality TV: what you're seeing isn't 100 percent real, you know it's not real, yet you pretend it is because these reality "stars" are living exciting, interesting lives (even if they're not really those people). They're living in big houses, they're spending $1,000s, they're going to hot clubs/parties/events, and they're doing it without so much as a wink. They know it's fake, you know it's fake, but it's all kept silent for the sake of the show. It's like wrestling: the wrestlers know it's scripted, the audience knows it's scripted, but no one says anything because it's no fun if they tell you what you're watching isn't real.
Don't get me wrong: the Kardashians do live in big houses, they do spend $1,000s and they do go to hot clubs/parties/events. That's all real. It's just all that other stuff, the reason people tune in every week, isn't.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Replacing J. Lo
It seems clear J. Lo isn't returning for a third season of Idol (Update: it's now all but certain after her interview with the Today Show). That means it's time to find a replacement. But, how does one replace J. Lo?
Jenny from the block, so to speak, brought many things to the judges table: confidence, star power, knowledge, and, you know, plain and simple gorgeousness. That means her heir has to bring at least some of that. Who, then, would be a good candidate for the seat (it has to be a woman, obviously). Here are some choices (excluding Christina, Britney and Demi because, duh, they already have jobs judging talent):
Miley Cyrus - If Demi is deemed worthy of judging singing talent, then Miley should fit right in. She has all the traits J. Lo has, plus youth. Of course, people will chastise her for not being a very good singer, but J. Lo wasn't known for her voice and she did all right.
Gwen Stefani - Another person who has all the traits that J. Lo has. She gets bonus points for being known as a singer and not a dancer (she did front a rock/ska/pop band, remember).
Mary J. Blige - She's the queen of hip-hop/soul. She's been a guest mentor a few times. We know she can sing. She even guest judged a few years ago during a couple audition stops. Beside, Idol hasn't had a judge with soul before.
Alicia Keys - Can sing? Yes. Play the piano? Yes. Huge superstar? Yes. Hit songs? Yes. Gorgeous? Yes. What else do you need. Plus, she's from "the block," too.
Kelly Clarkson - I think we have a winner. Perhaps she's not as gorgeous as J. Lo, but she'd bring a huge voice to the judges tables. I mean she did win some little singing show a few years back. I think she could discern a good singer from a bad one. Plus, who's not going to listen to the person who WON THE VERY FIRST SEASON OF AMERICAN IDOL. Seriously.
Kelly for President, err, Idol judge.
(Update: it appears Steven Tyler is leaving, too.)
A lot of upheaval at Idol. With J. Lo and Steven most likely out, the show needs replacements. One of the five girls above would be a perfect replacement for J. Lo (coughKellyClarksoncough). But what about Steven?
Clearly Idol wants one crazy judge. Scratch that, all shows want one crazy judge. Howard Stern on America's Got Talent, Cee-Lo Green on The Voice and now Britney Spears on X-Factor all do and say things that make you go, "Excuse me!" Well, out of the five female judges listed only Miley Cyrus is anywhere near crazy, and her crazy involves the way she dresses. I don't think that's enough for Idol.
Therefore, Idol needs a male judge who's crazy, over-the-top and maybe a bit psychotic. Let's see who we can dig up:
Alice Cooper - He was one of the original "shock rockers" back in the 70s. While he may not say absurd things like Steven, a guy who wears more makeup than Lady Gaga (and weirder outfits) is definitely high up on the crazy scale.
Ozzy Osbourne - He bit the head off a bat and you can barely understand a word he says. If that's not at least a 9 on the crazy scale, we need a new scale.
Any member of Slipknot - They wear masks, look like sociopaths and scream a lot. That's crazy and scary.
Any member of Gwar - See above, only these guys are even more crazy and even more scary.
Justin Bieber - On the surface, this seems like a weird choice. He doesn't seem crazy at all. However, look closer. He dresses like a 20-year old lesbian half the time and like a kid stuck in the mid-90s the other half (even though he's dating one of the best dressed people alive). He's Canadian, so he eats strange food and probably started drinking by age 13. He probably loves hockey and curling. Finally, the guy attacks glass, drives 100 mph and rips women who pretend he got them pregnant. Yeah, he's definitely crazy.
Jenny from the block, so to speak, brought many things to the judges table: confidence, star power, knowledge, and, you know, plain and simple gorgeousness. That means her heir has to bring at least some of that. Who, then, would be a good candidate for the seat (it has to be a woman, obviously). Here are some choices (excluding Christina, Britney and Demi because, duh, they already have jobs judging talent):
Miley Cyrus - If Demi is deemed worthy of judging singing talent, then Miley should fit right in. She has all the traits J. Lo has, plus youth. Of course, people will chastise her for not being a very good singer, but J. Lo wasn't known for her voice and she did all right.
Gwen Stefani - Another person who has all the traits that J. Lo has. She gets bonus points for being known as a singer and not a dancer (she did front a rock/ska/pop band, remember).
Mary J. Blige - She's the queen of hip-hop/soul. She's been a guest mentor a few times. We know she can sing. She even guest judged a few years ago during a couple audition stops. Beside, Idol hasn't had a judge with soul before.
Alicia Keys - Can sing? Yes. Play the piano? Yes. Huge superstar? Yes. Hit songs? Yes. Gorgeous? Yes. What else do you need. Plus, she's from "the block," too.
Kelly Clarkson - I think we have a winner. Perhaps she's not as gorgeous as J. Lo, but she'd bring a huge voice to the judges tables. I mean she did win some little singing show a few years back. I think she could discern a good singer from a bad one. Plus, who's not going to listen to the person who WON THE VERY FIRST SEASON OF AMERICAN IDOL. Seriously.
Kelly for President, err, Idol judge.
(Update: it appears Steven Tyler is leaving, too.)
A lot of upheaval at Idol. With J. Lo and Steven most likely out, the show needs replacements. One of the five girls above would be a perfect replacement for J. Lo (coughKellyClarksoncough). But what about Steven?
Clearly Idol wants one crazy judge. Scratch that, all shows want one crazy judge. Howard Stern on America's Got Talent, Cee-Lo Green on The Voice and now Britney Spears on X-Factor all do and say things that make you go, "Excuse me!" Well, out of the five female judges listed only Miley Cyrus is anywhere near crazy, and her crazy involves the way she dresses. I don't think that's enough for Idol.
Therefore, Idol needs a male judge who's crazy, over-the-top and maybe a bit psychotic. Let's see who we can dig up:
Alice Cooper - He was one of the original "shock rockers" back in the 70s. While he may not say absurd things like Steven, a guy who wears more makeup than Lady Gaga (and weirder outfits) is definitely high up on the crazy scale.
Ozzy Osbourne - He bit the head off a bat and you can barely understand a word he says. If that's not at least a 9 on the crazy scale, we need a new scale.
Any member of Slipknot - They wear masks, look like sociopaths and scream a lot. That's crazy and scary.
Any member of Gwar - See above, only these guys are even more crazy and even more scary.
Justin Bieber - On the surface, this seems like a weird choice. He doesn't seem crazy at all. However, look closer. He dresses like a 20-year old lesbian half the time and like a kid stuck in the mid-90s the other half (even though he's dating one of the best dressed people alive). He's Canadian, so he eats strange food and probably started drinking by age 13. He probably loves hockey and curling. Finally, the guy attacks glass, drives 100 mph and rips women who pretend he got them pregnant. Yeah, he's definitely crazy.
Dear Mr. Media Man
It's been one day - ONE DAY! - that Britney Spears has sat down at the judges table for X-Factor and already there's controversy. Hilariously, this controversy couldn't be more fabricated.
TMZ reported yesterday that Britney "walked off" after some poor contestant reportedly butchered one of her songs. Today, they continue with that story, but also claim she was "overwhelmed" and apparently has some super contract where she can do whatever she wants. Like, if she wants Cheetos and Fanta, she can get up in the middle of the show and get some Cheetos and Fanta. Or, perhaps, if the air conditioning isn't set at the right level, Britney can apparently leave, find the guy responsible for adjusting it, get him to adjust it, then go to the bathroom, have a quickie with her fiancee, Skype with her kids, and order three pairs of YSL shoes online, all while Demi, Simon, and LA continue judging without her. Then, when she returns, it's not, "Where the hell have you been, Britney," it's, "Welcome back Miss Queen, we kept your seat warm for you."
There's no doubt Simon is doing jumping jacks in his living room after all the press the show has gotten on the first day of auditions. Clearly, Britney's reported "walk off" wasn't a "walk off," but more a "Britney, why don't you leave so people will think you walked off and we'll get tons of press," maneuver cooked up by Simon. He's a smart guy.
I can't wait until her next controversy where she disagrees with Demi and the media reports that she called Demi an "untalented skank-stain on the shirt of the music business."
Ah, Britney, making the media her bitch since 1999.
TMZ reported yesterday that Britney "walked off" after some poor contestant reportedly butchered one of her songs. Today, they continue with that story, but also claim she was "overwhelmed" and apparently has some super contract where she can do whatever she wants. Like, if she wants Cheetos and Fanta, she can get up in the middle of the show and get some Cheetos and Fanta. Or, perhaps, if the air conditioning isn't set at the right level, Britney can apparently leave, find the guy responsible for adjusting it, get him to adjust it, then go to the bathroom, have a quickie with her fiancee, Skype with her kids, and order three pairs of YSL shoes online, all while Demi, Simon, and LA continue judging without her. Then, when she returns, it's not, "Where the hell have you been, Britney," it's, "Welcome back Miss Queen, we kept your seat warm for you."
There's no doubt Simon is doing jumping jacks in his living room after all the press the show has gotten on the first day of auditions. Clearly, Britney's reported "walk off" wasn't a "walk off," but more a "Britney, why don't you leave so people will think you walked off and we'll get tons of press," maneuver cooked up by Simon. He's a smart guy.
I can't wait until her next controversy where she disagrees with Demi and the media reports that she called Demi an "untalented skank-stain on the shirt of the music business."
Ah, Britney, making the media her bitch since 1999.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
A Factor of One
This is the second season of X Factor in the U.S., so why does it feel like the show needs saving?
The first season had solid, if not unspectacular, ratings. However, Simon Cowell, who brought the show over from the UK, decided that wasn't good enough and dropped two judges (Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger) and the host. He replaced them with judges Britney Spears and Demi Loavto (though, as of now, no known host(s)).
Those are big moves, especially since Britney is reportedly being paid $15M and Demi $1M+. Those moves are akin to a baseball team making the playoffs, losing in the first round, then dumping two of their starting pitchers. Were the X Factor moves really necessary?
Britney is, in keeping with the baseball references, the Albert Pujols of entertainment, i.e. the biggest star. Well, the Anaheim Angels signed Pujols to a massive contract. They're currently in last place. Clearly, the two aren't 100 percent related, but there is a lot of pressure on Britney. The Angels also signed pitcher CJ Wilson. Yet, no one is blaming him for the team being in last place. If X Factor doesn't bring in the ratings, it won't be Demi's fault. Again, that places a lot of pressure on Britney.
It's hard to think that a show that just premiered would be in need of saving, but these moves make it seem as such. It's hard to compete with American Idol, just ask The Voice. That show went out and got big name judges/coaches in Christina, Cee-lo, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton. Unfortunately, they're still playing second fiddle to Idol. Now, X Factor has gotten the biggest name judge you can get in Britney. If she falters, well . . .
It's a funny thing - people expect her to fail. In fact, that's why they'll be tuning in. Only two types of viewers will watch X Factor: Britney (and Demi) fans and everyone else waiting to see her screw up. In some warped way, it almost benefits Britney to fuck up. If people tune in to see a train wreck and don't see one, they'll tune out. But if they get their train wreck, they won't be able to turn away.
Driving on the highway, if you see an accident, you'll look at least once to examine the damage. If there's nothing there, you'll turn away. But, suppose there's a huge wreck. Well, you can't take your eyes off that, can you? Yes, Britney will be savaged if/when she screws up. Yes, the media is going to scrutinize everything she does, from what she says, how she says it, where she puts her hands, how she points her toes, etc. Ironically, those screw ups could deliver the biggest ratings.
Imagine that, the biggest star in the world getting paid $15M by a guy who secretly hopes she fucks up. Of course, people will eventually get tired of watching Britney make mistakes and the show will have to sink or swim on its own merit. But that might not be until season three, a season that probably won't even feature Britney. For this season, Britney's best move might be to make her worst move.
The first season had solid, if not unspectacular, ratings. However, Simon Cowell, who brought the show over from the UK, decided that wasn't good enough and dropped two judges (Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger) and the host. He replaced them with judges Britney Spears and Demi Loavto (though, as of now, no known host(s)).
Those are big moves, especially since Britney is reportedly being paid $15M and Demi $1M+. Those moves are akin to a baseball team making the playoffs, losing in the first round, then dumping two of their starting pitchers. Were the X Factor moves really necessary?
Britney is, in keeping with the baseball references, the Albert Pujols of entertainment, i.e. the biggest star. Well, the Anaheim Angels signed Pujols to a massive contract. They're currently in last place. Clearly, the two aren't 100 percent related, but there is a lot of pressure on Britney. The Angels also signed pitcher CJ Wilson. Yet, no one is blaming him for the team being in last place. If X Factor doesn't bring in the ratings, it won't be Demi's fault. Again, that places a lot of pressure on Britney.
It's hard to think that a show that just premiered would be in need of saving, but these moves make it seem as such. It's hard to compete with American Idol, just ask The Voice. That show went out and got big name judges/coaches in Christina, Cee-lo, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton. Unfortunately, they're still playing second fiddle to Idol. Now, X Factor has gotten the biggest name judge you can get in Britney. If she falters, well . . .
It's a funny thing - people expect her to fail. In fact, that's why they'll be tuning in. Only two types of viewers will watch X Factor: Britney (and Demi) fans and everyone else waiting to see her screw up. In some warped way, it almost benefits Britney to fuck up. If people tune in to see a train wreck and don't see one, they'll tune out. But if they get their train wreck, they won't be able to turn away.
Driving on the highway, if you see an accident, you'll look at least once to examine the damage. If there's nothing there, you'll turn away. But, suppose there's a huge wreck. Well, you can't take your eyes off that, can you? Yes, Britney will be savaged if/when she screws up. Yes, the media is going to scrutinize everything she does, from what she says, how she says it, where she puts her hands, how she points her toes, etc. Ironically, those screw ups could deliver the biggest ratings.
Imagine that, the biggest star in the world getting paid $15M by a guy who secretly hopes she fucks up. Of course, people will eventually get tired of watching Britney make mistakes and the show will have to sink or swim on its own merit. But that might not be until season three, a season that probably won't even feature Britney. For this season, Britney's best move might be to make her worst move.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Brit Factor
Now that it's unofficially official that Britney Spears will be joining the judges table on X Factor (along with Simon Cowell, LA Reid and, reportedly, Demi Lovato), the questions about will she or won't she can be put to rest (plus the questions of how much will she make, will she do one-year or two, etc.). We can all now focus on, not will she do it, but how WELL will she do it.
Very well, I think.
In order to be a judge of anything, you need to have knowledge about the subject you are judging. Clearly, Britney has knowledge about singing/performing. She's been in the business 13 years. It also helps to have success in the field your judging. For instance, you wouldn't want the judge on a cooking show to be someone who, although the or she cooks, can't cook well. Britney, though, cooks very well: five #1 hits on the Billboard chart, plus countless top 10s (not to mention every studio album she's released has debuted in the top two on Billboard's 200 chart).
Besides knowledge and success, you need, at least for TV, a personality. This is where some people think Britney's in trouble. Over the last four years Britney's personality has changed, according to those who think she'll fail. In reality, has it? Yes, during TV interviews her answers are a bit more concise, her overuse of the word cool is evident, and she can appear uncomfortable at times. But if you watch videos of her when she thinks no one is watching, she appears to be the same old Britney.
Here's the thing: no one is interviewing her on X Factor. Here's another thing: some of those interviews Britney's done in the last four years, at least those on the radio, were awesome (showing that she still has that vibrant, larger-than-life personality). Plus, she has three other judges on X Factor to step in if she gets tongue-tied (or says cool one time too many).
I don't know how you rank the current crop of judges, Adam Levine, Cee-lo Green, Christina Aguilera, Blake Shelton, Steven Tyler, J-Lo, Randy Jackson, Simon or LA. Maybe Britney won't be as polished as J-Lo or as cool as Cee-lo. She definitely won't be as "difficult" as Christina. But she'll bring warmth, because if there's one thing everyone says about her it's how nice she is.
Sure, X Factor could be a train wreck. Britney could freeze up the moment the light goes on. However, bet against that. Bet on the woman who's headlined the MTV VMAs so many times, they might as well call it the MTV Britneys. Bet on someone who's been on TV since she was 10. Bet on someone who's been asked every question in the book - from her boobs to her parenting skills - and barely managed to bat an eye.
I'm confident she'll crush this. Why not, she's crushed everything else.
Very well, I think.
In order to be a judge of anything, you need to have knowledge about the subject you are judging. Clearly, Britney has knowledge about singing/performing. She's been in the business 13 years. It also helps to have success in the field your judging. For instance, you wouldn't want the judge on a cooking show to be someone who, although the or she cooks, can't cook well. Britney, though, cooks very well: five #1 hits on the Billboard chart, plus countless top 10s (not to mention every studio album she's released has debuted in the top two on Billboard's 200 chart).
Besides knowledge and success, you need, at least for TV, a personality. This is where some people think Britney's in trouble. Over the last four years Britney's personality has changed, according to those who think she'll fail. In reality, has it? Yes, during TV interviews her answers are a bit more concise, her overuse of the word cool is evident, and she can appear uncomfortable at times. But if you watch videos of her when she thinks no one is watching, she appears to be the same old Britney.
Here's the thing: no one is interviewing her on X Factor. Here's another thing: some of those interviews Britney's done in the last four years, at least those on the radio, were awesome (showing that she still has that vibrant, larger-than-life personality). Plus, she has three other judges on X Factor to step in if she gets tongue-tied (or says cool one time too many).
I don't know how you rank the current crop of judges, Adam Levine, Cee-lo Green, Christina Aguilera, Blake Shelton, Steven Tyler, J-Lo, Randy Jackson, Simon or LA. Maybe Britney won't be as polished as J-Lo or as cool as Cee-lo. She definitely won't be as "difficult" as Christina. But she'll bring warmth, because if there's one thing everyone says about her it's how nice she is.
Sure, X Factor could be a train wreck. Britney could freeze up the moment the light goes on. However, bet against that. Bet on the woman who's headlined the MTV VMAs so many times, they might as well call it the MTV Britneys. Bet on someone who's been on TV since she was 10. Bet on someone who's been asked every question in the book - from her boobs to her parenting skills - and barely managed to bat an eye.
I'm confident she'll crush this. Why not, she's crushed everything else.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Love
Love is like picking vegetables in a garden. Pick them too soon and they're not ripe enough. Pick them too late and they've already gone bad. A good gardener knows exactly when to pick his or her vegetables.
You can fall in love too soon and not be ready for it. Or you can fall in love too late and it's gone. But like the good gardener, the smart person knows when he or she has found love and grabs it.
Of course, like vegetables, love needs time to grow, plus some tenderness and care. If you don't take care of love it will never grow. Then again, too much care, too much attention, and it falls apart. But, and I probably don't even need to say this, if you're patient and caring enough and attentive enough, love can be delicious.
You can fall in love too soon and not be ready for it. Or you can fall in love too late and it's gone. But like the good gardener, the smart person knows when he or she has found love and grabs it.
Of course, like vegetables, love needs time to grow, plus some tenderness and care. If you don't take care of love it will never grow. Then again, too much care, too much attention, and it falls apart. But, and I probably don't even need to say this, if you're patient and caring enough and attentive enough, love can be delicious.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Strangest Love Part 2
Confusion
Runnin through my mind
Seein things
For the first time
Then it goes black
Like I went blind
Disappear
Goin out of my mind
(Spoken)
I'm not scared of the darkness
Cause I've stepped into the light
(Chorus)
I can live in the shadows
As long as you stand by me
I can die beneath the clouds
As long as you die with me
I can run through the fields
As long as you're waiting for me
I'll know that it's real
The moment you're touching me
Reappear
For a second in time
Seein things
Hazy things in my mind
Then it gets light
Like I went blind
Confusion
Feel so tired
(Spoken)
I'm not scared of the light
Cause I've stepped into the darkness
It envelops me like a never ending blackness
(Chorus)
I can live in the shadows
As long as you stand by me
I can die beneath the clouds
As long as you die with me
I can run through the fields
As long as you're waiting for me
I'll know that it's real
The moment you're touching me
(Bridge)
I'm in a world of black and white
Step into the dark and out of the light
Step back into the light and out of the dark
You cut my skin to leave your mark
(Spoken)
I'm not scared of the light
I'm not scared of the dark
I'm not afraid of anything
Since you killed my heart
(Chorus)
I have lived in the shadows
But you never stood by me
I died beneath the clouds
But you never died with me
I ran through the fields
But you weren't waiting for me
I knew it was real
The moment you stopped touching me
Runnin through my mind
Seein things
For the first time
Then it goes black
Like I went blind
Disappear
Goin out of my mind
(Spoken)
I'm not scared of the darkness
Cause I've stepped into the light
(Chorus)
I can live in the shadows
As long as you stand by me
I can die beneath the clouds
As long as you die with me
I can run through the fields
As long as you're waiting for me
I'll know that it's real
The moment you're touching me
Reappear
For a second in time
Seein things
Hazy things in my mind
Then it gets light
Like I went blind
Confusion
Feel so tired
(Spoken)
I'm not scared of the light
Cause I've stepped into the darkness
It envelops me like a never ending blackness
(Chorus)
I can live in the shadows
As long as you stand by me
I can die beneath the clouds
As long as you die with me
I can run through the fields
As long as you're waiting for me
I'll know that it's real
The moment you're touching me
(Bridge)
I'm in a world of black and white
Step into the dark and out of the light
Step back into the light and out of the dark
You cut my skin to leave your mark
(Spoken)
I'm not scared of the light
I'm not scared of the dark
I'm not afraid of anything
Since you killed my heart
(Chorus)
I have lived in the shadows
But you never stood by me
I died beneath the clouds
But you never died with me
I ran through the fields
But you weren't waiting for me
I knew it was real
The moment you stopped touching me
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
She's Got the X-Factor
I find it funny that reports are making it seem as though judging on the X-Factor is akin to delivering the State of the Union address saying that Britney Speats might not be able to handle the pressure. These reports say it could be too stressful for her. Let's get real.
There's no pressure in telling someone they can or can't sing. There's no stress either. Sure, it might be tough sometimes to tell someone who really wants to be a singer that they have no talent, but writing hit songs is tough, performing complex dance routines is tough, and being a mom is the toughest of all. But Britney has handled all three of those tasks. To say she couldn't handle something as simple as judging talent is an insult.
I understand her personality has changed over the years, that she's less excited about being in front of the camera, but that's when she's being interviewed. She won't be answering questions on the X-Factor. She might be asking them, though.
Britney is a grown woman and if she wants to be a judge she understands what's involved. These reports act like she doesn't know what goes on with the show. I know giving Britney the benefit of the doubt is not considered cool, but let's not treat her like an invalid. She may be under a conservatorship, but she's not really under a conservatorship, if you catch my drift.
If she's fit to raise two kids, which she's doing; if she's fit to tour the world, which she did; then I think judging a simple singing show shouldn't be a problem.
Besides, if anyone can relate to these kids it would be someone who's been rejected by multiple labels, been torn down and been thrown to the wolves. These kids will have to overcome adversity and their own self doubt, something about which Britney could write a book.
There's no pressure in telling someone they can or can't sing. There's no stress either. Sure, it might be tough sometimes to tell someone who really wants to be a singer that they have no talent, but writing hit songs is tough, performing complex dance routines is tough, and being a mom is the toughest of all. But Britney has handled all three of those tasks. To say she couldn't handle something as simple as judging talent is an insult.
I understand her personality has changed over the years, that she's less excited about being in front of the camera, but that's when she's being interviewed. She won't be answering questions on the X-Factor. She might be asking them, though.
Britney is a grown woman and if she wants to be a judge she understands what's involved. These reports act like she doesn't know what goes on with the show. I know giving Britney the benefit of the doubt is not considered cool, but let's not treat her like an invalid. She may be under a conservatorship, but she's not really under a conservatorship, if you catch my drift.
If she's fit to raise two kids, which she's doing; if she's fit to tour the world, which she did; then I think judging a simple singing show shouldn't be a problem.
Besides, if anyone can relate to these kids it would be someone who's been rejected by multiple labels, been torn down and been thrown to the wolves. These kids will have to overcome adversity and their own self doubt, something about which Britney could write a book.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Hot Chick Theory
Men are a simple people. For the most part, we believe what we see. That's why we're prone to believing that all attractive women can dance, because that's what we see on TV and in videos.
With Maria Menounos on Dancing With the Stars, I'm sure most men, if you asked, would predict her to win because she is the hottest cast member. Forget the fact that Kim Kardashian absolutely stunk on the show a few seasons ago, in the similar role of hottest cast member, because it's been burned into our brains that all hot chicks can dance.
Not just that, but the better looking you are, the better dancer you must be. Therefore, if the ladies of the View and the Talk all had a dance contest, Elizabeth Hasselbeck would narrowly edge out Aisha Tyler and Barbara Walters would probably finish dead last.
Of course, this theory is completely bogus. If you watch DWTS enough, you'll notice many of the more attractive models don't make it very far. Clearly, dancing is not a skill bestowed to all the gorgeous people. Yes, every one of the female pro dancers is gorgeous; however, just because all dancers are gorgeous does not mean all who are gorgeous can dance. It's a simple logical equation.
The problem is that men rarely use logic. Case in point: without even seeing anyone dance, my prediction is that Maria wins the competition. Why? She's hot.
With Maria Menounos on Dancing With the Stars, I'm sure most men, if you asked, would predict her to win because she is the hottest cast member. Forget the fact that Kim Kardashian absolutely stunk on the show a few seasons ago, in the similar role of hottest cast member, because it's been burned into our brains that all hot chicks can dance.
Not just that, but the better looking you are, the better dancer you must be. Therefore, if the ladies of the View and the Talk all had a dance contest, Elizabeth Hasselbeck would narrowly edge out Aisha Tyler and Barbara Walters would probably finish dead last.
Of course, this theory is completely bogus. If you watch DWTS enough, you'll notice many of the more attractive models don't make it very far. Clearly, dancing is not a skill bestowed to all the gorgeous people. Yes, every one of the female pro dancers is gorgeous; however, just because all dancers are gorgeous does not mean all who are gorgeous can dance. It's a simple logical equation.
The problem is that men rarely use logic. Case in point: without even seeing anyone dance, my prediction is that Maria wins the competition. Why? She's hot.
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Making of: Lady Gaga
After seeing pictures of Lady Gaga from 2005, back when she was simply Stefani Germanotta, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of career Stefani could have had if she hadn't become Lady Gaga.
Firstly, she's shown talent in both singing and playing the piano. However, to be fair, many people can sing and play the piano. You just have to watch enough episodes of American Idol, The Voice or X-Factor to see that. Secondly, underneath the make-up and crazy attire, Stefani is quite beautiful. But, again, looking at all these singing competition shows, you can clearly see 100s of beautiful girls who can sing.
With that said, did she have to become Lady Gaga to become famous? Could Stefani have found some niche as a piano player/singer? There's plenty of somewhat successful singer/songwriters out there. Plus, she received a record deal before she became the somewhat crazy, maybe completely crazy person she is today.
Obviously, her label saw talent. And it's safe to say that with the success of girls like Norah Jones and Alicia Keys, simple girls who sing and play the piano, Stefani could have seen some level of success. But Norah Jones has sort of faded away over the years. Would Stefani have been like that or could she have stayed relevant like Alicia Keys?
If she had gone the pop route, she may have been in trouble. With so many over the top personalities, how would a singer like Stefani stand out? When Norah Jones won all her Grammies and sold all her albums, there was no Ke$ha, Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. The pop world was a different place. Nowadays, people seem to want over-the-top, larger than life characters. Outside of Adele, what woman is having success without being somewhat of a character?
Talent definitely brought Stefani to the dance, but the Gaga character gave her the opportunity to steal the show. I don't think Stefani would have performed songs like Just Dance and Pokerface. From those old pictures, and from what the photographer who took them said, Stefani seemed like a simple girl who sang and played piano.
Therefore, it's safe to say the change from Stefani to Gaga helped her become the multi-platinum recording artist she is today. Of course, Stefani could certainly have written a hit song and maybe even had a successful album. But in today's world, where a singer like Adele is the exception and not the norm, Stefani seemingly made the right choice. Gaga is an international superstar; Stefani may have only lasted a couple years.
In fairness, many of today's biggest stars wouldn't be stars without their over-the-top personalities. Ke$ha needs her glitter (and her $ sign), Katy needs her wacky hair, even Britney Spears and Rihanna need to show some skin. It's all about differentiating yourself, and Gaga may just be the most different of all.
Firstly, she's shown talent in both singing and playing the piano. However, to be fair, many people can sing and play the piano. You just have to watch enough episodes of American Idol, The Voice or X-Factor to see that. Secondly, underneath the make-up and crazy attire, Stefani is quite beautiful. But, again, looking at all these singing competition shows, you can clearly see 100s of beautiful girls who can sing.
With that said, did she have to become Lady Gaga to become famous? Could Stefani have found some niche as a piano player/singer? There's plenty of somewhat successful singer/songwriters out there. Plus, she received a record deal before she became the somewhat crazy, maybe completely crazy person she is today.
Obviously, her label saw talent. And it's safe to say that with the success of girls like Norah Jones and Alicia Keys, simple girls who sing and play the piano, Stefani could have seen some level of success. But Norah Jones has sort of faded away over the years. Would Stefani have been like that or could she have stayed relevant like Alicia Keys?
If she had gone the pop route, she may have been in trouble. With so many over the top personalities, how would a singer like Stefani stand out? When Norah Jones won all her Grammies and sold all her albums, there was no Ke$ha, Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. The pop world was a different place. Nowadays, people seem to want over-the-top, larger than life characters. Outside of Adele, what woman is having success without being somewhat of a character?
Talent definitely brought Stefani to the dance, but the Gaga character gave her the opportunity to steal the show. I don't think Stefani would have performed songs like Just Dance and Pokerface. From those old pictures, and from what the photographer who took them said, Stefani seemed like a simple girl who sang and played piano.
Therefore, it's safe to say the change from Stefani to Gaga helped her become the multi-platinum recording artist she is today. Of course, Stefani could certainly have written a hit song and maybe even had a successful album. But in today's world, where a singer like Adele is the exception and not the norm, Stefani seemingly made the right choice. Gaga is an international superstar; Stefani may have only lasted a couple years.
In fairness, many of today's biggest stars wouldn't be stars without their over-the-top personalities. Ke$ha needs her glitter (and her $ sign), Katy needs her wacky hair, even Britney Spears and Rihanna need to show some skin. It's all about differentiating yourself, and Gaga may just be the most different of all.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Underneath It All
I like it when people take shots at Britney. I like it when people make fun of her look, weight, hair, makeup, and overall appearance. I like it when people give Britney zero credit for her music. I like it when people complain when Britney wins awards.
See, while everyone underestimates her, she keeps dominating. She's the 36th best selling artist of all time. She has nothing to prove, but she keeps making the best music.
My advice to people is to keep talking shots at her and keep putting her down. I think she feeds off that (though she'd never admit it). She's like a sports team who's always the underdog yet keeps winning. No one believes in Britney. Thankfully, that hasn't stopped her yet.
See, while everyone underestimates her, she keeps dominating. She's the 36th best selling artist of all time. She has nothing to prove, but she keeps making the best music.
My advice to people is to keep talking shots at her and keep putting her down. I think she feeds off that (though she'd never admit it). She's like a sports team who's always the underdog yet keeps winning. No one believes in Britney. Thankfully, that hasn't stopped her yet.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Fingertips
I feel your fingertips touch me
I feel them tracing a map around my skin
I feel your sweet lips love me
I feel them over and over again
I feel your smooth vibrations
I feel your heart beat inside of your skin
I feel this new sensation
I feel it over and over again
I feel your cold hand shake me
I feel you freeze the hair on my skin
I feel your touch completely
I feel it over and over again
So tell me why am I still sound asleep (sound asleep)
Tell me why did you come to rescue me (rescue me)
Did I really need waking?
Was I misbehaving?
Tell me how are you saving me
I love your fingertips as they trace the outline of my heart
If I could I'd reach inside and give it to you
I feel them tracing a map around my skin
I feel your sweet lips love me
I feel them over and over again
I feel your smooth vibrations
I feel your heart beat inside of your skin
I feel this new sensation
I feel it over and over again
I feel your cold hand shake me
I feel you freeze the hair on my skin
I feel your touch completely
I feel it over and over again
So tell me why am I still sound asleep (sound asleep)
Tell me why did you come to rescue me (rescue me)
Did I really need waking?
Was I misbehaving?
Tell me how are you saving me
I love your fingertips as they trace the outline of my heart
If I could I'd reach inside and give it to you
And That's Why I Love You
Seeing you drunk in the pale moon light
Touching your skin, tasting your lips
I get drunk off the glass you tipped
And we both know this isn't right
But neither of us put up a fight
And that's why I love you
The more you drink, the less you wear
My eyes don't believe what they see
Here you are, so close to me
It's a sight I can hardly bear
To see you drunk standing there
And that's why I love you
I love your drunken beauty
I love your sober symphonies
I love the way you have no rhythm at all
I love your complications
I love your broken heart
Most assuredly, I love the way you fall
You dance drunk in the bright moon light
Holding tight to the things you can't let go
I try to steal you away, but you said no
For once in your life you put up a fight
Told me this situation wasn't right
And that's why I love you
Take me home
I'll take you home tonight
And we'll kiss in the shadowy moonlight
When a no becomes a yes
That's when you love me the best
As whatever happens you love me best
And that's why I love you
Touching your skin, tasting your lips
I get drunk off the glass you tipped
And we both know this isn't right
But neither of us put up a fight
And that's why I love you
The more you drink, the less you wear
My eyes don't believe what they see
Here you are, so close to me
It's a sight I can hardly bear
To see you drunk standing there
And that's why I love you
I love your drunken beauty
I love your sober symphonies
I love the way you have no rhythm at all
I love your complications
I love your broken heart
Most assuredly, I love the way you fall
You dance drunk in the bright moon light
Holding tight to the things you can't let go
I try to steal you away, but you said no
For once in your life you put up a fight
Told me this situation wasn't right
And that's why I love you
Take me home
I'll take you home tonight
And we'll kiss in the shadowy moonlight
When a no becomes a yes
That's when you love me the best
As whatever happens you love me best
And that's why I love you
Friday, January 20, 2012
She's Just Like Us
With the passing of Etta James, music sites and entertainment sites have put up remembrances to honor her. All mention her hit songs like "At Last," "Tell Mama" and "All I Could Do Was Cry." They also mention the problem she had with drugs. It's that problem that helped to humanize her, to show people that she wasn't just some singing robot but a person with flaws.
Now that she's dead, people are tweeting non-stop about their memories of her and their favorite songs.
Before James died, though, another artist was blowing up Twitter: Britney Spears. In the last couple of days she's had 18 worldwide TTs. Britney's not dead, so why are people talking about her all of a sudden? It would seem that people just love her.
Like Etta James, Britney's had her share of problems. But, like the late singer, Britney's problems have shown her to be a human being: flawed, mistake-prone,and foolish. People can relate to Britney. Whether it's drunken nights out, fighting, bad hookups, or feuding with the family, almost everyone has experienced their share of misery.
We can look back on our own mistakes and empathize with Britney. We know we've been there or, maybe, are still there. We know mistakes are just that, because we've had them. We know life is hard, that the right thing to do isn't always the most enjoyable, and that bad decisions can sometimes escalate.
Maybe we never attacked a paparazzi's car or shaved our head or used a tabloid website to send out cryptic messages, and we've certainly never done those things with the whole world watching, but what we have done is not so different. We've fought, made foolish spur-of-the-moment decisions with our physical appearance (late-night tattoos anyone), and definitely said or texted some really stupid things (seriously, who hasn't drunk texted someone).
This is why someone like Britney can have that "fall from grace" and still rebound and get back to that superstar level. We know what it's like to fall. It would be hypocritical of us to shun someone for behavior we've exhibited in our own lives. And for those who live the "Christian" life, you empathize with Britney because God says to love your fellow man and because you know we're all sinners and all sins are equal.
Britney asked today what she did to deserve all this love. I think the answer is simple: she showed herself to be human, to be like us. We like us and we like Britney, too.
Now that she's dead, people are tweeting non-stop about their memories of her and their favorite songs.
Before James died, though, another artist was blowing up Twitter: Britney Spears. In the last couple of days she's had 18 worldwide TTs. Britney's not dead, so why are people talking about her all of a sudden? It would seem that people just love her.
Like Etta James, Britney's had her share of problems. But, like the late singer, Britney's problems have shown her to be a human being: flawed, mistake-prone,and foolish. People can relate to Britney. Whether it's drunken nights out, fighting, bad hookups, or feuding with the family, almost everyone has experienced their share of misery.
We can look back on our own mistakes and empathize with Britney. We know we've been there or, maybe, are still there. We know mistakes are just that, because we've had them. We know life is hard, that the right thing to do isn't always the most enjoyable, and that bad decisions can sometimes escalate.
Maybe we never attacked a paparazzi's car or shaved our head or used a tabloid website to send out cryptic messages, and we've certainly never done those things with the whole world watching, but what we have done is not so different. We've fought, made foolish spur-of-the-moment decisions with our physical appearance (late-night tattoos anyone), and definitely said or texted some really stupid things (seriously, who hasn't drunk texted someone).
This is why someone like Britney can have that "fall from grace" and still rebound and get back to that superstar level. We know what it's like to fall. It would be hypocritical of us to shun someone for behavior we've exhibited in our own lives. And for those who live the "Christian" life, you empathize with Britney because God says to love your fellow man and because you know we're all sinners and all sins are equal.
Britney asked today what she did to deserve all this love. I think the answer is simple: she showed herself to be human, to be like us. We like us and we like Britney, too.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year's Resolutions
This year, make some resolutions you can actually stick to. Such as:
- Resolve to smack your girlfriend around less
- Resolve to fuck your wife more
- Resolve to only smoke a pack a day (and not two)
- Resolve to listen to more Billy Joel and less Rebecca Black
- Resolve to wear clothing that covers your boobs and ass
- Resolve to put off that nose job for another year
- Resolve to drink only on the weekends, holidays or when there are three or more people in the same room as you
- Resolve to forget all the bad things you did and remember the good things
- Resolve to stop cheating on your husband with those two black guys (just pick one)
- Resolve to spend more money on cheap alcohol and strippers
- Resolve to stop stressing over dirty dishes
- Resolve to forgive your idiotic kid for wrecking the family car that you stupidly let him drive
- Resolve to GAIN weight . . . but just a little
- Resolve to lose that weight in 2013
- Resolve to take that money you were gonna spend on Lady Gaga tickets and give it to the homeless (or a really good friend who likes Lady Gaga)
- Resolve to hug your kids more - you know, those little people who live in your house and eat your food
- Resolve to slap your wife less in the face and more on the ass
- Resolve to learn more Japanese and less English
- Resolve to visit the in-laws once this year (even if you know they're not going to be home)
- Resolve to stop looking at pictures of Lindsay Lohan topless
- Resolve to sell your $100,000 car, give 3/4 of that money to charity, and then buy a regular fucking car
- Resolve to wear less fur . . . or wear more fur but at least inform PETA of your decision so they can throw things at you
- Resolve to be more religious - or less religious - whatever makes you less likely to commit mass homicide
- Resolve to watch less MTV until they start showing the M again
- Resolve to buy more Britney Spears songs
- Resolve to sober up before you drive, unless you're driving on a lonely dirt road where there's no chance of you hitting anyone. Then drive as drunk as you like
- Resolve to bully more, assuming, of course, you're willing to take it up the ass
- Resolve to work on your flow so one day you can spew homophobic rants in rhyme form
- Resolve to be a bigger fucking asshole than you were in 2012
- Resolve to be poorer
- Resolve to NOT date, speak to, or have sex with that incredibly attractive single woman you work with
- Resolve to end more sentences with a preposition
- Resolve to lose weight, quit smoking, and be a better person. Just kidding
- Resolve to be more like Taylor Swift: tall, blond, beautiful, and always ripping on some guy for breaking your heart
- Resolve to improve you're grammer
- Resolve to improve your spelling
- Resolve to take that vacation, so long as you do it during the busiest time of the year at work thereby screwing over all the people you work with
- Resolve to make less resolutions
- Resolve to inject yourself with so much botox that when you're 55 you'll have the face of a 25-year old . . . who can't smile, frown or show any emotion
- Resolve to get divorced the minute your marriage encounters one bump in the road
- Resolve to become famous for getting hit in the genitals
- Resolve to masturbate 400 times this year . . . with your left hand
- Resolve to kick the marijuana habit by using cocaine.
- Finally, resolve to fuck someone over: park in a handicapped space, take the last doughnut, refuse to give to the Salvation Army, throw away your old clothes instead of donating them, waste food, don't recycle, and cut someone off while driving 88 mph. In general, keep doing what you've been doing.
- Resolve to smack your girlfriend around less
- Resolve to fuck your wife more
- Resolve to only smoke a pack a day (and not two)
- Resolve to listen to more Billy Joel and less Rebecca Black
- Resolve to wear clothing that covers your boobs and ass
- Resolve to put off that nose job for another year
- Resolve to drink only on the weekends, holidays or when there are three or more people in the same room as you
- Resolve to forget all the bad things you did and remember the good things
- Resolve to stop cheating on your husband with those two black guys (just pick one)
- Resolve to spend more money on cheap alcohol and strippers
- Resolve to stop stressing over dirty dishes
- Resolve to forgive your idiotic kid for wrecking the family car that you stupidly let him drive
- Resolve to GAIN weight . . . but just a little
- Resolve to lose that weight in 2013
- Resolve to take that money you were gonna spend on Lady Gaga tickets and give it to the homeless (or a really good friend who likes Lady Gaga)
- Resolve to hug your kids more - you know, those little people who live in your house and eat your food
- Resolve to slap your wife less in the face and more on the ass
- Resolve to learn more Japanese and less English
- Resolve to visit the in-laws once this year (even if you know they're not going to be home)
- Resolve to stop looking at pictures of Lindsay Lohan topless
- Resolve to sell your $100,000 car, give 3/4 of that money to charity, and then buy a regular fucking car
- Resolve to wear less fur . . . or wear more fur but at least inform PETA of your decision so they can throw things at you
- Resolve to be more religious - or less religious - whatever makes you less likely to commit mass homicide
- Resolve to watch less MTV until they start showing the M again
- Resolve to buy more Britney Spears songs
- Resolve to sober up before you drive, unless you're driving on a lonely dirt road where there's no chance of you hitting anyone. Then drive as drunk as you like
- Resolve to bully more, assuming, of course, you're willing to take it up the ass
- Resolve to work on your flow so one day you can spew homophobic rants in rhyme form
- Resolve to be a bigger fucking asshole than you were in 2012
- Resolve to be poorer
- Resolve to NOT date, speak to, or have sex with that incredibly attractive single woman you work with
- Resolve to end more sentences with a preposition
- Resolve to lose weight, quit smoking, and be a better person. Just kidding
- Resolve to be more like Taylor Swift: tall, blond, beautiful, and always ripping on some guy for breaking your heart
- Resolve to improve you're grammer
- Resolve to improve your spelling
- Resolve to take that vacation, so long as you do it during the busiest time of the year at work thereby screwing over all the people you work with
- Resolve to make less resolutions
- Resolve to inject yourself with so much botox that when you're 55 you'll have the face of a 25-year old . . . who can't smile, frown or show any emotion
- Resolve to get divorced the minute your marriage encounters one bump in the road
- Resolve to become famous for getting hit in the genitals
- Resolve to masturbate 400 times this year . . . with your left hand
- Resolve to kick the marijuana habit by using cocaine.
- Finally, resolve to fuck someone over: park in a handicapped space, take the last doughnut, refuse to give to the Salvation Army, throw away your old clothes instead of donating them, waste food, don't recycle, and cut someone off while driving 88 mph. In general, keep doing what you've been doing.
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